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Overcoming Fake Talk: How to Have REAL Conversations

April 28, 2013 By Leave a Comment

How many conversations do you have that seem to go well but nothing happens as a result? How many other conversations do you have that don’t go well because no one wants to mention the truth about the situation fearing negative feedback and emotional retaliation? John R. Stoker, president of DialogueWORKS Inc. has written a new book to help people deal with these frustrating conversations. The book is called, Overcoming Fake Talk: How to Hold REAL Conversations that Create Respect, Build Relationships, and Get Results.

The worst situation is when you think you had a normal conversation but end up mystified when performance remains the same, accountability never improves, problems aren’t solved, customers aren’t satisfied, and challenges go unaddressed. You think you share your message, but obviously something about the conversation didn’t work.

It’s true that people easily misinterpret what they hear due to a lot of filters based on past experiences. As a normal human, you just as easily beat around the bush so people don’t really know what you want. So they shake their heads and move on, letting the conversation drift out of their memory as they face other important tasks.

You may not mean to engage in fake talk, but your emotions may sabotage your desire to be real.

Hold REAL Conversations

REAL is an acronym for four skills useful for all conversations.

Recognize and suspend judgments

Express thoughts, feelings, experience, or opinions without creating resistance

Ask questions to understand

Listen and attend to messages that others express verbally and non-verbally.

REAL conversations focus on establishing a respectful relationship while speaking. The intent is to ensure that you listen and respond while speaking so that others feel understood, valued and respected. Even if someone disagrees with you, they don’t feel as if you made them wrong or that you devalued their ideas. They feel acknowledged even if they have to change their behavior.

To assess the quality of your conversations, answer four questions:

  • Am I getting the results I want after one conversation?
  • Do people feel good about our relationship during and after our conversations?
  • Can I honestly say that I treat others as I would want them to treat me no matter who they are or what they do?
  • Can I be wrong? Are there times when this isn’t possible?

The last item is the most significant when judging the quality of your conversations. The greatest opportunities for holding REAL Conversations come when no one agrees with your view and you don’t get what you want. If you aren’t open to REAL conversations all the time, you put results, respect and relationships in jeopardy.

To achieve the results that you seek, stop engaging in fake talk; instead, hold REAL conversations. Engage in conversations that express what you truly think, feel, or want—and listen and accept what others truly think, feel and want as equal in value to your own input. Together, you can find a way to make and meet real expectations.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Leadership Tagged With: , , , , ,

Presence: How to Choose the Impact You Have on Others

June 30, 2012 By

Ask yourself, “What effect do you have on people when you enter a room?”

Now ask yourself, “What happens when you leave the room?”

Just as an observer alters behavior by the fact that the behavior is being observed, whenever you enter or leave a room, your presence affects the thoughts and behaviors of those in the room. Even if no one seemed to notice, their brains selected to ignore you, minimizing your impact.

However, if you are a leader or a contributor to the group, you need to determine the impact you want to have. The presence you project is more important than the words you carefully rehearse.

3 Realms of Presence
There are three realms you need to consider to regulate your presence:  1) Mindfulness, 2) Intent and 3) Emotional Tone.

Mindfulness is bringing yourself into the present moment.

Intent is what you expect and want to happen.

Emotional Tone is a based on what you are feeling. Your emotional energy affects how people will interpret and accept what you have to say.

1. Mindfulness happens when you observe your body, your emotions and your thoughts. The more you are skilled at mindfulness, the more you will be able to monitor and adjust even as you interact with others.

Exercise: Take a deep breath in and slowly release it. Feel your feet on the ground. Become aware of the ground beneath you.  Gradually move your awareness up your body. When you notice a point of tension, release it so your body relaxes. Work your way up your legs, your torso, your arms, your shoulders, your neck, and your face. How does your body feel? Make yourself as comfortable as you can while staying alert.

Next, determine what emotions you are feeling separate from your thoughts. Are you angry, anxious, cautious, distrustful, resentful, frustrated or impatient? If so, try to calm your emotions by breathing and clearing your mind.

Now, notice your thoughts. Has your mind drifted to work or people concerns? Are you judging the value of this moment? Clear your mind by putting your awareness back on your body.

Keep your mind focused on your body as you start to become aware of the room. See if you can notice the room and people around you without judging and thinking.

With practice, you should be able to ground yourself and become aware of your body, emotions, thoughts and surroundings in a matter of seconds.

