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Do You Have the Courage to Sabotage Your Success?

August 11, 2012 By

Which route to success is better for you?  1) exceeding goals and expectations or 2) challenging your goals and expectations to create something better.

The first option can lead to satisfaction, money, rewards, and recognition, even fame, for a while. The second option is harder and may lead  nowhere. Even those who choose the road less traveled often burn out and fall back onto the safer path. So why take it?

If you stay on the first path, success grows more vulnerable over time and becomes demotivating.

Organizationally, the process of cascading goals from the top frequently hurts innovation and efficiency. In privately held and non-profit organizations, there is often a charismatic leader, family head, or controlling director that runs the show, crushing dissent blatantly or subtly. Or the leader picks an impenetrable executive team.

In publicly held companies, leaders bow to the faceless power of shareholders, demanding people meet short term gains over the imagination, experimentation, and adaptability required for longevity. They may give lip-service to creativity, but most corporations are still top-down instead of community-ruled.

Even if you or your organization starts with an openness to all ideas, once a level of success is achieved, ears shut down. Some leaders boast their support of collaboration without seeing this as another form of generating hand-clasping over conflict.

Neuroscientist Dr. Robert Sapolsky has explored why successful people shut down to new ideas. He says when you look at highly accomplished people you find a level of eminence, at least in their own little world. So why should they do anything new? “It’s really difficult to recognize that something is going wrong and needs to be changed,” Sapolsky says. “…it’s 1000 times harder to recognize that something’s right but nevertheless, it’s time to make a change.”

When problems surface, most leaders just ask people to work faster or harder instead of seeking a different approach. I am sure this attitude plays into why the US has dropped to 10th place in the 2012 Global Innovation Index by Insead.

Some leaders act as if they are trying out new ideas when all they are doing is trying something out that worked for them years ago. This isn’t change; it’s regurgitation.

And then if you are given the rare chance to try something new and you make a mistake, the sharks eat you alive.

Some smart employees give up trying. Others take their ideas to competitors or start their own businesses. Unfortunately, once they win the revolution, they fall into the same trap of protecting their positions and making all decisions instead of opening channels to the new ideas of others.

From a neurological perspective, Sapolsky says the brain rules over innovation. People want to recreate what made them feel good and they silence threats to their credibility, control and admiration.

Margaret Heffernan explored this phenomenon in her brilliant Ted talk, Dare to Disagree. She says that our brain drives us to be with people mostly like ourselves. This makes life easier. Organizations strive to hire the best people and then fail to get the best out of them.

So what can you do personally and organizationally to challenge current thinking?

1. Seek creative confrontation. Heffernan suggests mustering the courage to work with people who seek to prove you wrong. Once you fill in the holes they discover, you will know you are right.” It’s a fantastic model of collaboration—thinking partners who aren’t echo chambers.”

Organizationally, build creative confrontation into team charters. Make sure ideas are questioned, not people. Ensure the challenges are intended to improve on ideas, not tear them down. Allow people to try out new ideas after they listen to challenges, bringing their improved suggestions to the table instead of giving up.

2. Practice emotional intelligence. Learn to recognize when you resist new ideas. This requires patience and present-moment awareness, two things busy people lack. You have to be willing to change your mind. Most people agree this is a sign of a real leader yet few leaders practice these skills.

3. Reward courageous thinking. Praise people who question the way things are done. Make “a passionate commitment to ongoing excellence” a requirement of leadership instead of “managing up to make the current leaders look good.”

Sapolsky says that leaders (and families) should provide a “benevolent setting” where failures are an acceptable part of the learning process and people are not punitively blamed for mistakes. Don’t insist on doing it right all the time. Sapolsky says, “You can encourage craziness 50% of the time because all we need is the other 50% to be phenomenal.”

When people can actively explore new possibilities, they work with inspiration and excitement.

4. Seek champions and partners instead of going it alone. One voice can easily be drowned out by a crowd of people trying to appease their leaders. Find one influential person who believes in and will champion your ideas to others. Then enroll others who will help you get the data you need to prove your ideas are right.

5. Travel! Seek people with different backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives. See the world through their eyes. Don’t rely on the Internet. In another TED talk, Eli Pariser explains that search engines keep us in a filter bubble, only linking us to what matches our personal tastes instead of to information that could challenge or broaden our worldview.

Long term success requires we cultivate the habit of being curious and accepting of other’s opinions and ideas. Do you have the courage to go beyond your own success?

Please share you comments and this post. We need to keep the conversation going and support each others great ideas!

Filed Under: Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Organizational Culture, Professional Development, Self-Awareness, Team Building, Women in Leadership Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Quit Looking for Your Authentic Self

April 23, 2011 By

I do not believe in the concept of having one authentic self. I believe you are made up of many selves that you draw on in various situations. The more successful you are, the better you are at drawing out the parts of yourself that will help you achieve your goals. Instead, if you only define yourself as “a fighter” or “a leader” in every situation, you win some and you lose some.

