Overcoming Fake Talk: How to Have REAL Conversations

How many conversations do you have that seem to go well but nothing happens as a result? How many other conversations do you have that don’t go well because no one wants to mention the truth about the situation fearing negative feedback and emotional retaliation? John R. Stoker, president of DialogueWORKS Inc. has written a new book to help people deal with these frustrating conversations. The book is called, Overcoming Fake Talk: How to Hold REAL Conversations that Create Respect, Build Relationships, and Get Results.

The worst situation is when you think you had a normal conversation but end up mystified when performance remains the same, accountability never improves, problems aren’t solved, customers aren’t satisfied, and challenges go unaddressed. You think you share your message, but obviously something about the conversation didn’t work.

It’s true that people easily misinterpret what they hear due to a lot of filters based on past experiences. As a normal human, you just as easily beat around the bush so people don’t really know what you want. So they shake their heads and move on, letting the conversation drift out of their memory as they face other important tasks.

You may not mean to engage in fake talk, but your emotions may sabotage your desire to be real.

Hold REAL Conversations

REAL is an acronym for four skills useful for all conversations.

Recognize and suspend judgments

Express thoughts, feelings, experience, or opinions without creating resistance

Ask questions to understand

Listen and attend to messages that others express verbally and non-verbally.

REAL conversations focus on establishing a respectful relationship while speaking. The intent is to ensure that you listen and respond while speaking so that others feel understood, valued and respected. Even if someone disagrees with you, they don’t feel as if you made them wrong or that you devalued their ideas. They feel acknowledged even if they have to change their behavior.

To assess the quality of your conversations, answer four questions:

  • Am I getting the results I want after one conversation?
  • Do people feel good about our relationship during and after our conversations?
  • Can I honestly say that I treat others as I would want them to treat me no matter who they are or what they do?
  • Can I be wrong? Are there times when this isn’t possible?

The last item is the most significant when judging the quality of your conversations. The greatest opportunities for holding REAL Conversations come when no one agrees with your view and you don’t get what you want. If you aren’t open to REAL conversations all the time, you put results, respect and relationships in jeopardy.

To achieve the results that you seek, stop engaging in fake talk; instead, hold REAL conversations. Engage in conversations that express what you truly think, feel, or want—and listen and accept what others truly think, feel and want as equal in value to your own input. Together, you can find a way to make and meet real expectations.

Do You Know Too Much?

Wouldn’t it be great to feel confident about your choices…to know the answers under pressure, to rightly respond to adversity, to choose the better path when the road splits in two?

Be careful what you wish for.

You might aspire to be like leaders who are boldly decisive. Be wary. They are dangerous.

You might have spent thousands of dollars on books, seminars and motivational speakers hoping to better control your mind. This is delusional. You can know your brain and work with it, but you can’t control it.

As a human, your brain cannot see all possibilities. Your experience is deficient, your intuition is fallible, and your intelligence is victim to your unreliable emotions and instincts. Having a sense of confidence in who you are is good for yourself and others around you. Feeling absolute confidence in what you know is risky.

The good news is that the more you feel confident saying, “I don’t know, let’s talk about it,” the more clarity you will gain.

Yes, taking the time to talk about a problem may not work in emergency situations. Yet when faced with daily decisions, the more you practice looking at all the elements that could be affecting your thought processes, the more natural and faster this analysis will become. But you can’t start this practice on your own.

Your best decisions will be made in conversation.

No matter how smart you are, thinking through a complex issue can rarely be done well in isolated analysis. For the same reason you can’t tickle yourself, you can’t fully explore your own thoughts. Your brain will block and desensitize you to self-imposed exploration. When someone else adeptly challenges your reasoning and dares to ask you a question that penetrates your protective frames, your consciousness can go to new depths. You might get defensive. If you are self-confident, you will pause as your brain synthesizes the new insight, and then you are likely to laugh at seeing what you should have known all along.

In other words, you need others to initiate the interaction that reveals your blind spots. The brain needs to be surprised. The greater the surprise you feel when you discover what elements are affecting your decision or hesitation, the more likely you will have a breakthrough in perception. This surprise is the “Aha” moment.”