2. Intent is being clear on what your purpose is in any interaction and what you expect to happen as a result.

When was the last time you interrupted someone? What was your intent, really? Had you been listening to understand their point of view or listening for the chance to respond? Was your intent to engage the person or to have them accept your point of view? What did you want them to do as a result?

When was the last time you presented to a group? What was your primary intent? Secondary intent?

The Buddhist teacher Pema Chedron said, “Patience means allowing things to unfold at their own speed rather than jumping in with your habitual response.” But sincere patience depends on your intent.

Ask yourself, “What do I expect to happen?” Will there be resistance? Will people be excited? Will they eagerly accept or reluctantly comply with your point of view?

Then, based on your expectation, ask yourself, “What do I want to happen?” Do you want people to be inspired or enthusiastic? Do you want them to accept your ideas without argument? Do you want to facilitate collaboration? Do you want to create a sense of win-win where everyone gains? Do you want to explore possible solutions? Do you want to discover the source of a problem? Do you want to create a plan of action?

Once you determine what you want to happen, determine who you want to be in the moment – an inspirer, expert, commander, detective, facilitator, advocate, explorer, or architect. Use this as a keyword to return to your intent if you find that you are not getting the result you want.

3. Emotional Tone
The emotions you feel set the energetic tone of your words and will impact how people will accept what you have to say.

If you are recognized as the “socially dominant” person in the room (a leader), you will set the emotional tone for everyone else. Therefore, your emotions will either bring the energy up or down.

Are you angry, anxious, cautious, distrustful, resentful, frustrated or impatient? If so, try to shift your emotions to feeling calm, hopeful, optimistic, proud, grateful, caring, respectful, curious or amused. What can you feel enthused about? What are you curious to discover? Can you see the humor in the moment? Do you care about the success of the project and the people in the room?

Choose how you want to feel. Practice mindfulness, clarify your intent, and then choose one “feeling word” to anchor the emotion you want to spread in the room.

When you are mindful of your body and thoughts, clear about your intent and deliberate about your emotions, you are in control of your presence. You impact people when you enter a room and when you leave it. If you practice mindfulness plus mental and emotional choice, you are in control of your presence.

If you need help releasing negative emotions, click here for a few techniques that should help.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Emotional Coherence, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Self-Awareness Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Quit Looking for Your Authentic Self

April 23, 2011 By

I do not believe in the concept of having one authentic self. I believe you are made up of many selves that you draw on in various situations. The more successful you are, the better you are at drawing out the parts of yourself that will help you achieve your goals. Instead, if you only define yourself as “a fighter” or “a leader” in every situation, you win some and you lose some.

If instead, you cultivate your “selves concept,” you accept a bigger reality of yourself. You may have a core seed of self that doesn’t change, but then you modify aspects of who you are in order to handle the situation you are facing. Through dialogue, reflection and persistence you can increase your ability to adapt to circumstances by intentionally bringing forth different aspects of yourself for better results.

The process of expanding your sense of self — which includes the many selves you call forth — requires you to let go of who you think you are to allow the many faces of you to emerge. This can be scary. You rely on a strong sense of self to succeed. Yet that strength can hold you back. The more open you are to considering new ways of thinking and acting, the faster you will succeed. You will also be happier and healthier.

Look at who you are being today and then you imagine a broader sense of self that will better serve your aspirations. You mentally see who you want to be first. Then you create a plan for making this new expanded version of you a reality.

One way of making this process more tangible is to work with archetypes. According to the work of Caroline Myss, archetypes are patterns of energy that you carry as you go about your life. Some patterns are innate, wired into your brain when you are born. Other patterns take shape as you learn how to deal with difficulties and you are rewarded for specific behaviors. You develop these patterns throughout your life. Therefore, you can consciously call on specific aspects of yourself when you need them if you are aware of the various archetypes naturally available to you.

The names given to the archetypes, such as Queen, Martyr, and Inspirer, are designed to help you identify a set of behaviors that might serve you or hurt you in a situation. For example, calling on your Queen archetype can be useful to you if you need to stand your ground when you are negotiating for resources for your team. These same behaviors can be harmful if you play your Queen card when arguing with your spouse.

Sometimes we naturally shift our patterns with maturity. For example, I called on Warrior energy early in my career to help me fight my way up the ladder in two male-dominated corporations. Now I gain better results when I call on Connector and Inspirer energies. All three are still aspects of who I am but the balance has changed.

