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The Best Kept Secret of Leadership: Do Less, Focus More

August 13, 2011 By

As you wade through the stress of a turbulent and uncertain world, do you find yourself demanding more from yourself and your employees? This often happens when your brain is trapped in protection mode. According to a blog post published by the Harvard Business Review, “...research has shown that the more executives have to do, the less their company earns.”

Add technology to the equation and stressed-out leaders and employees are spending more time at home checking emails as well as working on and thinking about work. According to a survey by Right Management, one out of three employees in North America said they often get emails they must reply to from their bosses during weekends.  “It’s now taken for granted that everyone has to check their work email during the weekend,” says Douglas J. Matthews, Right Management’s president.

As a result, our “work brain” never stops whirring. These intrusions cut out down time unless you go on a real vacation, something few Americans take these days.

Has all this extra work paid off? No. In fact, the never-ending work cycle is detrimental to productivity.

I was teaching a class for a group of managers who worked for a French bank in Moscow. One woman told me that she started her career working for an American bank. She had great aspirations of success. As her manager demanded more and more of her time, insisting she work harder and faster on so many “priorities” that she had to take work home, she found herself overwhelmed, exhausted, and always on the brink of tears. She knew her work suffered as well.

The story has a happy ending. She quit and went to work for a French bank. Her managers helped her discern top priorities from less-important tasks and encouraged her to maintain a healthy lifestyle. She followed the “do less and focus more” rule. She is not only happier, she is more productive. Her good work has earned her two promotions in three years. The French-based bank is currently more successful than the American bank she worked for.

Leaders who chase every opportunity and feel their teams must excel at every objective on their list are running resources too thin. Focus is then scattered, killing any chance that the leader and the organization will stand out as superior in one particular area which is critical to be a competitive success.

The question is, “What is your mission as a Leader?”

Are you supposed to focus on getting many results or getting an extraordinary result or two?

To get extraordinary results, you have to be aware of the impact your requests have both on yourself and on your employees. As my colleague, executive coach Val Williams says,

“When leaders follow this ‘more, better and faster’ strategy they’re often surprised that instead of achieving confidence in their success, they feel ore burned out and insecure. When you employ this strategy of ‘do more, faster’ over the long-term, then you actually become more reactive, less strategic and frankly, more replaceable.”

If instead you focus on your highest priorities and inspire others to do their best on the tasks that give them both good results and a feeling of pride, then you are giving everyone a chance to apply their best selves to their jobs. This includes making sure people have time to rest their bodies and brains so they can create and produce top quality work.

The more complex a situation, the more there is a chance to overload your cognitive resources. When you instead sleep on it, or distract yourself with something mindless, you give your unconscious a chance to sort through possible solutions which is more effective than consciously trying to sift through pros and cons.

TIP #1: Taking a nap or letting your mind wander gives your brain a chance to process complex decisions. Set an alarm for 20 or 30 minutes. Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Even if you don’t fall asleep, this relaxation will ensure you rest. If you can’t sit still, play a computer game or read a mindless magazine to keep from thinking about work. This enables your brain mind to relax and open up, leading to both higher concentration as well as productivity when you return your focus to your work.

TIP #2: Lindsey Paho, writing on behalf of Colorado Technical University suggests you determine your own sense of balance. What can you accomplish without feeling stressed and overwhelmed? What tips you over the edge? When you are aware of your own limits, you can design a schedule that keeps you sane.

TIP #3: Lindsey also suggests you get over yourself and ask for help when you need it. As a leader, you don’t have to be the superstar lone ranger. Modeling rationality for your employees is better than demonstrating stressed-out self-reliance.

Do you want your organization to win? Re-evaluate your mission. Are you pushing for expected results or are you creating the space for extraordinary results? The latter requires you do less with more focus.

In the end, you and your employees will have better ideas, make more sales, complete more projects, better answer critical emails and collaborate in a way that is needed for amazing results.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Organizational Culture

The ROI of Your Mother Relates to Results

June 9, 2011 By

ROI of your Mother? Blogger Chris Brogan saw the author of Crush It, Gary Vaynerchuk, grilled on the return on investment of social media. When he finally had enough, Gary responded, “What’s the ROI of your mother?”

I think the same answer applies to the question, “What is the ROI of soft skills leadership training?” When you think of what a good mother provides – someone who cares about what you want, who helps and encourages you to grow and who inspires your greatness – these are critical attributes for today’s effective leaders. Even when well developed, the direct effect of these abilities, though profound, is difficult to measure.

Lauren Klein shared some thoughts with me from Kenneth W. Thomas, author of Intrinsic Motivation at Work, when he presented to the Executive Networks Global Talent Leadership forum. Thomas says work engagement requires intrinsic rewards, the positive feelings that energize people to do good work. Leaders need to focus on what makes people want to do their best work and stay with an organization, from the inside out. Discretionary effort is fueled by the heart.