A blind spot is something you didn’t know you knew at the time, or possibly, “you didn’t know you didn’t know because you thought you knew what you needed to know already.” Your brain doesn’t want to work that hard. You are functioning quite well with a high degree of ignorance and obliviousness right now. So why take the time to look beyond the sheath?

Blind spots hurt you when you don’t consider their existence when making an important decision or taking an action that will impact others. You instinctively know this because after you make a mistake, you admit you should have known better. Or you blame something else.

You might experience a breakthrough in your thinking when you read surprising results of studies or have an emotional reaction to a story. Yet the most long lasting changes in your thinking occur when you allow others to help you explore your thought processes and you trust them enough to feel uncomfortable with their questions. 

Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman explains in his book, Thinking Fast and Slow, that the faults in our decision making are a result of “…our excessive confidence in what we believe we know, and our apparent inability to acknowledge the full extent of our ignorance and the uncertainty of the world we live in.” The irony is that this desire to feel more confident in what you know only strengthens the frames around your awareness, making it harder to listen to others and accept new ideas. To uncover your blind spots, you have to have the courage to feel vacant and vulnerable. Before a breakthrough happens, you will feel uncomfortable. This discomfort is a sign you are ready to learn.

As Malcolm Gladwell said in Blink, “We need to accept our ignorance and say ‘I don’t know’ more often.”

Do you have a friend you respect and trust enough to allow him or her to question your judgment? Do you know someone who will be honest and straight with you? If not, you need to find someone. In the meantime, hire a qualified coach. This deep, enlightening and gratifying conversation is coaching at its best.

Then commit to being this open and honest with others. If you are a leader looking to empower and develop others, spend more time asking questions than giving advice. A good question can help others make the right decisions for the right reasons without you telling them what to do.

For more ways to Outsmart You Brain, check out the other blog posts on the website.

The #1 Rule for Effective Leadership (at Home and at Work)

Beyond the Golden and Platinum Rules, in our crazy busy world the one rule everyone should follow daily above all is, “Don’t be a jerk.”

When I am frustrated, under pressure or running late, I masterfully rationalize my “jerky” behavior. I act as if my needs are more important than anyone else and I am the only one who is aware of what is going on around me.

I forget that on other occasions, I too act without being aware of my surroundings, rudely cutting in front of people and forgetting to do something I promised. Yet I don’t forgive others for their lapses.

And then there are those times when I think I am right and someone else is a jerk, which then sparks my inner jerk. Most conflicts can be tracked back to the perception that one person acted entitled so the other had to teach them a lesson or settle the score.

I am not going to ask you if you relate to what I’m saying. If you say you don’t, then you are either not human or you are delusional. Often, your inner jerk is triggered in your brain as a means of defense. Or you are so stressed out that you have used up your reserve of adrenalin and are running on cortisol, making your anger “trigger happy.” There are stressed out, crabby people running around everywhere we turn.

Unfortunately, I have met many leaders who would not acknowledge their jerky behavior, claiming their actions were necessary to get results.

The truth is, if you want happy and engaged employees and good relationships outside of work, you need to catch when you are being a jerk. Once you catch yourself, here are some practices to follow if you would like to live up to the #1 Rule:

Don’t yell, snap, bark, or back someone down with your eyes. If you start this, stop. Take a breath and shift your emotions before you open your mouth again. If you can’t find some patience, compassion or a human fallibility to laugh at, go outside for a breath of fresh air or call a friend to vent.

Don’t belittle “the help.” Don’t act as if you are somebody and the clerks, assistants, employees, and other people who walk into your path are nobody special. You won’t get what you need in the long run.

Don’t act as if you are doing anyone a favor. I remember a former boss wondering why the employees weren’t happy after receiving a bonus. The culture was toxic. Money can’t fix that. The true gift you give to others is acknowledging how valuable they are and showing gratitude for the specific things they do, no matter who you are on the food chain. Innovation consultant Deb Mills-Scofield says many leaders treat their employees as employees — nicely and kindly, even generously — but not as humans. “My manager-mentors made it clear that I mattered not just for what I could do,” Mills-Scofield said, “but also for who I was.” It wasn’t about the generous benefits but that her boss insisted she take time off to relax, genuinely showing he cared. He trusted her too. Show that you know we are all on this life boat together.

