The #1 Rule for Effective Leadership (at Home and at Work)

Beyond the Golden and Platinum Rules, in our crazy busy world the one rule everyone should follow daily above all is, “Don’t be a jerk.”

When I am frustrated, under pressure or running late, I masterfully rationalize my “jerky” behavior. I act as if my needs are more important than anyone else and I am the only one who is aware of what is going on around me.

I forget that on other occasions, I too act without being aware of my surroundings, rudely cutting in front of people and forgetting to do something I promised. Yet I don’t forgive others for their lapses.

And then there are those times when I think I am right and someone else is a jerk, which then sparks my inner jerk. Most conflicts can be tracked back to the perception that one person acted entitled so the other had to teach them a lesson or settle the score.

I am not going to ask you if you relate to what I’m saying. If you say you don’t, then you are either not human or you are delusional. Often, your inner jerk is triggered in your brain as a means of defense. Or you are so stressed out that you have used up your reserve of adrenalin and are running on cortisol, making your anger “trigger happy.” There are stressed out, crabby people running around everywhere we turn.

Unfortunately, I have met many leaders who would not acknowledge their jerky behavior, claiming their actions were necessary to get results.

The truth is, if you want happy and engaged employees and good relationships outside of work, you need to catch when you are being a jerk. Once you catch yourself, here are some practices to follow if you would like to live up to the #1 Rule:

Don’t yell, snap, bark, or back someone down with your eyes. If you start this, stop. Take a breath and shift your emotions before you open your mouth again. If you can’t find some patience, compassion or a human fallibility to laugh at, go outside for a breath of fresh air or call a friend to vent.

Don’t belittle “the help.” Don’t act as if you are somebody and the clerks, assistants, employees, and other people who walk into your path are nobody special. You won’t get what you need in the long run.

Don’t act as if you are doing anyone a favor. I remember a former boss wondering why the employees weren’t happy after receiving a bonus. The culture was toxic. Money can’t fix that. The true gift you give to others is acknowledging how valuable they are and showing gratitude for the specific things they do, no matter who you are on the food chain. Innovation consultant Deb Mills-Scofield says many leaders treat their employees as employees — nicely and kindly, even generously — but not as humans. “My manager-mentors made it clear that I mattered not just for what I could do,” Mills-Scofield said, “but also for who I was.” It wasn’t about the generous benefits but that her boss insisted she take time off to relax, genuinely showing he cared. He trusted her too. Show that you know we are all on this life boat together.

Look them in the eyes and see the human inside. Remember, the person you are angry at is doing the best he or she can to survive too. You don’t have any idea what their struggles are. Stop and REALLY look at the person you are mad at. A true human connection is both humbling and uplifting.

Smile at the next jerk you see. Demonstrate that you have big light inside you. You just might be adding to world peace as well as your own.

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For more tips on how to outsmart your quick-to-react brain, check out the archived Brain Tips at http://outsmartyourbrain.com/brain-tips-archive/

What You Gain with a Future-Focused Brain

Do you want to keep growing, keeping your life meaningful, interesting and fun? Is part of your job as a leader or coach to help others see their careers flow instead of stagnate? If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, you need set your brain to focus on the future.

Knowing where life is going takes more than an annual review or composing a list of New Year’s resolutions. Keeping your eye on the path should be done in frequent short conversations about what is changing and what is possible.

According to Beverly Kaye and Judy Winkle Giulioni, authors of the new book, Help Them Grow or Watch Them Go, there are three types of conversations you can have to prompt, guide, reflect, explore, activate enthusiasm and drive action focused on development.

  1. Hindsight conversations where you look backward and inward to determine what most energizes and inspires good work.
  2. Foresight conversations looking forward and outward toward changes, trends and the ever-evolving big picture.
  3. Insight conversations where hindsight and foresight converge, shining a light on the best possibilities in the future based on who you are, what you love, and what you do well.

The three conversations are essential because we often make decisions out of fear or frustration instead of by mapping a way forward. Too often, we look at what is popular today without considering 1) who we are at our best and what we most love to do and 2) what will stand out as being more important tomorrow than today.