If you can identify the dominant and secondary archetypes present in your life right now, you will better understand the motivations for your actions and then choose new responses instead of acting habitually in various contexts. When you are running a meeting and it is not going well, you can call forth another archetype that might be more useful to you than the one that usually dominates.

This process of identifying, focusing on some, and decreasing other behavioral patterns is how you expand who you think you are. The speed of personal growth depends on you living in a state of curiosity instead of certainty. Open your mind to possibilities and you will find you will fight less with other people without having to surrender what is most important to you.

The following archetypes are the most common in the high-achieving women I have coached, but represent only some of the patterns you may express. If you are interested in a more comprehensive list with descriptions, I recommend Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss or my book, Wander Woman.

Exercise: When you look at the narrative of your life, what characters do you see yourself playing?

Step 1. Circle your six dominant selves. If you struggle choosing, ask someone who knows you well to help you limit your list to six.

Driver; Pioneer; Queen; Warrior; Revolutionary; Rebel; Thinker; Adventurer; Storyteller; Commander; Collaborator ; Visionary; Inspirer; Heroine; Wanderer; Martyr; Advocate; Superstar; Taskmaster; Coach; Healer; Entertainer; Mentor; Mother; Comedian; Magician; Teacher; Detective; Connector; Gambler; Scholar; Companion; Fixer; Idealist; Artist; Femme Fatale

Step 2. Add two or three archetypes that you feel you own but haven’t yet developed (come up with your own names too). Add these to your dominant six and you have the board of directors making your life decisions. When you are struggling with a relationship or life decision, ask your board, one by one, what to do.

Use your “selves” to find new more successful ways to be with others.

Adapted from Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction by Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, leadership coach.

Filed Under: Effective Communication Skills, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Self-Awareness, Women in Leadership

Creating Genius Teams

December 17, 2010 By

In the last two months, we looked at how teams and partnerships can come together by recognizing the similarities in their desires and struggles. Then we looked at how to appreciate differences as contribution to the shared outcome.

These are good relationship-building exercises, but they will fail to sustain the productivity of a team or the health of a relationship without complete agreement on how they will achieve their goals together. There needs to be a process conversation. The intent is to bring people into alignment.

Just as you need to realign the tires on your car so the ride is smooth, teams and partnerships need regular adjustments to ensure alignment.

I was reading Peter Barr’s book, Born Genius, on a recent long trip home from China. As I did the exercises to discover if I was focusing on my unique contribution in life, I realized that the activities could be modified for groups. The questions take an appreciative approach to discover the strengths and focus of the group’s process.

Barr’s process is simple but more comprehensive than I will attempt to explore with you here. Yet the first part of the journey is to identify the potential of the team’s effort and what is blocking them from achieving their best work.

You can ask the following questions of the individual team members by interviewing them before the team meets. Then you would share a summary of their answers and facilitate a dialogue to agree on the themes and opportunities.

However, if there is open communication in the group, it is better to explore the questions together in a team meeting. When the members answer the questions together, the questions can awaken the spirit of the group. In this space, they can discover what will easily take them to the next level of performance.

To encourage the group to focus on their potential, ask the following questions. Facilitate full participation. Ask for explanations and examples for each answer. Record the answers on flipchart paper so they can review their responses later:

1. What are we good at doing?

2. What do we believe we can be great at?

3. What did we used to be good at before things changed? What can we revive?

Before asking the next question, ask the team to review their answers. What stands out for them? What hopes do the members now have for the team? Record these answers on paper and display them around the room.

Now help the team discover how they work together under stress by having them answer these questions:

1. In times of crisis or under pressure, what do we do well?

2. What seems to disappear?

When looking at your answers, what themes emerge that define, “who are we at our best?” First, ask the teams to further crystallize their strengths as a team. Then help the team to narrow their strengths into themes. Once they identify the themes, ask them to summarize the themes into a statement that defines their process in as few words as possible. This statement becomes their unifying slogan, the flag they carry with them when the work becomes intense.

In the future if the process begins to deteriorate, the identity statement they created is a quick reminder of what is possible for the team if they re-align with their combined strengths.

To finalize the session, ask the team what opportunities they see to do better work together. Discuss and agree to two or three actions or goals intended to improve how they work together. Make sure all participants state their commitment to the group as a final exercise.