Look them in the eyes and see the human inside. Remember, the person you are angry at is doing the best he or she can to survive too. You don’t have any idea what their struggles are. Stop and REALLY look at the person you are mad at. A true human connection is both humbling and uplifting.

Smile at the next jerk you see. Demonstrate that you have big light inside you. You just might be adding to world peace as well as your own.

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For more tips on how to outsmart your quick-to-react brain, check out the archived Brain Tips at http://outsmartyourbrain.com/brain-tips-archive/

7 Lies Leaders Love to Tell

The excuses leaders give for doing the wrong thing rarely change. The ingredients for good leadership shift over time, but in my 30 years of teaching leadership, I’ve found the reasons leaders give for not taking these actions or developing new leadership skills such as coaching stay the same.

To reach your highest potential as a leader, be careful of telling the following seven lies:

  1. My employees don’t want me to ask questions. They just want me to give them answers so they can get back to work. This is a lie of convenience. If you think coaching people to work on their own takes up too much time, you will tell this lie. Try believing that the time you take to help people think for themselves will help you save time in the long run. You might see that they enjoy learning more than being dependent on you.
  2. If they need something from me or don’t understand something, they will ask. Even if people compliment you for being approachable, you still hold a title of authority. People might not feel comfortable letting you know they aren’t smart enough to figure something out. They might have a history of other bosses belittling them for not knowing everything. Your employees will appreciate you asking, “What can I do to help you? Is there any support you need?” Then share stories about what you learned from your mistakes so they know it’s okay to be imperfect.
  3. No one is complaining so everything is fine. You may be a good leader but you aren’t perfect. Leaders who don’t spend time sitting with their people at lunch or for coffee and asking questions about how things are going are out of touch with the struggles their people face. Be sincere when you ask what is going on. If you feel they are holding back, ask a third party to hold a focus group or regularly survey the level of engagement to discover what is adding or detracting from giving their best work. When you keep your fingers on the pulse of your team, you will know what you need to do to maintain motivation.
  4. If a good person does something bad, it won’t happen again. They will self-correct. This is the most common rationalization for avoiding giving negative feedback. Whether you worry that people won’t like you or they will react adversely and you won’t know what to do, you need to let people know when their actions have had or will have a harmful outcome. The sooner you share this information, the better. Use the AID model where you describe the Action they took, define the Impact the action had on others and the result, and concisely suggest the Desired action they should take in the future to get a more positive impact and outcome. Be clear about the Impact. That part of the formula will be most meaningful in the interaction.
  5. If I praise my employees, they expect more money or a promotion. Unfortunately, many people are uncomfortable accepting praise. Therefore, they often refrain from giving other people compliments. Giving people positive feedback makes them feel good. Also, they repeat behavior that is acknowledged. Use the AID model outlined above to give positive feedback so people know the impact of their good work. Unless you promised more money or a promotion for their good work, they may want the reward but they won’t expect it. However, they will expect you to recognize them again when they work hard.
  6. The best employees want to be left alone to do their work. Yes, you have problems to solve. But high-achievers want positive feedback too. They want recognition for their good work. They want to know you appreciate their effort and how their contribution is significant. Don’t risk losing your best people because you are too focused on solving problems.
  7. Once most women have children, they don’t want to travel or rise too high on the corporate ladder. This is the greatest lie that leads to top-talent women leaving their jobs. These days, women often have support in raising their children and have found new ways to include their children in their work-life. Ask before you make assumptions about anyone.

Quit believing and telling these lies. Not only will people call you a leader, you will probably find being a leader is easier.

And if you aren’t a leader, please share this with the leaders you know, coach and teach.

What You Gain with a Future-Focused Brain

Do you want to keep growing, keeping your life meaningful, interesting and fun? Is part of your job as a leader or coach to help others see their careers flow instead of stagnate? If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, you need set your brain to focus on the future.

Knowing where life is going takes more than an annual review or composing a list of New Year’s resolutions. Keeping your eye on the path should be done in frequent short conversations about what is changing and what is possible.

According to Beverly Kaye and Judy Winkle Giulioni, authors of the new book, Help Them Grow or Watch Them Go, there are three types of conversations you can have to prompt, guide, reflect, explore, activate enthusiasm and drive action focused on development.