If instead, you cultivate your “selves concept,” you accept a bigger reality of yourself. You may have a core seed of self that doesn’t change, but then you modify aspects of who you are in order to handle the situation you are facing. Through dialogue, reflection and persistence you can increase your ability to adapt to circumstances by intentionally bringing forth different aspects of yourself for better results.

The process of expanding your sense of self — which includes the many selves you call forth — requires you to let go of who you think you are to allow the many faces of you to emerge. This can be scary. You rely on a strong sense of self to succeed. Yet that strength can hold you back. The more open you are to considering new ways of thinking and acting, the faster you will succeed. You will also be happier and healthier.

Look at who you are being today and then you imagine a broader sense of self that will better serve your aspirations. You mentally see who you want to be first. Then you create a plan for making this new expanded version of you a reality.

One way of making this process more tangible is to work with archetypes. According to the work of Caroline Myss, archetypes are patterns of energy that you carry as you go about your life. Some patterns are innate, wired into your brain when you are born. Other patterns take shape as you learn how to deal with difficulties and you are rewarded for specific behaviors. You develop these patterns throughout your life. Therefore, you can consciously call on specific aspects of yourself when you need them if you are aware of the various archetypes naturally available to you.

The names given to the archetypes, such as Queen, Martyr, and Inspirer, are designed to help you identify a set of behaviors that might serve you or hurt you in a situation. For example, calling on your Queen archetype can be useful to you if you need to stand your ground when you are negotiating for resources for your team. These same behaviors can be harmful if you play your Queen card when arguing with your spouse.

Sometimes we naturally shift our patterns with maturity. For example, I called on Warrior energy early in my career to help me fight my way up the ladder in two male-dominated corporations. Now I gain better results when I call on Connector and Inspirer energies. All three are still aspects of who I am but the balance has changed.

If you can identify the dominant and secondary archetypes present in your life right now, you will better understand the motivations for your actions and then choose new responses instead of acting habitually in various contexts. When you are running a meeting and it is not going well, you can call forth another archetype that might be more useful to you than the one that usually dominates.

This process of identifying, focusing on some, and decreasing other behavioral patterns is how you expand who you think you are. The speed of personal growth depends on you living in a state of curiosity instead of certainty. Open your mind to possibilities and you will find you will fight less with other people without having to surrender what is most important to you.

The following archetypes are the most common in the high-achieving women I have coached, but represent only some of the patterns you may express. If you are interested in a more comprehensive list with descriptions, I recommend Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss or my book, Wander Woman.

Exercise: When you look at the narrative of your life, what characters do you see yourself playing?

Step 1. Circle your six dominant selves. If you struggle choosing, ask someone who knows you well to help you limit your list to six.

Driver; Pioneer; Queen; Warrior; Revolutionary; Rebel; Thinker; Adventurer; Storyteller; Commander; Collaborator ; Visionary; Inspirer; Heroine; Wanderer; Martyr; Advocate; Superstar; Taskmaster; Coach; Healer; Entertainer; Mentor; Mother; Comedian; Magician; Teacher; Detective; Connector; Gambler; Scholar; Companion; Fixer; Idealist; Artist; Femme Fatale

Step 2. Add two or three archetypes that you feel you own but haven’t yet developed (come up with your own names too). Add these to your dominant six and you have the board of directors making your life decisions. When you are struggling with a relationship or life decision, ask your board, one by one, what to do.

Use your “selves” to find new more successful ways to be with others.

Adapted from Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction by Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, leadership coach.

Filed Under: Effective Communication Skills, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Self-Awareness, Women in Leadership

“Fixing” Women Hurts More Than Helps

March 10, 2011 By

Many people eagerly sent me the Wall Street Journal article, Coaching Urged for Women. The article heralded the McKinsey April, 2011 report claiming “inadequate career development holds back female executives.” As a result of their research, they surmised that the lack of women in top management positions is due to insufficient coaching, leadership training and rotation through various management roles.

Although it is probable that companies provide more development opportunities for men than women and the report does include a suggestion for leaders to work on the limiting mindsets that create the barriers for women, the recommendations focus primarily on “fixing the women” instead of on fixing the system that created the problem.

I love that I have a cadre of amazing female leaders that I coach. Yet it would make their lives easier if the male leaders they had to deal with were coached as well.

In January, the head of North American HR of one of the largest software companies in the world told me they were doing well with developing their women even though the top management team was still made up of men. He said, “I coach many of the women myself. I help them see how they can best work in this male-dominated company.”

I asked him, “Are you also developing programs for the men so they can best work with women in your company?” He quickly said that would not be possible with their German management team.