The conversations can be used for self-discovery as well as to develop others. In today’s world, retention, engagement and productivity depend on people feeling their careers are in flow. These small and regular conversations will decrease the gossip, worrying and complaining that occurs when people aren’t sure about where they are going.

Even in self-discovery, it is good to have a “thinking partner” to have these conversations with. A coach, colleague or friend who wants the best for you can help you stand back and answer questions focused on your future that will continually challenge and satisfy you.

Kaye and Giulioni say the frequency of the conversations is important. “When you reframe career development in terms of ongoing conversations rather than procedural checkpoints or scheduled activities, suddenly you have more flexibility and the chance to develop careers organically, when and where authentic opportunities arise.”

In Help the Grow or Watch them Go, the authors provide powerful questions for each of the conversations, provoking reflection, insight, constructive discomfort, and ultimately, action. All it takes to use their questions is having a genuine curiosity. “Curiosity might be the most under-the-radar and undervalued leadership competency in business today,” say Kay and Giulioni. Yet cultivating a true sense of wonder can ignite your own enthusiasm as well as the energy of others.

Constant questioning can stimulate creative tension as it brings up uncertainty about the future. Yet when it comes to our lives, few people live peacefully in a comfort zone. You are either moving forward or feeling stuck and a failure. As a coach, I have experienced many times how a period of contemplation following a thoughtful and powerful question eventually sparks answers and fuels a sense of forward motion.

Consider these questions:

1. Looking at your past, what has disappeared from your ambition and desires? If you allow these to go, what opens up for you instead?

2. When someone you know introduces you to a stranger, how do they describe who you are and how you stand out? How can you apply these traits and expertise even more powerfully in the future?

3. What do most people around you complain about not being able to do? Is there a way you can help them get what they need?

4. When you look at what is possible for you in the future, what would you most regret not trying?

Keep a notebook to jot down moments where you feel truly joyful and inspired. These are clues you can use when calculating your future.

Notice when others experience these moments. Take the opportunity to ask them how they can design their future to repeat these experiences.

Weave these questions and ideas into your thoughts and conversations. Hope is both a wonderful emotion to feel and a great gift to give to others.

What Story Do You Want To Live?

If I asked you to tell me about the story you are living right now, what would you tell me? Would your story engage me like five-star movie or lose me to a lackluster plot?

Even if the story you tell is leading to a better future, are you conscious of the characters and scenes that you are creating every day?

When I teach leadership classes, I ask participants to consider the Leadership Story they want to live. I tell them the class will be a journey where they will overcome obstacles, take on new challenges and begin to see their role as leader in a new way. By the end of class, they all have a new Leadership Story they wanted to live.

I got this idea after reading Donald Miller’s book,A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Miller wrote a memoir but it wasn’t until he was asked to turn his memoir into a movie that he was forced to focus in on what was most meaningful and memorable about his life. This realization launched him to take his current life, which had become stale, and write risk, uncertainty, loss, meaning, connection and love into the pages he was living.

What story you want to live? How does it play out this year? This decade?

Take a moment to ask yourself about the story you are living right now. Is this the best story for you? For your work team? For your family?

Next, start your new story by asking yourself, “What am I longing to experience? What doesn’t want to play by the rules? What would I do “if only…?”

When choosing your plot line, consider these questions. In the story you want to live, are you…

  1. Creating something that would affect many people’s lives or are you doing something that makes you feel the incredible depth of your knowledge, skill or art?
  2. Able to glimpse and share something important about the future giving people hope or direction or are you fixing something or improving something that wasn’t working before?
  3. Getting your sense of joy from helping other people or are you achieving great things that make you and your family feel proud?
  4. Giving people hope or laughter or are you working to create a life that has more time to let nature nourish your soul?

You might find your plot line by answering one of the questions or you might find your story in a hybrid of answers to two or three questions. There are no correct answers. It is your story.

The easy story is boring. Consider the ending, the plot that leads to the ending, the chapters you want to include, and the characters you want to be most active with including their motivations for being in your story. Consider the surprises you might have to deal with or you would embrace if they showed up. Twists and turns will happen in your story. The unexpected situations keep your story moving.