  1. Hindsight conversations where you look backward and inward to determine what most energizes and inspires good work.
  2. Foresight conversations looking forward and outward toward changes, trends and the ever-evolving big picture.
  3. Insight conversations where hindsight and foresight converge, shining a light on the best possibilities in the future based on who you are, what you love, and what you do well.

The three conversations are essential because we often make decisions out of fear or frustration instead of by mapping a way forward. Too often, we look at what is popular today without considering 1) who we are at our best and what we most love to do and 2) what will stand out as being more important tomorrow than today.

The conversations can be used for self-discovery as well as to develop others. In today’s world, retention, engagement and productivity depend on people feeling their careers are in flow. These small and regular conversations will decrease the gossip, worrying and complaining that occurs when people aren’t sure about where they are going.

Even in self-discovery, it is good to have a “thinking partner” to have these conversations with. A coach, colleague or friend who wants the best for you can help you stand back and answer questions focused on your future that will continually challenge and satisfy you.

Kaye and Giulioni say the frequency of the conversations is important. “When you reframe career development in terms of ongoing conversations rather than procedural checkpoints or scheduled activities, suddenly you have more flexibility and the chance to develop careers organically, when and where authentic opportunities arise.”

In Help the Grow or Watch them Go, the authors provide powerful questions for each of the conversations, provoking reflection, insight, constructive discomfort, and ultimately, action. All it takes to use their questions is having a genuine curiosity. “Curiosity might be the most under-the-radar and undervalued leadership competency in business today,” say Kay and Giulioni. Yet cultivating a true sense of wonder can ignite your own enthusiasm as well as the energy of others.

Constant questioning can stimulate creative tension as it brings up uncertainty about the future. Yet when it comes to our lives, few people live peacefully in a comfort zone. You are either moving forward or feeling stuck and a failure. As a coach, I have experienced many times how a period of contemplation following a thoughtful and powerful question eventually sparks answers and fuels a sense of forward motion.

Consider these questions:

1. Looking at your past, what has disappeared from your ambition and desires? If you allow these to go, what opens up for you instead?

2. When someone you know introduces you to a stranger, how do they describe who you are and how you stand out? How can you apply these traits and expertise even more powerfully in the future?

3. What do most people around you complain about not being able to do? Is there a way you can help them get what they need?

4. When you look at what is possible for you in the future, what would you most regret not trying?

Keep a notebook to jot down moments where you feel truly joyful and inspired. These are clues you can use when calculating your future.

Notice when others experience these moments. Take the opportunity to ask them how they can design their future to repeat these experiences.

Weave these questions and ideas into your thoughts and conversations. Hope is both a wonderful emotion to feel and a great gift to give to others.

Do You Have the Courage to Sabotage Your Success?

Which route to success is better for you?  1) exceeding goals and expectations or 2) challenging your goals and expectations to create something better.

The first option can lead to satisfaction, money, rewards, and recognition, even fame, for a while. The second option is harder and may lead  nowhere. Even those who choose the road less traveled often burn out and fall back onto the safer path. So why take it?

If you stay on the first path, success grows more vulnerable over time and becomes demotivating.

Organizationally, the process of cascading goals from the top frequently hurts innovation and efficiency. In privately held and non-profit organizations, there is often a charismatic leader, family head, or controlling director that runs the show, crushing dissent blatantly or subtly. Or the leader picks an impenetrable executive team.

In publicly held companies, leaders bow to the faceless power of shareholders, demanding people meet short term gains over the imagination, experimentation, and adaptability required for longevity. They may give lip-service to creativity, but most corporations are still top-down instead of community-ruled.

Even if you or your organization starts with an openness to all ideas, once a level of success is achieved, ears shut down. Some leaders boast their support of collaboration without seeing this as another form of generating hand-clasping over conflict.

Neuroscientist Dr. Robert Sapolsky has explored why successful people shut down to new ideas. He says when you look at highly accomplished people you find a level of eminence, at least in their own little world. So why should they do anything new? “It’s really difficult to recognize that something is going wrong and needs to be changed,” Sapolsky says. “…it’s 1000 times harder to recognize that something’s right but nevertheless, it’s time to make a change.”

When problems surface, most leaders just ask people to work faster or harder instead of seeking a different approach. I am sure this attitude plays into why the US has dropped to 10th place in the 2012 Global Innovation Index by Insead.