Pattie Sellers, Editor at Large for Fortune magazine, made a sobering statement at this year’s ICAN Women’s Leadership conference, “There will not be parity for women.” She said that parity will not happen in our lifetime. Parity will not happen with the power structures in place today. She claimed that there is a narrow band of acceptable female behaviors making it extremely hard for women to authentically lead. These limitations and stereotypes will keep the imbalance in place.

Selena Rezvani, author of The Next Generation of Women Leaders, says, “Women are often not seen as intellectually or emotionally equipped as their male counterparts. Stereotypes of women as too passive, too emotional or too ambitious to lead are simply not based in reality.” She describes how our social conditioning has entrenched the nuanced barriers that women face. You might think discrimination is fading, but Rezvani sites countless studies and examples that demonstrate this ongoing force in the workplace.

In addition to the negative judgments around female emotions and behaviors, the determination that they lack skills is also not based in reality. Rezvani cites a study done by Lawrence A. Pfaff in 2001 that included 2, 482 managers from 400 companies across 19 states that found female managers scored higher than their male counterparts on 20 different leadership skills. The measurements extended beyond “soft skills” like communication and empowerment to include skills typically attributed to men such as decisiveness, planning, and setting standards.

A study published in 2008 compared the scores on standardized math tests of 7 million boys and girls across 10 states found no difference in their math proficiency. Many of these girls are entering fields of engineering, accounting, and finance. The fact that few make it into leadership positions can’t be blamed on a lack of skills or knowledge.

On the bright side, Sellers also said that more and more women are starting businesses to create the companies they want to work for. I suggest we support these companies by buying their goods and services and suggesting others do the same. This may be the only way of decreasing the female leadership gap.

In spite of these bleak reports, I am optimistic that some of our leaders, especially the younger ones, will “get it.” There will be enlightened leaders who see that the answer is not to fix women but to change the mindsets of both men and women that keep women in an inferior light.

Dr. Rachel Remen, author of Kitchen Table Wisdom, writes, “When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life whole.” When leaders stop trying to fix the female problem and instead promote women being valued in the workplace for who they are, then we might start seeing the numbers of female leaders rise.

Women don’t give up their ambition as the McKinsey report suggests. The system gives up on them when they paint women as inadequate.

Yes, there should be equal opportunities for development for women and men. In addition, all leadership training should have a day focused on men and women dialoguing about their needs, desires and challenges so they can all move forward together.

I once heard a story about an African village that sees every problem as a result of their “system.” When a child commits a crime, the elders are gathered. They do not ask, “What is wrong with the child?” They ask, “What have we done that this act has occurred?”

Can we turn this conversation from being a “they should” declaration to a “we should” conversation? I urge coaching for BOTH men and women to maximize the full potential of all people seeking to be leaders.

Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D., is president of Covisioning, a leadership coaching and training organization working with a variety of people and organizations around the world to increase emotional intelligence and collaboration. Can she help you and your organization move forward?

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Leadership, Organizational Culture, Women in Leadership Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Best Kept Secret: Women Love Power

December 1, 2010 By

I’d like to banish the widely held myth that women are uncomfortable with power, that we aren’t in touch with our power or don’t like wielding our power. These statements are not true, and they damage the credibility of women.

I do believe it’s true that women give away their power. But first women have to have power in order to give it away.

I also believe it’s true that women don’t like to publicly acknowledge their power. They don’t tell other people that they enjoy having power, and they brush off compliments about the power they demonstrate. It’s likely that they do this because they still face criticism in social and business situations if they admit to enjoying the feeling of power. It is still not safe for women to see their power as a gift.

Yet it is not possible to feel uncomfortable expressing something you don’t have. So women have to have power in order to feel uncomfortable talking about it.

The truth is, when it comes to feeling powerful, women are not only comfortable with it, they like it. We like feeling in control and don’t like it when others try to take that control away. We like being listened to and accept compliments about our wit, if not our intelligence. We like doing important work and feeling that our work is significant.

And contrary to the endless articles that claim that women are responsible for the lack of leadership positions they hold because they don’t raise their hands, look who raises their hands in school. Girls are taught early on to raise their hands. Then as adults, many volunteer for tough assignments and leadership roles.

Yes, women prefer to be asked to step into leadership positions, but unless the woman is a full-fledged introvert, she will take on more responsibilities than she can handle and only turn down leadership positions when she just doesn’t have a drop of energy left to spare.

So why do so many people keep telling women, “Step into your power”? Because women have a hard time saying, “I am powerful,” even though they like the feeling. They blush when people say they intimidate others, saying, “Who me? How could I threaten anyone?” Then they feel bad that these people think they are unapproachable, though they really don’t have time to help everyone.

Therefore, if you are a woman, the question is not, “What will it take for you to enjoy your power?” The questions are:

  • What will it take for you to admit tat you have talents, skills and wisdom that people admire and recognize?

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  • What will it take for you to feel pride for the effect you have on others?

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  • What will it take for you to appreciate being put on a pedestal because you are a model for others to follow?

Are you afraid people will negatively judge you?