You can have this conversation with one person or many. It is a great reminder how we express “our best self” when we are together.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Team Building

The Best Kept Secret: Women Love Power

December 1, 2010 By

I’d like to banish the widely held myth that women are uncomfortable with power, that we aren’t in touch with our power or don’t like wielding our power. These statements are not true, and they damage the credibility of women.

I do believe it’s true that women give away their power. But first women have to have power in order to give it away.

I also believe it’s true that women don’t like to publicly acknowledge their power. They don’t tell other people that they enjoy having power, and they brush off compliments about the power they demonstrate. It’s likely that they do this because they still face criticism in social and business situations if they admit to enjoying the feeling of power. It is still not safe for women to see their power as a gift.

Yet it is not possible to feel uncomfortable expressing something you don’t have. So women have to have power in order to feel uncomfortable talking about it.

The truth is, when it comes to feeling powerful, women are not only comfortable with it, they like it. We like feeling in control and don’t like it when others try to take that control away. We like being listened to and accept compliments about our wit, if not our intelligence. We like doing important work and feeling that our work is significant.

And contrary to the endless articles that claim that women are responsible for the lack of leadership positions they hold because they don’t raise their hands, look who raises their hands in school. Girls are taught early on to raise their hands. Then as adults, many volunteer for tough assignments and leadership roles.

Yes, women prefer to be asked to step into leadership positions, but unless the woman is a full-fledged introvert, she will take on more responsibilities than she can handle and only turn down leadership positions when she just doesn’t have a drop of energy left to spare.

So why do so many people keep telling women, “Step into your power”? Because women have a hard time saying, “I am powerful,” even though they like the feeling. They blush when people say they intimidate others, saying, “Who me? How could I threaten anyone?” Then they feel bad that these people think they are unapproachable, though they really don’t have time to help everyone.

Therefore, if you are a woman, the question is not, “What will it take for you to enjoy your power?” The questions are:

  • What will it take for you to admit tat you have talents, skills and wisdom that people admire and recognize?

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  • What will it take for you to feel pride for the effect you have on others?

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  • What will it take for you to appreciate being put on a pedestal because you are a model for others to follow?

Are you afraid people will negatively judge you?

They already do if they think you are uncomfortable with power. Are you afraid you will lose friends if you stand proudly in your power? You might lose friends who are envious of you but gain those who love your show of confidence. Are you afraid that you will be given too much power to handle? You won’t know what you can handle until you try it.

You like feeling powerful. Yet you give it away by not letting others know you like it.

What small steps can you take today to test whether your assumptions about the bad effects of showing your power are true? If you can prove to your brain that you will be admired more than criticized, that you will gain supportive friends to replace the ones you lose, and that you can handle the increasing responsibilities given to you (especially if you know how to powerfully ask for help), then your beliefs about your power will change.

What little things can you do today to begin to convince your brain that publicly acknowledging your power is good?

Experiment with showing people that you appreciate the power you’ve earned. Then maybe people will quit perpetuating the myth that women don’t like power. Maybe male leaders will quit saying that women don’t want power. Maybe the people who write articles and blogs will quit telling you to stop being so wimpy.

You’ve got the power. When you let people know that you enjoy your impact, then you are gracefully flaunting it. Is there anything wrong with that?

Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D. is author of “Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction.” She is also the president of Covisioning, a leadership coaching and training organization working with a variety of people and organizations around the world to develop leaders and increase employee collaboration.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Professional Development, Women in Leadership

Similarities: The Glue that Holds Us Together

October 14, 2010 By


A house divided against itself cannot stand.

Abraham Lincoln borrowed this quote from the New Testament when he was describing the division in the United States. It is a powerful quote to consider no matter what divisions you are struggling with in your life. Your “house” can apply to your government, your company or work group, your community and your family.

When we focus on our differences, we cannot come together.

Healthy relationships are critical to success. A team or partnership can eke out results whether the participants get along or not but the group cannot create amazing results without a solid connection among the members.

When people say, “We don’t have to like each other to get work done,” I question the quality of the work. I believe we have to know each other, trust each other, and hold a healthy respect for each other to achieve excellent results. If I respect you, I like you on some level. These feelings are the glue that holds us together.

In a recent article in The New York Times about Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s chief operating officer, the relationship between her and the executives at Facebook is based on Sandberg’s keen ability to listen and connect. Although her background, her look and her focus for the company is very different from the people she works with at Facebook, she has a keen understanding of how they see the world and can slip into their “bandwidth” with ease. “She’s legit,” says Christopher Cox, the company’s vice president for product. “She’s not like a robot M.B.A.”