Some leaders act as if they are trying out new ideas when all they are doing is trying something out that worked for them years ago. This isn’t change; it’s regurgitation.

And then if you are given the rare chance to try something new and you make a mistake, the sharks eat you alive.

Some smart employees give up trying. Others take their ideas to competitors or start their own businesses. Unfortunately, once they win the revolution, they fall into the same trap of protecting their positions and making all decisions instead of opening channels to the new ideas of others.

From a neurological perspective, Sapolsky says the brain rules over innovation. People want to recreate what made them feel good and they silence threats to their credibility, control and admiration.

Margaret Heffernan explored this phenomenon in her brilliant Ted talk, Dare to Disagree. She says that our brain drives us to be with people mostly like ourselves. This makes life easier. Organizations strive to hire the best people and then fail to get the best out of them.

So what can you do personally and organizationally to challenge current thinking?

1. Seek creative confrontation. Heffernan suggests mustering the courage to work with people who seek to prove you wrong. Once you fill in the holes they discover, you will know you are right.” It’s a fantastic model of collaboration—thinking partners who aren’t echo chambers.”

Organizationally, build creative confrontation into team charters. Make sure ideas are questioned, not people. Ensure the challenges are intended to improve on ideas, not tear them down. Allow people to try out new ideas after they listen to challenges, bringing their improved suggestions to the table instead of giving up.

2. Practice emotional intelligence. Learn to recognize when you resist new ideas. This requires patience and present-moment awareness, two things busy people lack. You have to be willing to change your mind. Most people agree this is a sign of a real leader yet few leaders practice these skills.

3. Reward courageous thinking. Praise people who question the way things are done. Make “a passionate commitment to ongoing excellence” a requirement of leadership instead of “managing up to make the current leaders look good.”

Sapolsky says that leaders (and families) should provide a “benevolent setting” where failures are an acceptable part of the learning process and people are not punitively blamed for mistakes. Don’t insist on doing it right all the time. Sapolsky says, “You can encourage craziness 50% of the time because all we need is the other 50% to be phenomenal.”

When people can actively explore new possibilities, they work with inspiration and excitement.

4. Seek champions and partners instead of going it alone. One voice can easily be drowned out by a crowd of people trying to appease their leaders. Find one influential person who believes in and will champion your ideas to others. Then enroll others who will help you get the data you need to prove your ideas are right.

5. Travel! Seek people with different backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives. See the world through their eyes. Don’t rely on the Internet. In another TED talk, Eli Pariser explains that search engines keep us in a filter bubble, only linking us to what matches our personal tastes instead of to information that could challenge or broaden our worldview.

Long term success requires we cultivate the habit of being curious and accepting of other’s opinions and ideas. Do you have the courage to go beyond your own success?

Please share you comments and this post. We need to keep the conversation going and support each others great ideas!

Presence: How to Choose the Impact You Have on Others

Ask yourself, “What effect do you have on people when you enter a room?”

Now ask yourself, “What happens when you leave the room?”

Just as an observer alters behavior by the fact that the behavior is being observed, whenever you enter or leave a room, your presence affects the thoughts and behaviors of those in the room. Even if no one seemed to notice, their brains selected to ignore you, minimizing your impact.

However, if you are a leader or a contributor to the group, you need to determine the impact you want to have. The presence you project is more important than the words you carefully rehearse.

3 Realms of Presence
There are three realms you need to consider to regulate your presence:  1) Mindfulness, 2) Intent and 3) Emotional Tone.

Mindfulness
is bringing yourself into the present moment.

Intent
is what you expect and want to happen.

Emotional Tone
is a based on what you are feeling. Your emotional energy affects how people will interpret and accept what you have to say.

1. Mindfulness happens when you observe your body, your emotions and your thoughts. The more you are skilled at mindfulness, the more you will be able to monitor and adjust even as you interact with others.

Exercise: Take a deep breath in and slowly release it. Feel your feet on the ground. Become aware of the ground beneath you.  Gradually move your awareness up your body. When you notice a point of tension, release it so your body relaxes. Work your way up your legs, your torso, your arms, your shoulders, your neck, and your face. How does your body feel? Make yourself as comfortable as you can while staying alert.