They already do if they think you are uncomfortable with power. Are you afraid you will lose friends if you stand proudly in your power? You might lose friends who are envious of you but gain those who love your show of confidence. Are you afraid that you will be given too much power to handle? You won’t know what you can handle until you try it.

You like feeling powerful. Yet you give it away by not letting others know you like it.

What small steps can you take today to test whether your assumptions about the bad effects of showing your power are true? If you can prove to your brain that you will be admired more than criticized, that you will gain supportive friends to replace the ones you lose, and that you can handle the increasing responsibilities given to you (especially if you know how to powerfully ask for help), then your beliefs about your power will change.

What little things can you do today to begin to convince your brain that publicly acknowledging your power is good?

Experiment with showing people that you appreciate the power you’ve earned. Then maybe people will quit perpetuating the myth that women don’t like power. Maybe male leaders will quit saying that women don’t want power. Maybe the people who write articles and blogs will quit telling you to stop being so wimpy.

You’ve got the power. When you let people know that you enjoy your impact, then you are gracefully flaunting it. Is there anything wrong with that?

Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D. is author of “Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction.” She is also the president of Covisioning, a leadership coaching and training organization working with a variety of people and organizations around the world to develop leaders and increase employee collaboration.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Professional Development, Women in Leadership

Stop Praising the Differences in Men and Women

September 5, 2010 By

For years, I have been writing about the differences in the brains of men and women. I have touted the innate strengths women bring to the workplace. I have supported communication skills training that teach us to adapt to gender-based styles.

The men in my life are indirectly teaching me that I may be wrong. Additionally, new research supports the perspective that sex differences in the brain are small. Societal assumptions work to magnify them.

If we are biologically different, then strengths should be recognized. However, if our differences are socially learned, then we might be ignoring an evolution of behavioral traits that is occurring in both men and women that is bringing us closer together.

After 15 years of studying brain-based behavioral research, I am beginning to see that many of our differences are learned. Whatever traits, habits, skills and perspective that can be learned by one gender, can definitely be learned, or unlearned and never learned, by the other. I believe the younger generations are proving this to be true.

I was talking to a client of mine in her early thirties about an article on women “dating down,” meaning the men had less education and earning power than the women. She said, “That thinking is so eighties.” She went on to explain that she and her female friends aren’t looking at potential mates for those factors. They are looking for men to be good life partners, meaning they would share homemaking responsibilities, seek to have a good time together and support each others growth.

“Times are changing,” she said. “Shouldn’t we allow our stereotypes of men and women to change too?”

I used to teach that women changed the subject more frequently when speaking, eventually circling around to the original point they were making. The man I live with does this far more than I do. I used to teach that women were more into collaboration than commandeering. The male coaches I work with have demonstrated collaboration and sensitivity as much if not sometimes more than the women. I used to teach that women multitask better while men focused more concisely. These days, we all multitask, for better or worse, and many women can hone in on a subject with intensity.

I do stand for women being recognized for all the gifts they bring to the table.

I do stand for women being publicly honored when they demonstrate good leadership so younger women can create tangible models for their own development.

I do stand for women being seen as full contributors and excellent leaders. I stand for these women to be mothers as well if they choose to and to have the freedom to accomplish their goals in the manner that best suits their lifestyles.

I do stand for women having equal opportunities for development as men and as many chances to be successful in their business endeavors as men.

I do stand for whatever it takes to breakdown the entrenched masculine cultures in business and politics that keep women from realizing their potential and their dreams.

I stand for these things because women are valuable, not because we are better.

I want these things for men too if they also stand for women to have the same opportunities as they have. If not, I stand against men — and women — who choose to stifle the growth and development of women around the world.

I don’t believe it’s time for women to take over the world. I believe it’s time that men and women support each other as full partners in economic success, world peace and cultural progress.

I think we should:

  • Stop arguing about which gender does certain tasks better.
  • Stop negatively labeling each other when a man shows sensitivity or a woman is firm and ambitious.
  • Start acknowledging the strengths individuals bring to the table, and recognize that most desirable behaviors can be learned if there is a willingness to try and a discipline to practice.
  • Start pairing men with women in leadership capacities so we can learn to honor the richness we both, as humans, offer each other, our companies, and the world. Lets model what working together looks like, demonstrating we know how to blend and collaborate as leaders.

Yes, I believe more women should be leaders in companies, in their communities and in politics. Not because they are women, but because there are remarkable women that can do amazing work just as there are remarkable men as well.

If we promote women only because there should be more women in leadership, then we accept some women who abuse power, suppress progress, and stand for themselves more than they stand for the advancement of women.

I believe that as women become more economically self-sufficient, more educated and more business-savvy, they will naturally rise in power. Companies will be smart to do whatever they can to retain their top talent women. Countries will develop faster if they support women starting their own businesses. Society will be healthier and more stable as women come into their own.