According to the Corporate Leadership Council, emotional engagement is four times more powerful than rational engagement from external rewards in inspiring employee effort. They surveyed over 50,000 employees at 59 global corporations. By increasing employees’ engagement levels, they found organizations see increase in performance of up to 20 percentile points and an 87% reduction in employees’ probability of departure. Their study demonstrates a clear ROI of soft skills.

Thomas calls actions that ignite internal motivation “firing up the talent engine.” Keeping the talent engine burning is critical to creating business success in today’s competitive and consistently changing marketplace. Daniel Pink in his book, Drive, says it is critical that a company’s mission and strategic objectives also fire up this energy. People need to feel that the work they are doing is important, even if it is helping other businesses be successful.

Yet all too often corporate executives still focus on using the hard skills of process improvement, increasing efficiency, and creating new business models to try to increase bottom line results. Focusing on old methodologies keeps them hitting their heads on the ceiling of short-term and marginal solutions.

The generations entering the workplace and moving into leadership positions today are used to instantly connecting, collaborating and voicing opinions on the Internet. They expect to have work environments that provide the same atmosphere. The good performers want to have fun, feel challenged and express their creativity. They want leaders who care about what they want, who help and encourage them to grow and who inspire their greatness. I repeat Gary Vaynerchuk’s questions, “What’s the ROI of your mother?”

On the flip side, the younger generations despise workplaces rife with fear and negative emotions. They won’t put up with this nonsense for long, especially when the economy stabilizes and jobs open up.

It’s time to quit giving lip service to the soft skills and truly make them important strategic directives. It’s time for leaders to truly support the development of skills such as coaching, collaborative visioning, emotional intelligence, and team motivation in their young leaders. It’s time to make the workplace a place where people look forward to going to.

Soft skills focused on enriching human interaction get solid, hard results. Do you value caring for, listening to, developing and inspiring others? Then translate this value into reality by putting time and money into ensuring your leaders excel at connecting with human beings.

Filed Under: Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Organizational Culture, Team Building Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Dancing with the Stars? Four Ways to Give Your Team Some Groove

March 18, 2011 By

Hiring good people is only a starting point.  Then culture takes over. Put good people in a toxic environment and their qualities seem to fade.

Culture isn’t created by values posters and mission statements. Culture can be seen by observing how people interact in meetings and sensing what moods are driving their behavior. Are they openly sharing their thoughts, building on each others ideas and able to laugh with each other? OR are they cautious, orderly and emotionally disconnected? Behavior defines the culture.

For decades, researchers have been looking at how moods affect the dynamics of a work area. Where employees talk openly and informally with each other and laugh a lot, they take fewer sick days, quarrel less and stay longer with the company. On the flip side, negative group moods correlated with more stress causing more days off and decreased productivity, more conflicts and higher turnover.

What emotions define your culture?

Here are clues that the people in your group, team or organization are dancing to the same tune by choice (happily aligned):

Open, tolerant, flexible, imaginative, curious, expressive, creative, innovative, enthusiastic, open-minded, open to new experiences, honors diversity in the group.

Dominant emotions: excitement, passion, hope, and enjoyment.

Here are clues that they are nonaligned, each moving to a beat of a different drummer (disjointed):

Stubborn, close-minded, rebellious, rigid, intolerant, annoyed, calculating, decisive, aggressive or restrained depending on their view of who holds the power in the moment.

Dominant emotions: worried, belligerent, angry, suspicious, protective, wary, restless, and resolute.

Here are clues that they are dancing to someone else’s tune other than their own (conforming):

Indifferent, reliable, orderly, faithful, consistent, conventional, obedient, organized, careful, practical, methodical, reserved, concerned about the rules.

Dominant emotions: fear, confusion, apathy, cautious, and numb.

The good news is that you can change the way people dance together if you are the leader of the team. There are skills you can master such as coaching and collaborative decision-making, yet applying new skills can be a hit or miss proposition with a group that has been together for a while. It is better to first focus on changing the mood of the group instead of trying to fix them with new skills.

To build organizational coherence:

Brain Tip #1: Remember that as the leader, you set the emotional tone. Even if you are a bit stressed over thoughts of the future or a change being made, you must model the emotions you want from others.

Brain Tip #2: Weed out toxic people who bring the group down. Even if they are top performers, their effect on others hurts the overall outcome. Their good work isn’t worth the loss.

Brain Tip #3:Find out from the group what it will take to uplift their spirit. Ask them what they  need to feel good about their work and the organization. Ask them to recall situations in the past that stirred positive emotions. Discover what led to them feeling:

  • Enthusiastic about the future
  • Delight in discovering something new with others
  • Triumph when overcoming a setback
  • Pride for the group and the mission
  • Gratitude for their situation
  • Care about the people they work with
  • Excited about getting up and going to work

Can you use this information to create successful, productive environment?