Next, determine what emotions you are feeling separate from your thoughts. Are you angry, anxious, cautious, distrustful, resentful, frustrated or impatient? If so, try to calm your emotions by breathing and clearing your mind.

Now, notice your thoughts. Has your mind drifted to work or people concerns? Are you judging the value of this moment? Clear your mind by putting your awareness back on your body.

Keep your mind focused on your body as you start to become aware of the room. See if you can notice the room and people around you without judging and thinking.

With practice, you should be able to ground yourself and become aware of your body, emotions, thoughts and surroundings in a matter of seconds.

2. Intent is being clear on what your purpose is in any interaction and what you expect to happen as a result.

When was the last time you interrupted someone? What was your intent, really? Had you been listening to understand their point of view or listening for the chance to respond? Was your intent to engage the person or to have them accept your point of view? What did you want them to do as a result?

When was the last time you presented to a group? What was your primary intent? Secondary intent?

The Buddhist teacher Pema Chedron said, “Patience means allowing things to unfold at their own speed rather than jumping in with your habitual response.” But sincere patience depends on your intent.

Ask yourself, “What do I expect to happen?” Will there be resistance? Will people be excited? Will they eagerly accept or reluctantly comply with your point of view?

Then, based on your expectation, ask yourself, “What do I want to happen?” Do you want people to be inspired or enthusiastic? Do you want them to accept your ideas without argument? Do you want to facilitate collaboration? Do you want to create a sense of win-win where everyone gains? Do you want to explore possible solutions? Do you want to discover the source of a problem? Do you want to create a plan of action?

Once you determine what you want to happen, determine who you want to be in the moment – an inspirer, expert, commander, detective, facilitator, advocate, explorer, or architect. Use this as a keyword to return to your intent if you find that you are not getting the result you want.

3. Emotional Tone
The emotions you feel set the energetic tone of your words and will impact how people will accept what you have to say.

If you are recognized as the “socially dominant” person in the room (a leader), you will set the emotional tone for everyone else. Therefore, your emotions will either bring the energy up or down.

Are you angry, anxious, cautious, distrustful, resentful, frustrated or impatient? If so, try to shift your emotions to feeling calm, hopeful, optimistic, proud, grateful, caring, respectful, curious or amused. What can you feel enthused about? What are you curious to discover? Can you see the humor in the moment? Do you care about the success of the project and the people in the room?

Choose how you want to feel. Practice mindfulness, clarify your intent, and then choose one “feeling word” to anchor the emotion you want to spread in the room.

When you are mindful of your body and thoughts, clear about your intent and deliberate about your emotions, you are in control of your presence. You impact people when you enter a room and when you leave it. If you practice mindfulness plus mental and emotional choice, you are in control of your presence.

If you need help releasing negative emotions, click here for a few techniques that should help.

What Story Do You Want To Live?

If I asked you to tell me about the story you are living right now, what would you tell me? Would your story engage me like five-star movie or lose me to a lackluster plot?

Even if the story you tell is leading to a better future, are you conscious of the characters and scenes that you are creating every day?

When I teach leadership classes, I ask participants to consider the Leadership Story they want to live. I tell them the class will be a journey where they will overcome obstacles, take on new challenges and begin to see their role as leader in a new way. By the end of class, they all have a new Leadership Story they wanted to live.

I got this idea after reading Donald Miller’s book,A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Miller wrote a memoir but it wasn’t until he was asked to turn his memoir into a movie that he was forced to focus in on what was most meaningful and memorable about his life. This realization launched him to take his current life, which had become stale, and write risk, uncertainty, loss, meaning, connection and love into the pages he was living.

What story you want to live? How does it play out this year? This decade?

Take a moment to ask yourself about the story you are living right now. Is this the best story for you? For your work team? For your family?

Next, start your new story by asking yourself, “What am I longing to experience? What doesn’t want to play by the rules? What would I do “if only…?”

When choosing your plot line, consider these questions. In the story you want to live, are you…

  1. Creating something that would affect many people’s lives or are you doing something that makes you feel the incredible depth of your knowledge, skill or art?
  2. Able to glimpse and share something important about the future giving people hope or direction or are you fixing something or improving something that wasn’t working before?
  3. Getting your sense of joy from helping other people or are you achieving great things that make you and your family feel proud?
  4. Giving people hope or laughter or are you working to create a life that has more time to let nature nourish your soul?