It is the good for all that we support the rise of women in the world. It is the good for all that we do this as equal partners with men. Let’s quit praising our differences and start honoring how the best of us, both men and women, can be powerful together in a more collaborative society.

P.S. Check out the interview Katie Couric did with Gloria Steinem and Jehmue Greene on today’s feminism and workplace issues. They too want to stop the “either/or” and “win/lose” conversations of competition and promote men and women coming together. Steinem said she is disappointed that we lack “…the imagination of cooperation, equality and community.” It is time to move on to come together.

Marcia Reynolds is an executive coach and delivers leadership programs around the world. Read the reviews for her latest book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Organizational Culture, Women in Leadership

The Impending Female Brain Drain

May 31, 2010 By

Recently, articles have appeared all over the Internet demonstrating that it makes good sense to have women share the top leadership roles with men in most organizations.

According to analysts in both the United States and Europe, the more women in a company’s senior management team, the less its share price fell in 2008/09. In another study spanning 19 years, Pepperdine University found that Fortune 500 companies with the best record of promoting women outperformed their competitors by anywhere from 41 to 116 percent. McKinsey also did a global study that showed a significant difference in the financial performance of companies that have women in at least a third of the senior management positions.

Women leaders mean good business.

We know that women still lag behind men in advancement and compensation. The Harvard Business Review found women representing just 3% of Fortune 500 CEOs and less than 15% of corporate executives at top companies worldwide.

Many feel that these dismal numbers reflect a need to force the issue. Northern European countries are requiring quotas to put women in the boardroom. Finland demands that CEO’s publicly explain why they lack women at the top if the numbers are low.

From my research, I don’t think quotas or public humiliation will solve the problem. They may open doors that should have been opened a long time ago. They could give women a chance to change the system once they are in positions of power.

However, the truth is that many women opt out themselves, either choosing to stay in positions below the glass ceiling or not staying long enough in one company to earn a top spot. It is likely that a good majority of high-achieving women in organizations today have their resumes ready to use once the economy turns around and job opportunities increase. Either they will job hop or they will hop off the ladder all together and start their own businesses.

Either way, I predict the female brain drain will be a huge problem for most organizations by the end of the year. Either leaders work to engage their top female employees today or they will be struggling to engage them tomorrow.

The problem lies in how organizations both 1) develop women and 2) create corporate cultures that appeal to top female performers. Here are some ideas to share with your company’s leaders from my new book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction:

1. Make sure women are appropriately developed. A 2009 study of 376 organizations found that 50 percent more men get special attention than women, including mentoring and attending “high-potential programs.” Women are quicker to look for another job than men when they feel frustrated and under-appreciated. If companies want to keep their best female performers in the pipeline, they should look at how they develop women early on.

Also, provide women with a chance to network and give them coaching to help them navigate through an environment that doesn’t always appreciate their leadership styles. Give them the right tools and they will rise to the challenge.

2. Develop the culture, too. Most leaders do not know how to manage high-achieving women. I’m not talking about a woman’s need to juggle family and work responsibilities, though both men and women have this issue. I’m talking about what high-achieving women need even more than men to fully commit to their work.

In their words, this is what women want at work. This may also be true for many men, especially the younger generations, but it is strikingly true for smart, strong women.

• Help us see how our work is meaningful. Even if our products are not that meaningful in the bigger scheme of life, we want to work for companies that care for their employees, respect the environment and support their local communities. We struggle with committing to a monetary goal or a drive solely focused on beating our competitors. We will align our energies with your penchant for profit when we can see the evidence of our good work in the world.

• Continually affirm our contribution and value. We need to know how well we did in relation to the people we touch, including our peers and our customers. It’s not enough for us to know we have great knowledge and ability. We need to know that our contribution made an impact.

• Give us frequent, new challenges. We love to learn and to apply ourselves to resolving new, complex challenges. Never assume our outside responsibilities will get in the way of a demanding new task. Let us make that decision. Then work with us on creating flexible work schedules. We abhor the “who can stay the latest” contests.

• Design and foster a creative and collaborative environment. We love to work for leaders that create environments with an open flow of communications. Organizations are flatter today; let us help you design how work gets done by engaging everyone in the process instead of working through hierarchies.

Helping women climb the corporate ladder makes good business sense. Engage your female talent today before you lose them tomorrow.

If you are a woman working in an organization that mismanages high-achieving women, there’s a letter you can copy and send to your CEO at www.wanderwomanbook.com in the top right corner. Feel free to forward the document to any executive who would benefit from the message, or copy and customize the letter to fit your communication style and the needs of your organization.

Adapted from Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Leadership, Professional Development, Women in Leadership

Who Will Save the Day?

February 27, 2010 By

I love the book We Bought a Zoo. It’s a chronicle about a family who bought a run-down zoo before the animals had to be shipped out or euthanized. They had no background in running zoos, but they felt a passion for the possibility of a noble success.