Brain Tip #4: Create new music and use many channels to deliver it. Robert Jones wrote about how Laura Miller of Coca-Cola made sure this happened during a recent corporate merger. She helped to orchestrate a strategy that would inspire optimism and promote happiness internally during the massive change process. First, the senior leaders committed to sharing their vision locally and broadly with road shows, daily huddles, leadership blogs that included comments, employee portals for interaction, mobile messaging and digital signage from every plant. Second, they ramped up training and development to show they still cared no matter what was going on. Third, they increased rewards and recognition, including widespread “sharing happiness” celebrations. Fourth, they maintained their corporate citizenship programs to sustain community pride in the workforce. Six months after the merger, the quarterly earnings reflected a huge success.

John F. Kennedy said, “I’m certain that after the dust of centuries has passed over our cities, we too will be remembered not by our victories and defeats, but by our contribution to the human spirit.” How are you uplifting the spirit of your organization? Play the right music and the dance will be joyful as well as harmonious.

Contact Marcia to help get your team dancing to the same upbeat music as soon as possible.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Leadership, Organizational Culture, Team Building

“Fixing” Women Hurts More Than Helps

March 10, 2011 By

Many people eagerly sent me the Wall Street Journal article, Coaching Urged for Women. The article heralded the McKinsey April, 2011 report claiming “inadequate career development holds back female executives.” As a result of their research, they surmised that the lack of women in top management positions is due to insufficient coaching, leadership training and rotation through various management roles.

Although it is probable that companies provide more development opportunities for men than women and the report does include a suggestion for leaders to work on the limiting mindsets that create the barriers for women, the recommendations focus primarily on “fixing the women” instead of on fixing the system that created the problem.

I love that I have a cadre of amazing female leaders that I coach. Yet it would make their lives easier if the male leaders they had to deal with were coached as well.

In January, the head of North American HR of one of the largest software companies in the world told me they were doing well with developing their women even though the top management team was still made up of men. He said, “I coach many of the women myself. I help them see how they can best work in this male-dominated company.”

I asked him, “Are you also developing programs for the men so they can best work with women in your company?” He quickly said that would not be possible with their German management team.

Pattie Sellers, Editor at Large for Fortune magazine, made a sobering statement at this year’s ICAN Women’s Leadership conference, “There will not be parity for women.” She said that parity will not happen in our lifetime. Parity will not happen with the power structures in place today. She claimed that there is a narrow band of acceptable female behaviors making it extremely hard for women to authentically lead. These limitations and stereotypes will keep the imbalance in place.

Selena Rezvani, author of The Next Generation of Women Leaders, says, “Women are often not seen as intellectually or emotionally equipped as their male counterparts. Stereotypes of women as too passive, too emotional or too ambitious to lead are simply not based in reality.” She describes how our social conditioning has entrenched the nuanced barriers that women face. You might think discrimination is fading, but Rezvani sites countless studies and examples that demonstrate this ongoing force in the workplace.

In addition to the negative judgments around female emotions and behaviors, the determination that they lack skills is also not based in reality. Rezvani cites a study done by Lawrence A. Pfaff in 2001 that included 2, 482 managers from 400 companies across 19 states that found female managers scored higher than their male counterparts on 20 different leadership skills. The measurements extended beyond “soft skills” like communication and empowerment to include skills typically attributed to men such as decisiveness, planning, and setting standards.

A study published in 2008 compared the scores on standardized math tests of 7 million boys and girls across 10 states found no difference in their math proficiency. Many of these girls are entering fields of engineering, accounting, and finance. The fact that few make it into leadership positions can’t be blamed on a lack of skills or knowledge.

On the bright side, Sellers also said that more and more women are starting businesses to create the companies they want to work for. I suggest we support these companies by buying their goods and services and suggesting others do the same. This may be the only way of decreasing the female leadership gap.

In spite of these bleak reports, I am optimistic that some of our leaders, especially the younger ones, will “get it.” There will be enlightened leaders who see that the answer is not to fix women but to change the mindsets of both men and women that keep women in an inferior light.

Dr. Rachel Remen, author of Kitchen Table Wisdom, writes, “When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life whole.” When leaders stop trying to fix the female problem and instead promote women being valued in the workplace for who they are, then we might start seeing the numbers of female leaders rise.

Women don’t give up their ambition as the McKinsey report suggests. The system gives up on them when they paint women as inadequate.

Yes, there should be equal opportunities for development for women and men. In addition, all leadership training should have a day focused on men and women dialoguing about their needs, desires and challenges so they can all move forward together.

I once heard a story about an African village that sees every problem as a result of their “system.” When a child commits a crime, the elders are gathered. They do not ask, “What is wrong with the child?” They ask, “What have we done that this act has occurred?”

Can we turn this conversation from being a “they should” declaration to a “we should” conversation? I urge coaching for BOTH men and women to maximize the full potential of all people seeking to be leaders.

Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D., is president of Covisioning, a leadership coaching and training organization working with a variety of people and organizations around the world to increase emotional intelligence and collaboration. Can she help you and your organization move forward?