Most of us want people to know what special gift or talent we bring to the table. We want to be acknowledged for how we stand out. Although knowing the special strengths, gifts and talents that a person contributes is important later on, the foundation of the group must first be built on similarities. Focusing on differences even if they are strengths stresses the division more than the possibility of working together.

Therefore, relationships should first focus on similarities before you explore differences. Leaders need to create the space so that people who work together can—and are encouraged to—take the time to really see and learn from each other. The more you know someone as a human with needs, dreams and concerns, the more likely you are to care about the quality of your connection with them when you work together.

BRAIN TIP: We listen for similarities by sharing stories that reveal our wishes, needs, disappointments, hopes and dreams. When we first listen for how we are similar, we connect on points in common. This connection breeds collaboration.

I was writing a chapter for my book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction on a plane to Dallas, Texas, while sitting next to a thirty-something woman who was traveling with her five young children dispersed in the three rows around me. In a rare moment when she wasn’t yelling at her children, she looked over my shoulder and asked me what I was writing. I reluctantly told her, assuming she was not my target audience. Shame on me for making this assumption. She launched into a diatribe about the struggles she is having with the business she owns and how no adult seems to understand her even though she knows the risks she takes are right. She said, “Oh, I’m a Wander Woman all right. And so is my sister. Do you really think this is a sort of tribe, or is it a sign of the future for women where we finally get to express who we are?”

When I heard her story, I saw myself. When we listen to each other’s stories, we often see the similarities in our experiences, our struggles and our desires.

When I coach teams, I often ask each person to describe their perfect day one year from now, from the time they wake up until the time they go to sleep. When they share their dreams for both work and their home lives, the members are always amazed at how similar they are. A special rapport develops which helps them come together when they shift to tackling their work problems and actions.

In addition to connecting through our dreams, we also connect through our shared struggles. When your partner(s) is describing a problem, ask:

  1. What is most important to you that you hope will happen or you worry will not happen?
  2. What led you to make a specific decision or what factors are you considering that are making it hard for you to make this decision?
  3. Why do you think this problem exists at this time, really?

Often, when we hear someone describe the story behind an issue we feel, “I am not alone, I am not crazy after all, other people have the same issues and fears as I do.” This familiarity brings us together.Knowing we are similar can give us the courage to move on. In the least, knowing we are going through similar pain can help us feel human and heal. When we connect through familiarity, we open the space to ask each other, “So what’s next?” Instead of feeling as if we are alone, we feel we are in the fight together, making it easier to explore what is in our control and what is possible for our future.

Brain Tip reader Elizabeth Conty reminded me that children are experts at instantly seeing similarities even when differences are obvious. As long as they sense that the other child is safe, their curiosity to learn something about the other child kicks in. Then once similarities emerge, the fun begins.

It’s time to bring the curiosity of children into our relationships. Wonder what brings each person into your life in this moment in time. What dreams are they holding? What are they worrying about that will stand in the way of their dreams? If we know each other’s stories, we can connect. From here, our work together will be amazing.

Next Up—How to Honor Differences without Losing our Connection. Can’t wait? Contact me to talk about how your organization can build collaboration today.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Organizational Culture, Team Building

Stop Praising the Differences in Men and Women

September 5, 2010 By

For years, I have been writing about the differences in the brains of men and women. I have touted the innate strengths women bring to the workplace. I have supported communication skills training that teach us to adapt to gender-based styles.

The men in my life are indirectly teaching me that I may be wrong. Additionally, new research supports the perspective that sex differences in the brain are small. Societal assumptions work to magnify them.

If we are biologically different, then strengths should be recognized. However, if our differences are socially learned, then we might be ignoring an evolution of behavioral traits that is occurring in both men and women that is bringing us closer together.

After 15 years of studying brain-based behavioral research, I am beginning to see that many of our differences are learned. Whatever traits, habits, skills and perspective that can be learned by one gender, can definitely be learned, or unlearned and never learned, by the other. I believe the younger generations are proving this to be true.

I was talking to a client of mine in her early thirties about an article on women “dating down,” meaning the men had less education and earning power than the women. She said, “That thinking is so eighties.” She went on to explain that she and her female friends aren’t looking at potential mates for those factors. They are looking for men to be good life partners, meaning they would share homemaking responsibilities, seek to have a good time together and support each others growth.