My favorite story starts with an employee running into the new Zoo Director’s office to tell him the jaguar had escaped. Yet instead of dashing out into the city streets looking for victims, the jaguar leaped into the tiger’s cage next door.

The Zoo Director grabbed his gun and ran to the big cat’s cages. Why the gun? Hopefully, they could scare them apart. If they had to break up a fight, it would be better to kill one animal than to lose them both. In this case, the jaguar was the endangered species and must be preserved.

It was likely Sovereign, a male jaguar, had never seen a tiger in person until that moment. Tammy, a female tiger, was more than twice his weight and size. The Zoo Director arrived just in time to see Sovereign leap at Tammy. With one movement, Tammy smacked the smaller Sovereign across the cage like a toy. Apparently she didn’t have to adhere to society’s definition of gender and could show her strength at will.

Then, as if daring Sovereign to try again, Tammy jumped to a top of a rock, roared and crouched, ready to leap. The Zoo Director had to decide if it was time to shoot her.

But wait! There is another way to approach this problem. Yes, leaders must take decisive action in a crisis and especially in the face of danger. Or do they?

Before he pulled the trigger, the female cat keeper Kelly ordered all available men to line up in front of the cage and yell loudly at Tammy. Kelly knew Tammy didn’t like men or shouting.

All the available men, including the IT consultant and groundskeepers, quickly formed and line and started yelling at the tiger, telling her she was bad, she should go to her room, she doesn’t play well, and whatever else they could think to yell.

Tammy looked as if she were sprayed with water. She squinted and flattened her ears. The two female cat keepers gently called Tammy to her house. Within moments, she jumped off the rock and ran to her room. The door slammed behind her. Then working together, the male and female zookeepers lured the jaguar back to his cage.

When do you feel you have to make a decision on your own? In my years of teaching leadership classes, I have heard too many excuses from leaders and high-achievers who insist that they must make certain decisions on their own and much of their work can’t be delegated. Is this absolutely true? Here are some ideas to help you determine if you have to act on our own or can elicit ideas from your (hopefully) diverse team:

Tip #1: Is it a rule or a habit?

When you are making a difficult decision or handling details because you think you are the only one with answers, ask yourself, “Is it true that there is no one I can ask to help me?” People like being asked for their advice and assistance. Even if you end up acting on your own, at least they helped you weigh the options.

When I teach leadership classes, I ask the question, “What do your procedural and organizational rules say to people? Do they say, ‘I don’t trust you?’ or do your rules say, “I believe in your competence to contribute and trust that you will give your best?” It’s time to change your rules and procedures so that people feel engaged and valued.

Tip #2: Who would have a different interpretation of the event?

It is always good to ask others for their interpretation of an event to see if you are missing something. In the zoo story, the director was coming from a preservation interpretation. His female cat keeper, who works with the animals daily, had a different interpretation about the problem and the solution. Fill in your blanks by gathering other perspectives, even in a crisis.

Tip #3: Are you willing to let go of being the one who knows?

If the foundation of your success has been your intelligence and experience, then it is often hard to let someone else have the right answer. If you ask for help, will people question the core of who you think you are—the one who knows? The truth is, if you are truly the one with the most knowledge and answers, people will feel honored when you ask them for their ideas.

The best leaders assemble diverse teams with different perspectives so the best answers will emerge. If the day needs to be saved, it will be done by everyone working together.

Marcia Reynolds, PsyD is a leadership coach and sought-after speaker. Her bestselling book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction has been quoted in Psychology Today, ForbesWoman, The Daily Beast, and Metro News Canada. She is also the author of Outsmart Your Brain and teaches classes worldwide on emotional intelligence and leadership.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Leadership, Professional Development, Women in Leadership

What Are You Committed To?

November 28, 2009 By

I was asked to speak to a group of women in March on the Power of Commitment. I was disappointed to be given a topic that seemed like old news. I could tell good stories, but everyone knows that once you commit, magic is possible. And if you don’t commit, you don’t complete.

Then I started thinking about what I am committed to in my life. I realized that every action I take, or avoid, demonstrates my commitment to something.

For example, this morning I demonstrated my commitment to puttering. Since I felt a sense of peace in my puttering, I think the action represents my commitment to my sanity, to allow myself a break between projects. However, I recognize my mindlessness could also be fed by my commitment to comfort since I was delaying a project I knew would be intense and difficult. When I was honest about what I was committing to at that moment, I had clarity about my choices. I could set a deadline on my puttering and then begin the difficult project that could lead to exciting possibilities.

Commitment is a choice. This choice is based on an emotion. You commit on how to use each moment based on what emotion is aroused: passion, fear, exhaustion, anger, sadness, and desire to name a few.

We generally think of commitment as a representation of our passion. When people ask me how I find the time to write books, I tell them that I commit my time because I’m passionate about my message and mission.