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Leadership, Organizational Culture, Women in Leadership Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

From Where Do You Lead? A New Leadership Skill is Emerging

February 14, 2011 By

We may agree on what leaderships styles aren’t working, but defining what does work in today’s environment is more difficult. The creativity and innovation needed to build a long-lasting competitive advantage require more collaborative and inspiring approaches.

Does this mean organizations should be flatter or more interconnected? Maybe, but the shift in leadership requires something more than trying to restructure the org chart. The change in the nature of leadership requires a shift in emotions.

Although work is an economic system where people are paid for their efforts and acknowledged for good results, the brain experiences the workplace first and continually as a social system. In this system, the leader sets the emotional tone. Every aspect of the leader’s presence has social meaning.

Even if unintended, if employees feel unsure, unrecognized, or betrayed, they are not capable of giving their best effort even if they “suck it up” without complaint.

On the flip side, leaders who know both when and how to connect, reassure, care about, encourage and invigorate individuals and teams are likely to see profitable growth if the products and services meet a recognized market need. Additionally, they will gain a long-lasting competitive advantage if they focus their engaged employees on creativity and innovation.

This competency I am describing here goes beyond emotional intelligence (EI). Yes, leaders should be aware of the impact they have on others so they can better choose their words, actions and emotions in any given situation. They also need to know how to both feel and shift emotions, a competency that goes deeper and takes more courage than basic EI skills.

Leaders who can activate the emotions of others first establish a deep emotional connection, a competency called “coherence.” Leaders who know how to lead from this place–their middle brain not their tactical, logical brain–will be forerunners of organizational transformation and success in coming years.

Interpersonal Coherence

If you could determine the rising source of the mental inefficiencies that result in poor problem-solving and missed opportunities, wouldn’t you take action to reverse the trend? Science has proven negative emotions such as anger, fear, frustration, disappointment and pressured impair sound decision-making and decrease the ability to creatively see options and perform at one’s best.¹

Conversely, when people feel both safe and energized, they waste fewer inefficient thoughts and reactions and they don’t have to strain to stay focused and productive.

Therefore, leaders need to manage internal states. First they need to quiet their internal noise and release the pressure, which they can do with foundational emotional intelligence skills. From this point, they can create coherence. Once they clear their own minds, they can more clearly understand and act on what is causing stress, resistance, and malaise in the workplace.  They can:

  1. Identify the source of negative emotions and what part leadership had in creating these states,
  2. Publicly acknowledge the sources of these emotions,
  3. Ask what it will take to shift the emotional tide at work,
  4. Set plans in motion to engage their employees differently, and
  5. Intentionally shift their own emotions to pride, optimism, excitement, caring and humor while working to uplift the environment.

The key factors for this process to succeed are emotionally-based. Leaders first allow themselves to feel what their employees are feeling. The employees then feel a sense of coherence with their leader. This doesn’t mean the leader gets lost in the negative emotions. Instead, the leader gains a true sense of what is occurring and demonstrates authentic empathy. Then while taking action, leaders shift their emotions to the state they want those in their organization to feel such as passion, excitement and hope.

In short, leaders connect and then uplift. They align with their employees then reset the emotional tone.

Emotions drive sustained behavior. No strategic plan or terms of engagement will fully succeed without considering the emotional aspect along with the actions.

Organizational Coherence

Emotional viruses are quick to spread in organizations. Leaders can strengthen the immunity of the system by being intentional about how they identify, acknowledge and shift emotional states. They can counter attacks by creating positive viruses spreading from the top down. This is how leaders keep the social system they operate in vibrant and alive.

From where do you lead? Consider leading from the inside out. The ability to create interpersonal and organizational coherence could be your competitive edge.

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¹ Extensive research has been done and reports collected by The HeartMath Research Center at the Institute of HeartMath in Boulder Creek, California. The occurrence of coherence between people is adeptly described in their paper, The Energetic Heart: Biolectromagnetic Interactions Within and Between People. You can purchase this report and learn more about HeartMath at www.Heartmath.org.

Marcia Reynolds is an organizational psychologist and master certified coach. She can help you think through and implement the steps to strengthen your relationships and emotionally uplift your organization. Contact her at Marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Emotional Coherence, Leadership, Organizational Culture

How to See Differences as a Contribution Instead of a Source of Competition

December 27, 2010 By

Last month I shared with you ways for people to listen for how they are similar. You can learn how your desires and struggles are similar through sharing stories and laughing together. This creates the sense of connection needed to work more smoothly in a relationship, team, or community.

Once a foundation of connection is built in your relationships, and you are clear on what you are trying to create together, you can then see your differences as contributions to the mission or goal instead of as sources of conflict.

In this context, you are able to look beyond the labels. You don’t judge someone by their gender, age or culture as if they had limitations or superior attributes the world must come to recognize. I cringe when I see classes on “Gen X, Y, Z” and even ones that promote the idea that women make better leaders than men. Instead of defining people as groups, seek to know them as individuals with something great to give. Curiosity is a great team builder.