This means you will be changing your story on a regular basis if you want to keep it interesting. Tension helps you discover what you stand for. Conflict, if you take it on, moves your life forward. “You can either get bitter or better,” says Miller.

Remember, like most memorable movies, it’s not how you end your stories that counts, but what you become on the way to the end.

Write your story and then muster the courage to share it with others. Miller says, “A good storyteller doesn’t just tell a better story, though. He invites other people into the story with him, giving them a better story too.” How about trying this out at work?

If you consciously choose your leadership story and invite others to help the story unfold, you will all enjoy telling your stories over and over. One good story leads to another.

Business blog

4 Tips for Defining Your Business and Life

Are you clear about your business brand and career focus? Do these words ignite your passion?

I just returned from my second trip to China. This time, I taught business owners the art of emotional engagement when speaking. The biggest problem I had was getting the owners to focus on one theme for their speeches.

China is going through a business boom. This makes people act like kids in a candy store when it comes to determining the focus of their business and career. They want to do anything that looks like it will bring them success. They bounce around, following the trend of the year or even the month.

It is profound right now in China. Yet I know the urge to follow the shining stars also exists in the United States and Europe. This restlessness is only stifled by the economy that frightens people into more rigid behavior. People are staying in careers and jobs out of fear, not desire. This doesn’t ease their discontentment.

Whether you bounce around with your career and business brand or you stay in one place out of fear, you are not mining the riches found in persistence.

Looking back on my own career, I also bounced around in search of new challenges every few years. I now wonder what I could have accomplished had I stayed longer in one place.

There are two problems with this inability to delay gratification in what you choose to do with your career or the focus of your business:

  1. You do not stay long enough to make the impact that is truly possible with a committed, long-term focus.
  2. You choose your life’s work based on external rewards, which you are always chasing, instead of internal inspiration, which provides more lasting satisfaction.

You might fall victim to one or both detractors.

In Steve Jobs’ famous speech to the 2006 Stanford graduating class, he quoted the words, “Stay hungry. Stay foolish.” Although people tend to respond to the words hungry and foolish as the drivers of his success, the truth is Jobs succeeded through his dogged determination to stay the course. He believed in the value of his work and the possibility of the difference he would make in the world no matter what difficulties he faced. The key word in the quote is, “Stay.”

No person has accomplished great things without a passion for their work and a strong belief that what they are doing is a good thing for many people. They chose work based on internal inspiration. They had no problem defining what they stood for and this stand rarely faltered.

Your voice that defines who you are in the world must come from within. Once you define yourself by this driving passion, you must stay the course to experience true success.

There have been many movies made, including the recent movie Money Ball, where the lead character pursues what he or she believes in despite bad press, angry critics, and misguided family and friends who think they are saving you when their disbelief is actually standing in your way. Yet these protagonists of the movies believe in their cause, and themselves, until they finally succeed.

In his book, Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell claims that you can master something if you put 10,000 hours into your learning and practice. You can lead a remarkably impactful and lucrative life if you focus, commit and let your belief in your dream drive your decisions.

Short of hitting the 10,000 hours mark, the following tips will help you feel both successful and fulfilled if you take the time to learn as you grow.

  1. Be aware of what you want. I have coached many people, including my Chinese participants, on noticing what gifts they offer and what tasks excite them. When you combine your talents with your joy, you can begin to identify what life path will be most successful for you regardless of what your neighbors are doing. Then 1) create your vision, 2) identify what will get in the way of achieving it and 3) make plans you can flex with as the world around you changes keeping your vision in mind.
  2. Absorb what the critics say as information. Weigh their words against your plans, keeping your voice as the final arbitrator. The naysayer’s words might help you overcome roadblocks as you move on your chosen path. This way, people aren’t roadblocks, they are just data providers.
  3. Be patient and make small tests. As you move on your chosen path, be observant so you can identify what works and what doesn’t. See mistakes as guideposts that keep you going in the right direction after you stumble. Write your goals down and write “victory” next to each one as you achieve it. Don’t give up.
  4. Help others realize their dreams. When most of your conversations are about possibilities instead of problems, you stay in a positive mindset for longer periods of time. You entrench the habit of positive thinking while helping others around you find their way as well.