Brain Tip #1: If you can’t commit to something, ask yourself if you lack passion for the project. If you do, is there anything about the outcome that you can hitch your passion to? You can deal with drudgery much better if you are passionate about the results. Clearly define what you are passionate about achieving, then post reminders where you will see them to help you stay on track.

Fear can be just as powerful as passion when choosing what to commit to. The brain loves status quo. You commit to avoiding pain then masterfully rationalize your decision.

  • If you commit to comfort over anxiety, you won’t take risks.
  • On the other hand, if you fear the consequences for not carrying out a task, you may fearfully commit to doing something you don’t want to, which leads to resentment and half-hearted work. Don’t kid yourself—people sense when you are working out of obligation; your emotions will negatively impact the results.
  • Fear of committing to others may drive you to create standards that no one can meet. You commit to these standards then you are disappointed by any job, manager or partner in your life. Your disappointment gives you a good excuse for leaving, mentally or physically.

Brain Tip #2: When you are ready and willing to release a fear so you can commit more to your passions, ask yourself the following questions:

  1. In five words or less, define the mission or ultimate goal you want to achieve.
  2. What stories are you telling about the people you are dealing with? Could these stories be excuses to justify your fear-based commitment?
  3. What do you like about yourself right now? What doesn’t feel so good?
  4. Based on your actions, what are you committed to? What emotions are driving this commitment? Is this a commitment you want to uphold?
  5. What emotion would you like to drive your thoughts and actions? What emotion would empower your mission or ultimate goal? What can you do to shift your emotional state so you feel more positively right now? What memory, picture, story or quote can you keep nearby to keep you in this desired state?

Anger can fuel a commitment. Many great things have happened after the words, “I’ll show you.” Yet over time, anger can deplete your energy and drive away your allies.

Brain Tip #3: Shift your anger away from what you don’t like to the passion you have for what you want to create. Your commitment will yield quicker and better results.

When you are sad, your brain slows down your mental and physical functions to allow for healing. It’s good to allow yourself to grieve, whether for a person, a project or a dream. Yet while grieving, your commitments are based on the past, not the future.

Brain Tip #4: Commit to your mental health by fully grieving your loss or unmet expectation, and then let go. You need time to express your sadness before you can recommit your passion more thoroughly. However, if you don’t allow yourself to let go—to say goodbye and to forgive anyone if you need to—you may be committing to the past because of a fear of moving forward or because of a desire for retribution. If you need to, ask for help. Then commit to composing a new life, dream or project.

Brain Challenge: Stop yourself at least three times today and ask yourself what you are committed to. What do your actions represent as a commitment? What emotions are fueling this drive? What would you like to feel instead? How would this change your commitment and subsequent actions?

Love your commitment or change it. It’s your choice.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Leadership, Professional Development, Self-Awareness, Women in Leadership

The Secret to Accessing Your Brilliance

July 16, 2009 By

When it comes to creative problem solving, you need to be able to access all three brain states: Focus, Wander and Empty. Whether you are facing a technical problem or a personal issue, the following steps will help you come up with brilliant solutions with ease.

Brain Tip #1: Focus in on the problem.

Focusing helps you define the problem and differentiate the details from other issues you are dealing with. When you focus, ask yourself to define 1) who is involved, 2) what happened really that you know to be true, 3) where and when any important incidents and discussions took place, 4) what were the results and the impact of the incidents and discussions, and 5) how often this problem has occurred before. Uncover these facts before you speculate why the problem exists. Solutions might show up as you articulate the facts.

Note: men are better able than women to focus on one thing at a time based on our brain biology. Women are natural multi-taskers, which means fenales need to work harder to zoom in and compartmentalize their thinking.

Brain Tip #2: Wander to let your brain work.

Once you thoroughly define the problem, you want to use your wandering mind to help you discover the solutions that aren’t readily apparent. In the past, I have written brain tips about the power of shutting your cognitive brain down to give your middle brain a chance to process information. However new research has proven that although you want to rest your brain to keep it healthy, a wandering mind is a better state for solving complex problems. Kalina Christoff, a psychologist at the University of British Columbia summarized her research by saying, “When people mind-wander, very far from the brain becoming blank, it in fact becomes really active…an expansive number of regions become quite active when your mind is wandering.”

Christoff found that when people are distracted and begin thinking about other things than the problem at hand, their executive network is far more active than when focusing on one problem. Whether you are cooking, playing sports or planning your next vacation, you are allowing your brain to process the complex problem while your brain is in an active state.

In fact, surfing the net at work for pleasure actually increases our concentration levels and helps make a more productive workforce, according to a new University of Melbourne study. Dr Brent Coker, from the Department of Management and Marketing, says that workers who engage in ‘Workplace Internet Leisure Browsing’ (WILB) are more productive than those who don’t.

“People who surf the Internet for fun at work – within a reasonable limit of less than 20% of their total time in the office – are more productive by about 9% than those who don’t,” he says.