You might find your plot line by answering one of the questions or you might find your story in a hybrid of answers to two or three questions. There are no correct answers. It is your story.

The easy story is boring. Consider the ending, the plot that leads to the ending, the chapters you want to include, and the characters you want to be most active with including their motivations for being in your story. Consider the surprises you might have to deal with or you would embrace if they showed up. Twists and turns will happen in your story. The unexpected situations keep your story moving.

This means you will be changing your story on a regular basis if you want to keep it interesting. Tension helps you discover what you stand for. Conflict, if you take it on, moves your life forward. “You can either get bitter or better,” says Miller.

Remember, like most memorable movies, it’s not how you end your stories that counts, but what you become on the way to the end.

Write your story and then muster the courage to share it with others. Miller says, “A good storyteller doesn’t just tell a better story, though. He invites other people into the story with him, giving them a better story too.” How about trying this out at work?

If you consciously choose your leadership story and invite others to help the story unfold, you will all enjoy telling your stories over and over. One good story leads to another.

Business blog

Make Life Easier by Knowing Your Brand

You should never be told to quiet your voice, limit your creativity or suppress your spirit because, “The Company says you have to do it this way.” The company or corporation does not have a mouth. Yet the company was built on values and a brand. To be successful, there has to be a match between your personal brand and the one that represents the team, alliance or organization you work with.

First, let me clear up what a company or corporation is. Underneath this explanation are clues to why you will either flourish or fade under your frustration at work. This definition can be applied to how you work with any group of people, including teams, communities and families.

In spite of what some politicians would like you to believe, a corporation is not a person. It is a piece of paper. It’s a series of agreements made by people. It does not have a thinking brain and beating heart. Although we can use metaphors to make the corporation appear to be a living being, a corporation survives on money, not food and affection. And when a corporation dies, there is nothing to bury or burn but the original paper that created it.

However, any work you do with someone else, whether it’s a partnership, alliance, small business or multi-national corporation, is regulated by specific beliefs that the partners or founders—the people—infused into the agreement when it was conceived. This gives the company the sense that it is alive in the form of its values, culture and living brand.

In other words, the team, company or corporation does not have a face but it has a soul, mirroring what is important to the people who came together to create something they couldn’t do alone.

To succeed and even to stand out at work, what you stand for has to align with what the company stands for in the form of the values and the brand that it lives every day. In Built to Last, Jim Collins and Jerry Porras explains that these values guide behavior in daily life across all levels of the organization. Whereas a person’s work values may shift based on their position of leadership, company values and what the organization stands for—the brand—are stable over time.

The core values stay stable even if someone changes the posters and business cards. The values and brand are present in how meetings are run, how people feel when they are at work and what someone tells you when you ask them how they like their job.

Therefore, no matter how good your work is, your success depends on how well you align with the values and brand—the soul—of the company.

I have left companies where it was clear my brand did not align with theirs. If I would have known this before I started the work, I would have moved on in spite of the money offered. Now that I work for myself, I have to be conscious of this alignment when I chose to work with partners and clients. If there is no match, I can’t do my best work.

However, when I was a company employee, my greatest success came when I realized how my best contribution—creating a workplace that is both fun and inspiring for all—aligned with the company’s core values of innovation, experimentation and team spirit. There were other values that didn’t match up to mine very well such as the value for crushing the competition, but when I focused on the match, I was a star.

This process of discovering how you can align what you stand for to what the organization stands for at its core is defined in Suzanne Bates’ new book, Discover Your CEO Brand: Secrets to Embracing and Maximizing Your Unique Value as a Leader (McGraw Hill).

The book is not just for CEOs. It’s for anyone who wants to institute change in a company that benefits both the bottom line and the people who achieve this. It’s about discovering your own values, brand and leadership style, and then determining how this will align with what your organization stands for so you can harness the two to work in concert. Or you can discover when your path needs to start somewhere else where the alignment is clear.

Suzanne says, “The brand begins with the story of you—the experiences that defined you, the lessons you learned, and the ways those lessons shaped your values and beliefs. Once you understand the essence of your brand, you will be able to communicate it to the world. It will become a powerful force, creating positive results. You will be able to leverage that brand of yours to drive tremendous value into your company.”