Once way of discovering what each person has to contribute is to use a process called Appreciative Dialogue. When you have a common goal or future in place, use this technique to see people’s differences as contributions before you create expectations or judgments that lead to disappointment and competition.

Appreciative Dialogue is based on the popular approach to organizational change called Appreciative Inquiry that directs people to build on what’s working rather than trying to fix what’s not. Taking an appreciative approach, you see your issue through a new lens, not the normal critical lens assigned to problem solving. You jump outside of the problem-solving box that your logical brain likes to play in.

I applied this inquiry process to developing interpersonal relationships when I designed the Appreciative Dialogue technique to help women identify and show up as their “best self” in my book Wander Woman. Using Appreciative Dialogue goes beyond discovering and applying your strengths. Most people can easily identify what they are good at doing. Appreciative Dialogue helps people discover together their greatest, most powerful, and joyful contributions. When they hold appreciative dialogues, they can align their best energies to powerfully conquer roadblocks and create amazing results.

The process will help you be mindful of what you do when you create moments where you feel fully alive and excited. You explore everything that contributed to the creation of your peak experiences in the past and then consciously apply those contributions–your strengths, values, gifts, attitudes, emotions and actions–to a relationship and the challenges you are currently facing.

BRAIN TIP: How to Hold an Appreciative Dialogue

Step 1. Even though you may be facing a difficult issue with your partner or colleagues, set the issues aside. Instead, think of a time in your past when you felt energized, significant, and fulfilled. This moment could have happened yesterday or years ago. Can you recall a particular peak experience?

With this memory in mind, with one person speaking at a time, answer the following questions:

1. Describe a peak experience where you felt fully alive and fulfilled (this could have been a moment in time in an on-going situation or after an event was complete).

2. What five things did you contribute to creating this peak experience? (do not use broad characterizations such as being a good team player, leader or friend; define specific strengths, personality attributes, powerful emotions, work or life values, special actions)

Step 2. The listener or group should encourage the person speaking to find five distinct contributions. Listeners should not judge, analyze or suggest any ideas. They can ask questions to clarify what they person shares, such as, “When you accomplished the project, what emotions helped you to persevere? What did you value that helped you make the right choices and connections? What did you feel differently about this project or situation that led to great results? What did you do or feel that was special, that other times you have held back?”

Step 3. After everyone shares their personal contributions to a time when they felt fully alive and fulfilled, you can then look at the issue, project or goal you have to work on together.

1. Looking at the list of contributions, what can each person carry forward to the challenge we are now facing?

2. What is possible for us now as a partnership or team?

The intent of Appreciative Dialogue is to teach your brain how to make the shift from seeing how people are different when facing problems to seeing how people can best work together. New ideas will appear in the conversation as you connect your positive past with the present moment. The sudden, new, and amazing solution to a problem arises when you can look at your situation from a perspective of appreciative contribution.

Remember to have these conversations often so you can determine what activities, mindset, and energy patterns will best serve the problems that arise. The results will help you revitalize your daily activities.

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From Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction Marcia is available to coach your high-achievers and work teams to achieve amazing results. Contact her at Marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com

 

 

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Organizational Culture, Team Building

Similarities: The Glue that Holds Us Together

October 14, 2010 By


A house divided against itself cannot stand.

Abraham Lincoln borrowed this quote from the New Testament when he was describing the division in the United States. It is a powerful quote to consider no matter what divisions you are struggling with in your life. Your “house” can apply to your government, your company or work group, your community and your family.

When we focus on our differences, we cannot come together.

Healthy relationships are critical to success. A team or partnership can eke out results whether the participants get along or not but the group cannot create amazing results without a solid connection among the members.

When people say, “We don’t have to like each other to get work done,” I question the quality of the work. I believe we have to know each other, trust each other, and hold a healthy respect for each other to achieve excellent results. If I respect you, I like you on some level. These feelings are the glue that holds us together.

In a recent article in The New York Times about Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s chief operating officer, the relationship between her and the executives at Facebook is based on Sandberg’s keen ability to listen and connect. Although her background, her look and her focus for the company is very different from the people she works with at Facebook, she has a keen understanding of how they see the world and can slip into their “bandwidth” with ease. “She’s legit,” says Christopher Cox, the company’s vice president for product. “She’s not like a robot M.B.A.”

Most of us want people to know what special gift or talent we bring to the table. We want to be acknowledged for how we stand out. Although knowing the special strengths, gifts and talents that a person contributes is important later on, the foundation of the group must first be built on similarities. Focusing on differences even if they are strengths stresses the division more than the possibility of working together.

Therefore, relationships should first focus on similarities before you explore differences. Leaders need to create the space so that people who work together can—and are encouraged to—take the time to really see and learn from each other. The more you know someone as a human with needs, dreams and concerns, the more likely you are to care about the quality of your connection with them when you work together.

BRAIN TIP: We listen for similarities by sharing stories that reveal our wishes, needs, disappointments, hopes and dreams. When we first listen for how we are similar, we connect on points in common. This connection breeds collaboration.