Managers who complain about their employees watching YouTube videos or doing their personal email need to take heed. According to the study of 300 workers, 70% of people who use the Internet at work engage in WILB. Among the most popular WILB activities are searching for information about products and reading online news sites. Dr. Coker surmises that short and unobtrusive breaks, such as a quick surf of the internet, enables the mind to relax and open up, leading to both higher concentration when people return their focus to a problem and increased productivity.

Note: The female brain tends to wander naturally. Since they make more connections in any given moment, it is wise for men to listen to all their ideas before discounting them as irrelevant.  There can be seeds of brilliance in the off-base idea.

Brain Tip #3: Rest to refresh your overworked brain.

Finally, the human brain needs to take a rest to refresh when you are working hard. You need to give your decisions time to brew in your head. Lack of sleep will affect your judgment. Worrying and time pressures will hinder your ability to see options. It’s too bad most cultures don’t allow naps during the day. When I used to work in Taiwan, everyone was expected to lay their head on their desks after lunch for about fifteen minutes to rest and even to sleep if they could. This is a wonderful way to reboot your brain.

Note: The male brain goes into a “rest state” many times throughout the day whereas the female brain is hard to turn off. Women, learning how to shut down and be present to the moment will serve both the health of your brain and your body. Men, don’t make up what you miss when you zone out. Ask a woman to fill you in.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Problem-solving, Professional Development, Self-Awareness, Women in Leadership

How to Be a Powerful Leader

December 26, 2007 By

“I am certain that after the dust of centuries has passed over our cities, we, too, will be remembered not for victories or defeats…but for our contribution to the human spirit.” John F. Kennedy

There are many times when life calls us to stand and be a leader, whether a group needs you to rise up or to model leadership for your children. What does it take to be a good leader?

THE PROBLEM: Traditionally, leadership has been viewed as a set of competencies, with the search for the right mix of behaviors and skills a multi-billion dollar business. Yet the right formula that sustains success over time remains elusive.

The problem is that most skills are based on “Force”, using ones own will to direct, motivate, manipulate, or influence the will of others. There is an inherent factor of failure in any of these leadership formulas because they tend to create negative instead of positive energy, which is destructive instead of constructive in the long run.

Eventually, those affected by force either rebel or lose their spirit, creating fear, anger, or submissiveness in our employees, children, and even in our partners and friends. Few people like it when we attempt to manipulate or influence them to do what we think is right.

THE SOLUTION: On the other hand, if leaders lead with Power—by choosing to be someone others admire and want to emulate–they move people forward aided by life-force energy. There have been many models of power in history in those who inspired others to rise up, filling their spirit with passion for the greater good. Leaders such as Gandhi and Nelson Mandela collapsed empires by selflessly standing for man’s right to self-determination. Churchill unified the will of his people by standing for freedom, reason, and love for country, defeating Hitler’s force. Gorbachev toppled communism without a weapon. When the two meet, Force is no match for Power. John F. Kennedy said that what people will remember about us is how we contribute to the human spirit. His words still enliven the spirit in people today.

Force consumes. Power energizes. Force drains energy. Power feeds it. The need to control others shows the lack of power. Force uses judgment, making people feel badly about themselves. Power uses acceptance, helping people feel positively about themselves. Victories from Force bring temporary satisfaction. Power begets long-lasting joy.

BRAIN TIP: So how do leaders become powerful?

1. Self-awareness. First, they must FEEL the difference between force and power within themselves. When we inspire with power, we don’t feel the need to push, we look for how we can clear the way for people to risk, create, and excel. To access power, leaders work step-by-step and stretch-by-stretch, shedding their personal needs and desires until all that is left is the love for their work and the people around them. Charisma is the outer manifestation of the grace of inner power.

2. Courage to accept and let go. Powerful leaders have the courage to accept their own foibles, which gives rise to forgiveness and compassion for others. Leaders must also give up knowing the answers, to risk being wrong, and to allow the vulnerability of looking inadequate. Having all the answers stops possibility. Powerful people believe that there is always more to see and know.

3. Live in integrity and simplicity. Finally, leaders must live by the principles they speak, which is integrity. In the end, powerful leaders know that the more they give up being a Great Leader and surrender to the simplicity and beauty of just existing, the more extraordinary will be the results. It is the leader whose ego is practically invisible, at least in the moment of choice, who frees the spirit of those around him or her to rise.

Yes, there will be conflicts and difficult decisions to make. Yet leaders who handle these challenges by not taking things personally, and choosing to stay calm and thoughtful, can learn to make choices without struggle. The leader who is accessible, accepting, affirming, encouraging, and invigorating by words and nature becomes a formidable victor without lifting a finger of force. In the presence of these leaders, we too lose ourselves to the pleasure of existence.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Professional Development, Self-Awareness, Team Building, Women in Leadership