Don’t let anyone or any trend define your business, career and life path for you. Let your own voice rise above the critics and the glitter. And please don’t settle for doing work that pays the bills, at least in the long run. Define your own life and you will be the winner in the end no matter what happens along the way.

 

Make Life Easier by Knowing Your Brand

You should never be told to quiet your voice, limit your creativity or suppress your spirit because, “The Company says you have to do it this way.” The company or corporation does not have a mouth. Yet the company was built on values and a brand. To be successful, there has to be a match between your personal brand and the one that represents the team, alliance or organization you work with.

First, let me clear up what a company or corporation is. Underneath this explanation are clues to why you will either flourish or fade under your frustration at work. This definition can be applied to how you work with any group of people, including teams, communities and families.

In spite of what some politicians would like you to believe, a corporation is not a person. It is a piece of paper. It’s a series of agreements made by people. It does not have a thinking brain and beating heart. Although we can use metaphors to make the corporation appear to be a living being, a corporation survives on money, not food and affection. And when a corporation dies, there is nothing to bury or burn but the original paper that created it.

However, any work you do with someone else, whether it’s a partnership, alliance, small business or multi-national corporation, is regulated by specific beliefs that the partners or founders—the people—infused into the agreement when it was conceived. This gives the company the sense that it is alive in the form of its values, culture and living brand.

In other words, the team, company or corporation does not have a face but it has a soul, mirroring what is important to the people who came together to create something they couldn’t do alone.

To succeed and even to stand out at work, what you stand for has to align with what the company stands for in the form of the values and the brand that it lives every day. In Built to Last, Jim Collins and Jerry Porras explains that these values guide behavior in daily life across all levels of the organization. Whereas a person’s work values may shift based on their position of leadership, company values and what the organization stands for—the brand—are stable over time.

The core values stay stable even if someone changes the posters and business cards. The values and brand are present in how meetings are run, how people feel when they are at work and what someone tells you when you ask them how they like their job.

Therefore, no matter how good your work is, your success depends on how well you align with the values and brand—the soul—of the company.

I have left companies where it was clear my brand did not align with theirs. If I would have known this before I started the work, I would have moved on in spite of the money offered. Now that I work for myself, I have to be conscious of this alignment when I chose to work with partners and clients. If there is no match, I can’t do my best work.

However, when I was a company employee, my greatest success came when I realized how my best contribution—creating a workplace that is both fun and inspiring for all—aligned with the company’s core values of innovation, experimentation and team spirit. There were other values that didn’t match up to mine very well such as the value for crushing the competition, but when I focused on the match, I was a star.

This process of discovering how you can align what you stand for to what the organization stands for at its core is defined in Suzanne Bates’ new book, Discover Your CEO Brand: Secrets to Embracing and Maximizing Your Unique Value as a Leader (McGraw Hill).

The book is not just for CEOs. It’s for anyone who wants to institute change in a company that benefits both the bottom line and the people who achieve this. It’s about discovering your own values, brand and leadership style, and then determining how this will align with what your organization stands for so you can harness the two to work in concert. Or you can discover when your path needs to start somewhere else where the alignment is clear.

Suzanne says, “The brand begins with the story of you—the experiences that defined you, the lessons you learned, and the ways those lessons shaped your values and beliefs. Once you understand the essence of your brand, you will be able to communicate it to the world. It will become a powerful force, creating positive results. You will be able to leverage that brand of yours to drive tremendous value into your company.”

Personal branding isn’t just about marketing. It’s about your happiness. Know your values and brand and then have the courage to only align with people where you can stand by your brand. If you do this, you will flourish. Otherwise, you will flounder under the conflict with your partners, leaders and your own heart.

Bring Back Hope by Asking For Help

In the critical days after the BP oil spill, I saw a picture of a large group of people who showed up on a beach to help with the cleanup. They were turned away because they didn’t have the training to help. They felt frustrated and helpless standing on the sidelines. They went home feeling a loss of hope that the crisis would be resolved well.