I was writing a chapter for my book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction on a plane to Dallas, Texas, while sitting next to a thirty-something woman who was traveling with her five young children dispersed in the three rows around me. In a rare moment when she wasn’t yelling at her children, she looked over my shoulder and asked me what I was writing. I reluctantly told her, assuming she was not my target audience. Shame on me for making this assumption. She launched into a diatribe about the struggles she is having with the business she owns and how no adult seems to understand her even though she knows the risks she takes are right. She said, “Oh, I’m a Wander Woman all right. And so is my sister. Do you really think this is a sort of tribe, or is it a sign of the future for women where we finally get to express who we are?”

When I heard her story, I saw myself. When we listen to each other’s stories, we often see the similarities in our experiences, our struggles and our desires.

When I coach teams, I often ask each person to describe their perfect day one year from now, from the time they wake up until the time they go to sleep. When they share their dreams for both work and their home lives, the members are always amazed at how similar they are. A special rapport develops which helps them come together when they shift to tackling their work problems and actions.

In addition to connecting through our dreams, we also connect through our shared struggles. When your partner(s) is describing a problem, ask:

  1. What is most important to you that you hope will happen or you worry will not happen?
  2. What led you to make a specific decision or what factors are you considering that are making it hard for you to make this decision?
  3. Why do you think this problem exists at this time, really?

Often, when we hear someone describe the story behind an issue we feel, “I am not alone, I am not crazy after all, other people have the same issues and fears as I do.” This familiarity brings us together.Knowing we are similar can give us the courage to move on. In the least, knowing we are going through similar pain can help us feel human and heal. When we connect through familiarity, we open the space to ask each other, “So what’s next?” Instead of feeling as if we are alone, we feel we are in the fight together, making it easier to explore what is in our control and what is possible for our future.

Brain Tip reader Elizabeth Conty reminded me that children are experts at instantly seeing similarities even when differences are obvious. As long as they sense that the other child is safe, their curiosity to learn something about the other child kicks in. Then once similarities emerge, the fun begins.

It’s time to bring the curiosity of children into our relationships. Wonder what brings each person into your life in this moment in time. What dreams are they holding? What are they worrying about that will stand in the way of their dreams? If we know each other’s stories, we can connect. From here, our work together will be amazing.

Next Up—How to Honor Differences without Losing our Connection. Can’t wait? Contact me to talk about how your organization can build collaboration today.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Organizational Culture, Team Building

Stop Praising the Differences in Men and Women

September 5, 2010 By

For years, I have been writing about the differences in the brains of men and women. I have touted the innate strengths women bring to the workplace. I have supported communication skills training that teach us to adapt to gender-based styles.

The men in my life are indirectly teaching me that I may be wrong. Additionally, new research supports the perspective that sex differences in the brain are small. Societal assumptions work to magnify them.

If we are biologically different, then strengths should be recognized. However, if our differences are socially learned, then we might be ignoring an evolution of behavioral traits that is occurring in both men and women that is bringing us closer together.

After 15 years of studying brain-based behavioral research, I am beginning to see that many of our differences are learned. Whatever traits, habits, skills and perspective that can be learned by one gender, can definitely be learned, or unlearned and never learned, by the other. I believe the younger generations are proving this to be true.

I was talking to a client of mine in her early thirties about an article on women “dating down,” meaning the men had less education and earning power than the women. She said, “That thinking is so eighties.” She went on to explain that she and her female friends aren’t looking at potential mates for those factors. They are looking for men to be good life partners, meaning they would share homemaking responsibilities, seek to have a good time together and support each others growth.

“Times are changing,” she said. “Shouldn’t we allow our stereotypes of men and women to change too?”

I used to teach that women changed the subject more frequently when speaking, eventually circling around to the original point they were making. The man I live with does this far more than I do. I used to teach that women were more into collaboration than commandeering. The male coaches I work with have demonstrated collaboration and sensitivity as much if not sometimes more than the women. I used to teach that women multitask better while men focused more concisely. These days, we all multitask, for better or worse, and many women can hone in on a subject with intensity.

I do stand for women being recognized for all the gifts they bring to the table.

I do stand for women being publicly honored when they demonstrate good leadership so younger women can create tangible models for their own development.

I do stand for women being seen as full contributors and excellent leaders. I stand for these women to be mothers as well if they choose to and to have the freedom to accomplish their goals in the manner that best suits their lifestyles.

I do stand for women having equal opportunities for development as men and as many chances to be successful in their business endeavors as men.

I do stand for whatever it takes to breakdown the entrenched masculine cultures in business and politics that keep women from realizing their potential and their dreams.

I stand for these things because women are valuable, not because we are better.

I want these things for men too if they also stand for women to have the same opportunities as they have. If not, I stand against men — and women — who choose to stifle the growth and development of women around the world.

I don’t believe it’s time for women to take over the world. I believe it’s time that men and women support each other as full partners in economic success, world peace and cultural progress.