“Times are changing,” she said. “Shouldn’t we allow our stereotypes of men and women to change too?”

I used to teach that women changed the subject more frequently when speaking, eventually circling around to the original point they were making. The man I live with does this far more than I do. I used to teach that women were more into collaboration than commandeering. The male coaches I work with have demonstrated collaboration and sensitivity as much if not sometimes more than the women. I used to teach that women multitask better while men focused more concisely. These days, we all multitask, for better or worse, and many women can hone in on a subject with intensity.

I do stand for women being recognized for all the gifts they bring to the table.

I do stand for women being publicly honored when they demonstrate good leadership so younger women can create tangible models for their own development.

I do stand for women being seen as full contributors and excellent leaders. I stand for these women to be mothers as well if they choose to and to have the freedom to accomplish their goals in the manner that best suits their lifestyles.

I do stand for women having equal opportunities for development as men and as many chances to be successful in their business endeavors as men.

I do stand for whatever it takes to breakdown the entrenched masculine cultures in business and politics that keep women from realizing their potential and their dreams.

I stand for these things because women are valuable, not because we are better.

I want these things for men too if they also stand for women to have the same opportunities as they have. If not, I stand against men — and women — who choose to stifle the growth and development of women around the world.

I don’t believe it’s time for women to take over the world. I believe it’s time that men and women support each other as full partners in economic success, world peace and cultural progress.

I think we should:

  • Stop arguing about which gender does certain tasks better.
  • Stop negatively labeling each other when a man shows sensitivity or a woman is firm and ambitious.
  • Start acknowledging the strengths individuals bring to the table, and recognize that most desirable behaviors can be learned if there is a willingness to try and a discipline to practice.
  • Start pairing men with women in leadership capacities so we can learn to honor the richness we both, as humans, offer each other, our companies, and the world. Lets model what working together looks like, demonstrating we know how to blend and collaborate as leaders.

Yes, I believe more women should be leaders in companies, in their communities and in politics. Not because they are women, but because there are remarkable women that can do amazing work just as there are remarkable men as well.

If we promote women only because there should be more women in leadership, then we accept some women who abuse power, suppress progress, and stand for themselves more than they stand for the advancement of women.

I believe that as women become more economically self-sufficient, more educated and more business-savvy, they will naturally rise in power. Companies will be smart to do whatever they can to retain their top talent women. Countries will develop faster if they support women starting their own businesses. Society will be healthier and more stable as women come into their own.

It is the good for all that we support the rise of women in the world. It is the good for all that we do this as equal partners with men. Let’s quit praising our differences and start honoring how the best of us, both men and women, can be powerful together in a more collaborative society.

P.S. Check out the interview Katie Couric did with Gloria Steinem and Jehmue Greene on today’s feminism and workplace issues. They too want to stop the “either/or” and “win/lose” conversations of competition and promote men and women coming together. Steinem said she is disappointed that we lack “…the imagination of cooperation, equality and community.” It is time to move on to come together.

Marcia Reynolds is an executive coach and delivers leadership programs around the world. Read the reviews for her latest book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Organizational Culture, Women in Leadership

Do You Have the Courage to Be Optimistic?

July 3, 2010 By

Economic Signs Suggest a Bleak Road Ahead. That’s the headline I read when I signed onto the Internet this morning. When I read those words, I had two choices. I could be scared and depressed. Or I could look out my window and instead of seeing dried plants in my yard I could see beyond to the promise of flowers next season. I bet you are rolling your eyes at my second option.

People are cynical—why wouldn’t they be? They are overworked, bossed around, paying more, owning less, losing dreams and struggling with hope. Leaders are demanding obedience and compliance. An article appeared in Entrepreneur.com last week that told leaders to “Tell your employees: Don’t think–obey” and “Fear is the best motivator.” I won’t give you the link because I am appalled that Entrepreneur would print these suggestions.

Have we fallen that far that we’re allowing tyranny to be an acceptable form of leadership? What happened to progressive thought and leadership for the new generation? I’m hearing that many of the companies that are written up in books don’t really reward collaborative leaders in real life unless they have an amazing, courageous, people-loving, forward-thinking CEO, which is rare.

The way to counteract the darkness is with light. If we succumb to fear, then we allow our own apprehension, anger, self-protection and pessimism to set the tone at work and in our relationships. Just when we need each other the most, we are seeing the world in ways that bring out the worst in us, giving juice to bad leadership.