Many people feel the same way in their organizations. They feel frustrated standing by while their leaders struggle making decisions and implementing urgent initiatives to help with the continuing problems in the current economy. Why won’t they accept help?

I learned from visiting a Maasai village in Kenya that when people have each other, that’s really enough. The natives–many of them had earned college degrees in Nairobi or abroad but returned home to live in huts with their tribe–taught me the best way to live through difficult times is to face problems together calling on everyone to chip in with hands, minds and hearts.

Our leaders think they need resources. They think they need the proper training and experiences to consider input on a decision. They think they need a broader perspective than the teams of people doing the work.

When people are asked to be creative, when they are asked to contribute ideas, when they are asked to chip in to help with the survival of something that affects their livelihood, they feel trusted and respected. Their brains open up with good ideas.

When they are told to stand by until their leaders can figure out what to do, they feel disrespected and helpless. Over time, they lose interest and disengage. Productivity falls off. Innovation dries up. Then they are “reorganized” as if this will solve the problems. No wonder most people don’t like change.

The same is true for our communities and families. When people are asked for their ideas and contribution to something that is meaningful to them, they rise to the call. If they are left out, they sit back and complain.

In reality, most people look for better ways to do things all the time. No one writes these small changes down. No one gets thanked for these contributions.

I’m not talking just about people at the lower levels of an organization. In my leadership classes, the middle managers feel used, abused and exhausted. They get to be imaginative and brilliant in class but have little hope they will be able to make any significant changes back on the job. They are like the volunteers on the beach wanting to help but told to go back to where they came from.

So what can you do?

As a leader, acknowledge that most of the people in your organization or community have similar goals and desires. Quit trying to control everything. Ask for ideas and help moving into a better future together. Cultivate collegial instead of competitive atmospheres where people enjoy being creative and productive with each other.

As a participant, continue to offer to help. Work to deepen your relationships with your colleagues. Help the people around you manage their anxiety and helplessness by focusing on what is in their control to achieve. Don’t give up.

For everyone, push away from your computers and have real conversations with people you can touch. Sara Konrath of the University of Michigan found that college students today are about 40 percent lower in empathy scores than their counterparts 20 years ago. Konrath says, “Empathy is best activated when you can see another person’s signal for help.” The Internet isn’t just affecting our brains. It’s affecting our hearts as well.

We can bring back hope for ourselves and the people around us by creating the sense that we are all in this together.

Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D. is the author of the Amazon bestseller Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction and Outsmart Your Brain. She is a professional coach and leadership trainer who works with a variety of companies and coaching clients around the world.

Do You Have the Courage to Be Optimistic?

Economic Signs Suggest a Bleak Road Ahead. That’s the headline I read when I signed onto the Internet this morning. When I read those words, I had two choices. I could be scared and depressed. Or I could look out my window and instead of seeing dried plants in my yard I could see beyond to the promise of flowers next season. I bet you are rolling your eyes at my second option.

People are cynical—why wouldn’t they be? They are overworked, bossed around, paying more, owning less, losing dreams and struggling with hope. Leaders are demanding obedience and compliance. An article appeared in Entrepreneur.com last week that told leaders to “Tell your employees: Don’t think–obey” and “Fear is the best motivator.” I won’t give you the link because I am appalled that Entrepreneur would print these suggestions.

Have we fallen that far that we’re allowing tyranny to be an acceptable form of leadership? What happened to progressive thought and leadership for the new generation? I’m hearing that many of the companies that are written up in books don’t really reward collaborative leaders in real life unless they have an amazing, courageous, people-loving, forward-thinking CEO, which is rare.

The way to counteract the darkness is with light. If we succumb to fear, then we allow our own apprehension, anger, self-protection and pessimism to set the tone at work and in our relationships. Just when we need each other the most, we are seeing the world in ways that bring out the worst in us, giving juice to bad leadership.