I think we should:

  • Stop arguing about which gender does certain tasks better.
  • Stop negatively labeling each other when a man shows sensitivity or a woman is firm and ambitious.
  • Start acknowledging the strengths individuals bring to the table, and recognize that most desirable behaviors can be learned if there is a willingness to try and a discipline to practice.
  • Start pairing men with women in leadership capacities so we can learn to honor the richness we both, as humans, offer each other, our companies, and the world. Lets model what working together looks like, demonstrating we know how to blend and collaborate as leaders.

Yes, I believe more women should be leaders in companies, in their communities and in politics. Not because they are women, but because there are remarkable women that can do amazing work just as there are remarkable men as well.

If we promote women only because there should be more women in leadership, then we accept some women who abuse power, suppress progress, and stand for themselves more than they stand for the advancement of women.

I believe that as women become more economically self-sufficient, more educated and more business-savvy, they will naturally rise in power. Companies will be smart to do whatever they can to retain their top talent women. Countries will develop faster if they support women starting their own businesses. Society will be healthier and more stable as women come into their own.

It is the good for all that we support the rise of women in the world. It is the good for all that we do this as equal partners with men. Let’s quit praising our differences and start honoring how the best of us, both men and women, can be powerful together in a more collaborative society.

P.S. Check out the interview Katie Couric did with Gloria Steinem and Jehmue Greene on today’s feminism and workplace issues. They too want to stop the “either/or” and “win/lose” conversations of competition and promote men and women coming together. Steinem said she is disappointed that we lack “…the imagination of cooperation, equality and community.” It is time to move on to come together.

Marcia Reynolds is an executive coach and delivers leadership programs around the world. Read the reviews for her latest book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Organizational Culture, Women in Leadership

Are Diversity Programs Healthy? I Found A Better Way to Connect

August 29, 2010 By

I led a breakout session at a European coaching conference in Belgium in 2006 called, “Emotional Intelligence and Cultural Diversity.” After explaining how the brain quickly assesses and reacts to people, I broke the audience into groups to discover what stereotypes people typically hold about countries and cultures that weren’t really true.

I made a deadly cultural error.

I tried to lump together countries by regions so there weren’t any people left out of a group in the room. There were a lot of people from the United States and western European countries. I tried to even out the groups by assembling people into regional areas, or at least countries somewhat close to each other.

The Canadian refused to be clumped with the Americans and acted insulted when I suggested he join those from the U.K. The Ukrainian did not want to be with the Russians not even for a ten minute exercise. Those from Latin American countries said they would rather work by themselves, even in groups of one.

When we focus on our differences, we cannot come together.

In the end, people from countries close to each other named similar negative stereotypes that others held about them. Had they put aside their emotional reactions to being seen as one, they would have found this out.

Even when we focus on strengths by culture, gender or age, we are promoting stereotypes and separation. When we say one group does something better than another, we stress the division more than the possibility of working together.

I do stand for recognizing the strengths, gifts and talents of the person or group that I am in relationship with in the moment. I believe this is one of the great powers of using a coaching perspective. We are trained to see the positive attributes–the brilliance–in people, even more than they might acknowledge and claim for themselves…yet. By seeing the best of an individual in the moment, we see both their contribution and their potential for growth.

My suggestion is to take the time to really see and learn from the person you are talking to. If we instead define people by a gender, age or culture, we see them in a frame of reference that is hard to change and often out-of-date in our evolving world.

Therefore, I question the value of Diversity programs that teach the strengths or limitations of one group over another, as if a gender, age or culture had superior attributes the world must come to recognize. I cringe when I see classes on “Gen X, Y, Z” and even ones that promote the idea that women make better leaders than men. Even more appalling, I’ve found some developmental programs that try to make the minorities more like the majority…how crazy is that? Shouldn’t we be teaching how to connect and value each other in the moment?

The first time I taught in Taiwan, a man reprimanded me for not reading up on the culture before I went. I told him I had learned a few things but planned on being curious, listening and learning when I got there. He proceeded to tell me what I needed to know as a woman and a teacher in Asia. Of course, he was dead wrong. I was valued as a senior manager regardless of being a woman. The people in my class were very participative and responsive without much prodding. They taught me how to be with them. I was open to learn. It turned out the man with the advice had only been to Japan and had no idea what I would experience in Taiwan.

Instead of Diversity programs, what if companies had Group Inclusions Programs where first we discover our similarities and create a context of connection before identifying what strengths each person can contribute to the team or community? We might find new ways of being together without using our gender, age or culture as an excuse for keeping the lines drawn in the sand.

The quality of our relationships equates to “social capital.” Just as you own a computer or college degree, your relationships add value to all your social constructs. Your business depends on your personal networks; your company’s productivity and innovation is dependent on robust relationships; communities need supportive relationships to thrive. Social capital is as necessary as financial capital.