Unfortunately, most people are not willing to push their fears aside and speak out. They are not willing to take risks and question authority. After all, they could be facing a long unemployment if they do. I hear this all the time in my leadership classes. The middle managers want to do the right thing but they fear the backlash from their senior leaders.

There is another way to shift the tide of pessimism than confronting bad behavior. You can start conversations based on hope and possibility. You can catch yourself fearing the future and find one thing to be optimistic about, and then share what you found with others who might enjoy a ray of hope as well.

Change happens by conversations. People are the solution, not technology, strategies, or cost-cutting practices. Although the latter can help, it’s the creativity and passion of humans working together that wins in the end. Now is the time for community spirit. It is the time to revive meaning in our lives. It’s easier to be strong without a sense of purpose and faith.

Margaret Wheatley said in her book Turning to One Another, “Change doesn’t happen from a leader announcing the plan. Change begins from deep inside a system, when a few people notice something they will no longer tolerate, or respond to a dream of what’s possible…Together we will figure out what our first step is, then the next, then the next. Gradually, we become large and powerful. We don’t have to start with power, only with passion.”

Whether you work for someone else or yourself, do you have the courage to stand out by being optimistic? Do you have the courage to ask others to join you? Courage doesn’t mean you are free of fear. It means you are able to face the fears that are obstructing your view and move through them.

Stop engaging in fear-filled conversations and gossip. Start your day with a curious eye, looking for good news to share and upright actions to honor. Take the risk to start a new conversation based on hope and believing in the power of the human spirit to triumph. If enough people join in, the leaders may follow. And if they don’t, focusing on what is good and possible is a healthier way to live.

P.S. Have you heard of ODE, the online community for intelligent optimists? Whether or not you subscribe to their magazine, click on Good News to sign up to receive three stories of something good in the news emailed to you every day.

Marcia Reynolds, PsyD is a sought-after keynote speaker, coach, and author of Wander Woman and Outsmart Your Brain.

Filed Under: Brain Health, Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Happiness and Wellness, Leadership

Faceless Civility: How to Get Along Online

April 4, 2010 By

I read a blog post this week where the writer, an internationally known expert and best-selling author, criticized some followers for disagreeing with what he had to say.

First, I felt his attitude was so arrogant that I unsubscribed from his blog. Second, I’m still surprised when I see people emotionally reacting and saying things online that they would not say face-to-face.

You would think we would have learned to be more civil online by now. I remember in 1993 talking to my boss about creating a class on email etiquette. Five years later after starting my own business, I was hired to teach a class on emotional intelligence for email writers. Yet I’m still hearing horror stories of people being fired by email, ideological wars taking place on company Intranets, and blog comments serving more to vent emotions than share points of view.

With many companies decreasing travel, technology-facilitated communication is on the rise. Social media isn’t just for sharing family pictures. Products are being developed, sales are opened and closed, and crucial problems resolved online using Facebook-type platforms, Wikis and Ning-based communities and internal Twitter-like programs.

Yet virtual teams still consist of people talking to each other. There has to be rules and agreements to get the best results. If not, conflicts often deteriorate into counter attacks. Even non-emotional statements are interpreted poorly, triggering our fingers to blast out defensive tirades and pushing send before cooling down.

Some of the best resources I’ve seen for creating agreements and handling conflicts online come from Stewart Levine. I’ve read two of his books, Collaboration 2.0: Technology and Best Practices for Successful Collaboration in a Web 2.0 World (Happy About, 2008) and Getting to Resolution: Turning Conflict Into Collaboration(Berrett-Koehler, 2009).

Getting to Resolution outlines the ten principles underlying the approach Stewart calls “resolutionary thinking.” Stewart then provides a detailed seven-step process for using this new mindset to resolve conflicts in a way that fosters dignity and integrity, optimizes resources, and allows all concerns to be voiced, honored, and woven into the resolution. He shows how these steps work online in Collaboration 2.0.

Here are some tips from Stewart’s work.

Brain Tip #1: Start with “an attitude of resolution.” For what purpose are you speaking? Before you type out your ideas or formulate a response, consider what everyone wants to happen—the shared vision—and what everyone wants in their hearts to create. When you only speak from your mind, you tend to focus on excuses, personal reasoning and finding fault with other people’s ideas and actions.