Unfortunately, most people are not willing to push their fears aside and speak out. They are not willing to take risks and question authority. After all, they could be facing a long unemployment if they do. I hear this all the time in my leadership classes. The middle managers want to do the right thing but they fear the backlash from their senior leaders.

There is another way to shift the tide of pessimism than confronting bad behavior. You can start conversations based on hope and possibility. You can catch yourself fearing the future and find one thing to be optimistic about, and then share what you found with others who might enjoy a ray of hope as well.

Change happens by conversations. People are the solution, not technology, strategies, or cost-cutting practices. Although the latter can help, it’s the creativity and passion of humans working together that wins in the end. Now is the time for community spirit. It is the time to revive meaning in our lives. It’s easier to be strong without a sense of purpose and faith.

Margaret Wheatley said in her book Turning to One Another, “Change doesn’t happen from a leader announcing the plan. Change begins from deep inside a system, when a few people notice something they will no longer tolerate, or respond to a dream of what’s possible…Together we will figure out what our first step is, then the next, then the next. Gradually, we become large and powerful. We don’t have to start with power, only with passion.”

Whether you work for someone else or yourself, do you have the courage to stand out by being optimistic? Do you have the courage to ask others to join you? Courage doesn’t mean you are free of fear. It means you are able to face the fears that are obstructing your view and move through them.

Stop engaging in fear-filled conversations and gossip. Start your day with a curious eye, looking for good news to share and upright actions to honor. Take the risk to start a new conversation based on hope and believing in the power of the human spirit to triumph. If enough people join in, the leaders may follow. And if they don’t, focusing on what is good and possible is a healthier way to live.

P.S. Have you heard of ODE, the online community for intelligent optimists? Whether or not you subscribe to their magazine, click on Good News to sign up to receive three stories of something good in the news emailed to you every day.

Marcia Reynolds, PsyD is a sought-after keynote speaker, coach, and author of Wander Woman and Outsmart Your Brain.

The Business of Betrayal

I watched the movie Where the Wild Things Are on my flight home from Holland. The little boy who ran away to his fantasy world touched something primal in me…the need to belong, to have people care about me, and to trust that those in charge won’t let bad things happen.

There is sense of betrayal in the leadership classes I teach, in the blog comments I read and in the conversations with my friends who are struggling to survive. This feeling is not the same as disappointment. It is a deeper sense that we are vulnerable in a world that doesn’t care.

You can blame our politicians or the terrorists. Their actions have generated fear and doubt. But when it comes to betrayal, I think the real source stems from the business leaders who have broken the bonds of trust.

The effect of the economic crisis damaged the already waning trust we had in authority. The knee-jerk reactions of our leaders have brought out the worst in their behavior. They manage by demanding and make decisions based on history. Then they try to justify their behavior using logic and reason which may make sense on paper but not in reality.

There is a myth that claims the best way to run a business is like warfare: you have to gain a tactical and strategic superiority over your enemies.  I’d like to propose a new belief: Inspiring people to help each other create success is a more powerful strategy than driving them by fear.

In his book, Born to Be Good, Dachel Keltner, director of Social Interaction Laboratories at UC Berkeley, claims that true survival of humanity is due to our remarkable tendencies toward playfulness, cooperation, generosity, respect and a deep moral sense. It is our need for belonging, our need to have people care about us and our need to build communities for safety and connection that sustains our existence.

Taking this one step further, when you bring out the good in others and in yourself, you activate the brain regions that improve health and increase creativity and productivity. If executives would focus on building communities (not teams) based on trust and acknowledgment instead of wiping out deficiencies, they would be able to innovate faster and step into the future profitably much sooner than at the pace we are surviving at now.

In the book, Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace, Drs. Dennis and Michelle Reina identify specific behaviors that build and break trust, and then describe steps for rebuilding trust and sustaining it over time, even during periods of change. One of their methods includes The Four Core Characteristics of Transformative Trust: 1) Conviction—declaring our personal truths, 2) Courage—identifying betrayal and mending relationships, 3) Compassion—understanding and forgiving, and 4) Community—building on cooperation, agreements and contribution. I recommend reading the explanations of the Four Characteristics plus all the other engaging stories, best practice examples, and useful tips and exercises. If you want to create work environments where trust grows, where people feel good about what they do, where relationships are energized, and most importantly, where productivity and profits accelerate, read Trust and Betrayal.