To build social capital, we need to listen at three levels:

  1. Listen for similarities
  2. Listen for strengths in the context of our similarities
  3. Listen for a sense of purpose

I will focus on each of these listening perspectives in following newsletters plus give you tips for hearing from these vantage points. Here I’ll summarize how each adds to your social capital.

We listen for similarities by sharing stories that reveal our wishes, needs, disappointments, hopes and dreams. When we first listen for how we are similar, we build connection.

In the context of similarities and connection, we can then listen for the strengths, gifts, talents, skills, and attitudes a person can contribute. There are a number of tools that can be used to help people to claim and articulate what they bring to the table. When we acknowledge our differences as contributions to a group or project, we accept them as gifts that add to the group instead of aspects that separate.

Finally, we listen for purpose. When we align passionate energy with what everyone is trying to achieve, the force creates magic beyond expectation. Sense of purpose stirs action and creativity. Teams, organizations and cultures require people to band together in communal involvement and spirit to survive and thrive. Our collective survival depends on our need to feel that we belong and can contribute to what ties us together. When we listen for what inspires people’s passion and then align these energies into a common goal, we create social capital strong enough to build empires.

Meg Wheatley said, “We can change the world when we start listening to one another again.” When we bring people together focusing first on similarities instead of on differences, then listen for everyone’s unique contributions to the group and goal, and finally listen for what stirs each person’s sense of purpose and passion, we are fostering inclusion of the highest order.

Next Up—How to Coach People to Acknowledge Similarities. Can’t wait? Contact me to talk about how your organization can create passionate inclusion today.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Organizational Culture, Team Building

How to Make Your Life Story a Blockbuster

May 8, 2010 By

Stories have been a part of our lives since humans drew pictures on cave walls. We use stories to teach, to enlighten, to pass on culture, and to lull our children to sleep. At work, telling stories of what went well in the past to help us determine what we should do with the problems we are facing today is an organizational development tool called Appreciative Inquiry.

What about the story you are living right now? Even if you a planning a story you want to live in the future, are you conscious of the character and scenes that you are creating every day?

I was thinking about my own story as I read Donald Miller’s book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.His writing is not only funny and powerful, but, page by page, the book takes you deeper into the examination of what is motivating your own choices each day of your life. When Miller was asked to help turn his memoir into a movie, he learned what makes a movie meaningful and memorable. This realization launched him to take his current life, which had become stale, and write risk, uncertainty, loss, meaning, connection and love into his real-life pages.

The book left me eager to create new stories of my own. The day after I read most of the book, I began teaching a week-long leadership class. That morning, I asked myself what story I wanted to create that week. Then when I began the class, I asked the participants the same question. I told them the week was going to be a journey where they would overcome obstacles, take on new challenges and begin to see their role as leader in a new way. Throughout the week I took pictures of them as they completed their exercises. I created a short video program of the pictures with music using Animoto.com. We enjoyed the story at the end of the week together, and they have it to remind them of their experience forever. Truly, it was one of the most amazing classes I have led in my nearly thirty years of training. I have a fabulous story to tell.

Noah Blumenthal in his book, Be the Hero, asks this question of all leaders. He believes that everyone, even in the most difficult times, can change their stories to act with a hero’s resolve. He shares how to do this first with a wonderful parable anyone can relate to. Then, although the lessons of the parable are evident, he helps the reader translate the lessons to their own lives with specific tools and exercises. Be the Hero asks you to define your story by living up to the hero in you. The book is also a great gift you can give to your work team and friends.

Take a moment to ask yourself about the story you are living right now. Is this the best story for you? For your work team? For your family? Here are some tips I gleaned from both Miller and Blumenthal’s books:

Brain Tip #1. The point of the story you are living now is what you are experiencing, realizing and learning, not what things you are accumulating or working for to create a better future.

Brain Tip #2. Create a new story by asking yourself, “What is in me that wants to be free? What am I longing to experience? What doesn’t want to play by the rules? What would I do “if only…?” Can you share your life with the voice that is answering these questions? Don’t just choose a story that is comfortable or familiar if you aren’t passionately happy about telling this story to others.

Brain Tip #3. Twists and turns will happen in your story. The unexpected situations make your story interesting. Can you choose to see these occurrences as possibilities of creating a good story instead of as problems to avoid or quickly fix? Remember, it’s not how you end your stories that counts, but what you become on the way to the end. The good news is that one good story leads to another.

Brain Tip #4. The easy story is boring. Tension helps you discover what you stand for. Conflict, if you take it on, moves your life forward. “You can either get bitter or better,” says Miller. If you take ownership of the story you are living, you choose to lose or learn from all of your experiences.

Brain Tip #5. You aren’t living your story in isolation. What part of the grander story both at work and in your life do you want to play?

Brain Tip #6. Miller says, “A good storyteller doesn’t just tell a better story, though. He invites other people into the story with him, giving them a better story too.” How about trying this out at work?

If you consciously choose the story you are living today, you will enjoy repeating your stories over and over. One good story leads to another.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Leadership, Organizational Culture, Self-Awareness
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