When instead, you speak with your heart and mind—and seek to meet others with both heart and mind—you are more likely to remember you are dealing with humans who are also emotionally tied to the end results and to being heard and respected. If you focus on resolution and long-term relationships instead of short-term wins, you are more likely to create and sustain collaborative relationships.

Brain Tip #2: Recognize and describe what you are feeling and why. Although people feel strong emotions, they rarely articulate what they are feeling and why in their responses. If you put this reality on the table, your emotions and the sources become factors that can be used toward finding a resolution. There was a great bit of advice one doctor gave to another in a recent episode of Grey’s Anatomy, “Don’t try to fix him. Just tell him how you feel.” Although you might feel vulnerable sharing at this level, the act actually eases defensiveness in others.

Also, when you articulate what you are feeling, you can move toward releasing the hold emotions have over your thoughts. You can finally feel some completion with the issue. From here, you can hear other people’s stories and perspectives, honoring the diversity they bring to the table. This takes courage, but the results are definitely worth the discomfort you feel with the process.

Brain Tip #3: Create a “third body.” Once you tell your story, share the source of your reactions, and listen to what others need to share, you can begin to work toward a vision of what will work instead of trying to resolve what isn’t working. When you move into this space of creativity, people come together with a true sense of collaboration. The energy is invigorating and productive. The sum is greater than the parts, as if something is happened that is bigger than any of one person. What’s interesting is that few groups can reach this state until they have moved through the fire of conflict into a new state of relationship. This is the prize. It’s worth working for. I recommend Stewart’s books to help you experience this magical state for yourself and with your teams.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Emotional Intelligence, Self-Awareness

What Does it Take to Get People to Follow You?

December 25, 2009 By

There are many wonderful lessons on leadership in Clint Eastwood’s new film Invictus, a movie based on how Nelson Mandela changed the conversation in South Africa from divisiveness to solidarity. Whether you are an executive, a manager, a coach, a speaker or a writer, you are seeking a following. Here are some tips to help you build your community.

Mandela demonstrated the power of engaging people who see the world differently than you do. It’s easy to get like-minded people to follow you. Yet, as Peter Block says, “Like-mindedness is the enemy of the future.” Your strength as a leader is to engage everyone and to unify diverse, creative thought toward a common mission. Here are a few tips gleaned from Mandela’s wisdom:

Leadership Tip #1: Help people know they can accomplish more than they thought they could. Stand for what is possible not just in your organization, but for each individual including low performers. Your belief in them will often change their minds.

Leadership Tip #2: Truly see people. Know what their joys in life are. Know what they hope for. Know what they think stands in their way. One of the bodyguards in the movie said that he felt he was invisible to the president before Mandela. Yet Mandela knew he loved toffee and often brought it to him after a trip. Feeling visible inspired his dedication and achievement.

Leadership Tip #3: When people come to you for advice, don’t give it to them right away. Discern what they know and fear first, and then discover the answers together. Being “the one who knows” stunts their growth. In Gary Cohen’s new
book, JUST ASK LEADERSHIP: Why Great Managers Always Ask the Right Questions (McGraw Hill/2009), he shows how CEOs, managers, and supervisors can ask the right questions in the right contexts. This empowers coworkers, opening the door to greater productivity and creativity. Gary draws on his own experience as a successful CEO and from his interviews with 100 leaders across the country.

Leadership Tip #4: Forgive. What truly inspired the captain of the rugby team to align with Mandela and lead his team to the World Cup was Mandela’s ability to forgive those who imprisoned him for 27 years. Mandela changed the conversation from Us vs. Them by refusing to fall victim to negative emotions. He didn’t want to live in the story of the past. He sought to create a new story for South Africa based on creating the future. This required hope, not revenge.

The poem, Invictus, written by William Ernest Henley in 1875 kept Mandela’s resolve during his dark years in prison. The last two lines read,

“I am the master of my destiny. I am the captain of my soul.”

As a leader, you are an example whether you are consciously choosing your behavior or not. Don’t let past transgressions and current fears dictate your behavior. Be clear about your mission, and then see the gifts each person brings to the table. People will follow you based on how you acknowledge and treat them. No matter how brilliant you are, you must show that you care about them to engage their commitment to you and your cause. You can do this if you remain the master of your brain, commandeering your emotions and your actions in the service of your vision.

Happy new decade. May it be truly amazing.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Leadership, Organizational Culture, Professional Development
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