What business are you in? Make sure your business is not about suffering or survival. It’s time to shift to hope, collaboration, fun and most importantly, trust.

Bounty of Brain Tips

As I was working hard to meet a book deadline, I collected a pile of brain tips to share with you. I couldn’t select one to write about since they all seemed interesting. Therefore, I am going to share a “buffet of tips” with you. Hope you enjoy the feast!

Brain tip #1: Improve your memory while saving money

If you want to increase your memory, what brain-training software should you choose? According to neuroscientist Peter Snyder of BrownUniversity, NONE of the 20 most popular programs on the market provide long-term results in learning and remembering. Snyder says the best memory enhancer is exercise. Next, a good diet and an active social life will measurably improve brain functions.

Brain tip #2: Observing other’s self-control will boost your own

“Monkey-see, monkey-do” was a popular chant when I was a child. Scientists have discovered that there is truth to this statement. Our mirror neurons often trigger mimicking behavior and sympathetic feelings. You feel itchy when the women you are talking to scratches her arm, you wince and feel a twinge of pain when you see others get hurt, and you crave popcorn when the people next to you are sharing a bag.

You can use this phenomenon to your advantage. If you want to improve your dieting willpower, hang out with someone who has no problem saying no. If you want to feel brave, get a boost of courage by talking with someone who loves a good challenge. When you are feeling down, go out with someone who sees the brighter side (even if their optimism is annoying). It’s much easier to shift your emotional state by using your mirror neurons than wrestling with your emotions on your own. Willpower isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Choose confident, optimistic friends and your will strengthens naturally. You are a reflection of the company you keep.

Brain tip #3: Cursing has a positive biological effect

Even if your language is generally clean, you may swear like a trucker when you stub your toe or bang your head. Psychologist Richard Stephens found that swearing actually increases pain tolerance. Women might be able to withstand twice as much pain when swearing, which could explain their outbursts during childbirth. Pain tolerance for men also increases when they grumble and shout profanities, which might explain why sports coaches cuss so much when psyching up their players. The next time your body hurts, turn on your pain blockers by swearing. However, the researchers caution that swearing in public may not be a good way to win friends and influence people.

Brain tip #4: It is easier to add ideas than to fix your brain

No matter how hard you try, you keep misspelling or mispronouncing certain words. If you try to remember the correct way to spell or speak, you get confused. According to Stanford psychologist Gordon Bower, common errors include spelling “wierd” for “weird” and “neice” for “niece.” Also, learned mispronunciations appear across the spectrum, especially if you heard a word mispronounced in the first place making it hard for you to ever remember how to say the word correctly. You can also slip into the habit of calling your spouse or child someone else’s name (hopefully, not the name of an old lover).

Instead of trying to correct yourself, you should learn new associations, like saying, “We are weird” or “My niece is nice.” How many times have you said to yourself, “I before e except after C”? Rhymes, games, and memorable connections are a great way to trick the brain into creating a new brain rut.

Brain Tip #5: Focus on the future, not the present

 I know this runs counter to my own writing on the power of awareness and presence as well as many other books and articles you’ve read. However, when you are in an emotional-laced discussion, it is sometimes better to keep your focus on the outcome you want to achieve. When your gut tells you to defend or shut down, pause, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “If I walked out of this conversation feeling proud of the results, what would have happened?” As Stephen Covey would say, “The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing” and keep the end in mind.

Brain tips 1-4 adapted from columns in Scientific American Mind and the Dana Foundation’s newsletter, Brain in the News (subscription is free for the newsletter).

Is Your Environment Helping You Think?

When I first became a coach, I lived in a condominium in the heart of Phoenix. I carved out a perfect space on the side of my kitchen so I could keep my business from taking over my house. There was a big window that provided plenty of natural light. Yet the scenery was sparse; I could only see part of a tree that separated my door from my neighbor’s. Yet the space was big enough for my desk, computer equipment, a client file cabinet and a small bookcase for the books I wanted to get my hands on quickly. I had access to both the kitchen and the bathroom. What else did I need?