Personal branding isn’t just about marketing. It’s about your happiness. Know your values and brand and then have the courage to only align with people where you can stand by your brand. If you do this, you will flourish. Otherwise, you will flounder under the conflict with your partners, leaders and your own heart.

The Best Kept Secret of Leadership: Do Less, Focus More

As you wade through the stress of a turbulent and uncertain world, do you find yourself demanding more from yourself and your employees? This often happens when your brain is trapped in protection mode. According to a blog post published by the Harvard Business Review, “...research has shown that the more executives have to do, the less their company earns.”

Add technology to the equation and stressed-out leaders and employees are spending more time at home checking emails as well as working on and thinking about work. According to a survey by Right Management, one out of three employees in North America said they often get emails they must reply to from their bosses during weekends.  “It’s now taken for granted that everyone has to check their work email during the weekend,” says Douglas J. Matthews, Right Management’s president.

As a result, our “work brain” never stops whirring. These intrusions cut out down time unless you go on a real vacation, something few Americans take these days.

Has all this extra work paid off? No. In fact, the never-ending work cycle is detrimental to productivity.

I was teaching a class for a group of managers who worked for a French bank in Moscow. One woman told me that she started her career working for an American bank. She had great aspirations of success. As her manager demanded more and more of her time, insisting she work harder and faster on so many “priorities” that she had to take work home, she found herself overwhelmed, exhausted, and always on the brink of tears. She knew her work suffered as well.

The story has a happy ending. She quit and went to work for a French bank. Her managers helped her discern top priorities from less-important tasks and encouraged her to maintain a healthy lifestyle. She followed the “do less and focus more” rule. She is not only happier, she is more productive. Her good work has earned her two promotions in three years. The French-based bank is currently more successful than the American bank she worked for.

Leaders who chase every opportunity and feel their teams must excel at every objective on their list are running resources too thin. Focus is then scattered, killing any chance that the leader and the organization will stand out as superior in one particular area which is critical to be a competitive success.

The question is, “What is your mission as a Leader?”

Are you supposed to focus on getting many results or getting an extraordinary result or two?

To get extraordinary results, you have to be aware of the impact your requests have both on yourself and on your employees. As my colleague, executive coach Val Williams says,

“When leaders follow this ‘more, better and faster’ strategy they’re often surprised that instead of achieving confidence in their success, they feel ore burned out and insecure. When you employ this strategy of ‘do more, faster’ over the long-term, then you actually become more reactive, less strategic and frankly, more replaceable.”

If instead you focus on your highest priorities and inspire others to do their best on the tasks that give them both good results and a feeling of pride, then you are giving everyone a chance to apply their best selves to their jobs. This includes making sure people have time to rest their bodies and brains so they can create and produce top quality work.

The more complex a situation, the more there is a chance to overload your cognitive resources. When you instead sleep on it, or distract yourself with something mindless, you give your unconscious a chance to sort through possible solutions which is more effective than consciously trying to sift through pros and cons.

TIP #1: Taking a nap or letting your mind wander gives your brain a chance to process complex decisions. Set an alarm for 20 or 30 minutes. Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Even if you don’t fall asleep, this relaxation will ensure you rest. If you can’t sit still, play a computer game or read a mindless magazine to keep from thinking about work. This enables your brain mind to relax and open up, leading to both higher concentration as well as productivity when you return your focus to your work.

TIP #2: Lindsey Paho, writing on behalf of Colorado Technical University suggests you determine your own sense of balance. What can you accomplish without feeling stressed and overwhelmed? What tips you over the edge? When you are aware of your own limits, you can design a schedule that keeps you sane.

TIP #3: Lindsey also suggests you get over yourself and ask for help when you need it. As a leader, you don’t have to be the superstar lone ranger. Modeling rationality for your employees is better than demonstrating stressed-out self-reliance.

Do you want your organization to win? Re-evaluate your mission. Are you pushing for expected results or are you creating the space for extraordinary results? The latter requires you do less with more focus.

In the end, you and your employees will have better ideas, make more sales, complete more projects, better answer critical emails and collaborate in a way that is needed for amazing results.