I just demonstrated the problem with most space planning—we only account for the space we need to accommodate our furniture. In other words, we consider the logistical needs and ignore the aesthetics. Yet new research proves that the height of the ceilings, the view from the windows, the shape of the furniture, the color on the walls, the artwork and the type and intensity of lighting all affect our thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Jonas Salk recognized the difference his surroundings made when working on a cure for polio. When he left his basement laboratory to travel to Assisi, Italy, his mind jumped into hyperdrive. The beautiful, serene environment stimulated the breakthroughs he needed to create a successful vaccine. This experience led him to team up with renowned architect Louis Kahn to build the Salk Institute in La Jolla, California to replicate the experience. Salk wanted his researchers to also draw the inspiration from the setting they work in.

Here are some elements to consider when designing your work space:

1.      Freedom to think.

In 2007, Joan Meyers-Levy from the University of Minnesota reported clear evidence that the height of a room’s ceiling affects how people think. Ceilings higher than ten feet prompted more creative, abstract thinking. Higher ceilings encourage people to think more freely. On the other hand, lower ceilings can facilitate more detailed work. You might want to balance your checkbook or perform surgery in a room with an eight-foot ceiling. If you can’t change the height of your ceiling, use light-colored paint on the walls and hang a few mirrors to make the room feel more spacious.

2.   A room with a view.

You might think that being able to view the outside world would be a distraction. It turns out that being able to gaze on a garden, a mountain, a field or some trees actually improves focus. Nancy Wells and a team at Cornell University found that children who could see greenery as they worked had the most gains on tests of attention. They also found that college students with views of nature scored higher on mental focus then their view-deprived counterparts. Humans have an innate positive response to nature. When you bring the outside in, you improve your ability to concentrate. It’s worth your money to cut a few windows into your walls and switch out the solid doors for glass ones.

3.   Seeing the light.

Since daylight synchronizes your sleep-wake cycle, working in a room that lacks natural light can leave you feeling something akin to jet lag. One study from a consulting firm in California found that the more natural light a classroom has, the faster the students academically progress. It’s no wonder that people with dementia deteriorate quickly when put in a dingy institution. If you can’t bring in natural light, there are lamps that mimic the effect of daylight on the body. You can use blue light-emitting diodes (LEDs) and full-spectrum fluorescent lights in buildings during the day and then as you move into the later afternoon, switch to lamps with longer-wavelength bulbs which emit less light detected by the circadian system. Dimmer lights help people to relax and loosen up, which they should be doing at the end of the day. You will feel happier and more productive when your brain can sense the difference between night and day on a routine basis.

4.   Create an opening.

Research now supports what Feng Shui masters have been telling us for years: A room must be soothing to your senses. To achieve this affect, 1) remove the clutter. 2) Camouflage electrical wires and equipment. 3) Buy furniture with curved or rounded edges instead of sharp or squared edges. The brain associates danger with sharp edges, causing small bursts of anxiety. 4) Place objects so you can move around your room with ease. You don’t want to worry about knocking things over or hurting yourself. The more open, safe and soothing your office is, the more your brain is free to create.

I now live in a larger home. This time, I took aesthetics into account when designing my office. I could have converted a bedroom into my office but I chose the living room instead since the ceilings were higher. I placed my desk near the big picture window. When I work, the natural light shines in from behind me. When I coach, I swivel my chair around to observe the mountains, the trees, and the hummingbirds that drink from the flowers below my window. The walls are painted light-chocolate brown which provides a nice contrast for my art work and plants. I converted the dining room into a library where I can keep my books and research close by, but they do not clutter my space. Glass walls separate the space so my business doesn’t take over my life while the office maintains a sense of openness. I can see the difference in my coaching, my writing and my happiness.

Do you need a good design consultant? My friend Linda Lunden specializes in helping people rearrange their living spaces for maximum productivity and happiness. You can reach her in Phoenix, Arizona at 602-989-1082 or email her at lklunden@cox.net.