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The #1 Rule for Effective Leadership (at Home and at Work)

December 19, 2012 By

Beyond the Golden and Platinum Rules, in our crazy busy world the one rule everyone should follow daily above all is, “Don’t be a jerk.”

When I am frustrated, under pressure or running late, I masterfully rationalize my “jerky” behavior. I act as if my needs are more important than anyone else and I am the only one who is aware of what is going on around me.

I forget that on other occasions, I too act without being aware of my surroundings, rudely cutting in front of people and forgetting to do something I promised. Yet I don’t forgive others for their lapses.

And then there are those times when I think I am right and someone else is a jerk, which then sparks my inner jerk. Most conflicts can be tracked back to the perception that one person acted entitled so the other had to teach them a lesson or settle the score.

I am not going to ask you if you relate to what I’m saying. If you say you don’t, then you are either not human or you are delusional. Often, your inner jerk is triggered in your brain as a means of defense. Or you are so stressed out that you have used up your reserve of adrenalin and are running on cortisol, making your anger “trigger happy.” There are stressed out, crabby people running around everywhere we turn.

Unfortunately, I have met many leaders who would not acknowledge their jerky behavior, claiming their actions were necessary to get results.

The truth is, if you want happy and engaged employees and good relationships outside of work, you need to catch when you are being a jerk. Once you catch yourself, here are some practices to follow if you would like to live up to the #1 Rule:

Don’t yell, snap, bark, or back someone down with your eyes. If you start this, stop. Take a breath and shift your emotions before you open your mouth again. If you can’t find some patience, compassion or a human fallibility to laugh at, go outside for a breath of fresh air or call a friend to vent.

Don’t belittle “the help.” Don’t act as if you are somebody and the clerks, assistants, employees, and other people who walk into your path are nobody special. You won’t get what you need in the long run.

Don’t act as if you are doing anyone a favor. I remember a former boss wondering why the employees weren’t happy after receiving a bonus. The culture was toxic. Money can’t fix that. The true gift you give to others is acknowledging how valuable they are and showing gratitude for the specific things they do, no matter who you are on the food chain. Innovation consultant Deb Mills-Scofield says many leaders treat their employees as employees — nicely and kindly, even generously — but not as humans. “My manager-mentors made it clear that I mattered not just for what I could do,” Mills-Scofield said, “but also for who I was.” It wasn’t about the generous benefits but that her boss insisted she take time off to relax, genuinely showing he cared. He trusted her too. Show that you know we are all on this life boat together.

Look them in the eyes and see the human inside. Remember, the person you are angry at is doing the best he or she can to survive too. You don’t have any idea what their struggles are. Stop and REALLY look at the person you are mad at. A true human connection is both humbling and uplifting.

Smile at the next jerk you see. Demonstrate that you have big light inside you. You just might be adding to world peace as well as your own.

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For more tips on how to outsmart your quick-to-react brain, check out the archived Brain Tips at http://outsmartyourbrain.com/brain-tips-archive/

Filed Under: Brain Health, Brain Tips, Emotional Intelligence, Happiness and Wellness, Leadership, Self-Awareness Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Do You Have the Courage to Be Optimistic?

July 3, 2010 By

Economic Signs Suggest a Bleak Road Ahead. That’s the headline I read when I signed onto the Internet this morning. When I read those words, I had two choices. I could be scared and depressed. Or I could look out my window and instead of seeing dried plants in my yard I could see beyond to the promise of flowers next season. I bet you are rolling your eyes at my second option.

People are cynical—why wouldn’t they be? They are overworked, bossed around, paying more, owning less, losing dreams and struggling with hope. Leaders are demanding obedience and compliance. An article appeared in Entrepreneur.com last week that told leaders to “Tell your employees: Don’t think–obey” and “Fear is the best motivator.” I won’t give you the link because I am appalled that Entrepreneur would print these suggestions.

Have we fallen that far that we’re allowing tyranny to be an acceptable form of leadership? What happened to progressive thought and leadership for the new generation? I’m hearing that many of the companies that are written up in books don’t really reward collaborative leaders in real life unless they have an amazing, courageous, people-loving, forward-thinking CEO, which is rare.

The way to counteract the darkness is with light. If we succumb to fear, then we allow our own apprehension, anger, self-protection and pessimism to set the tone at work and in our relationships. Just when we need each other the most, we are seeing the world in ways that bring out the worst in us, giving juice to bad leadership.

Unfortunately, most people are not willing to push their fears aside and speak out. They are not willing to take risks and question authority. After all, they could be facing a long unemployment if they do. I hear this all the time in my leadership classes. The middle managers want to do the right thing but they fear the backlash from their senior leaders.

There is another way to shift the tide of pessimism than confronting bad behavior. You can start conversations based on hope and possibility. You can catch yourself fearing the future and find one thing to be optimistic about, and then share what you found with others who might enjoy a ray of hope as well.

Change happens by conversations. People are the solution, not technology, strategies, or cost-cutting practices. Although the latter can help, it’s the creativity and passion of humans working together that wins in the end. Now is the time for community spirit. It is the time to revive meaning in our lives. It’s easier to be strong without a sense of purpose and faith.

Margaret Wheatley said in her book Turning to One Another, “Change doesn’t happen from a leader announcing the plan. Change begins from deep inside a system, when a few people notice something they will no longer tolerate, or respond to a dream of what’s possible…Together we will figure out what our first step is, then the next, then the next. Gradually, we become large and powerful. We don’t have to start with power, only with passion.”

Whether you work for someone else or yourself, do you have the courage to stand out by being optimistic? Do you have the courage to ask others to join you? Courage doesn’t mean you are free of fear. It means you are able to face the fears that are obstructing your view and move through them.

Stop engaging in fear-filled conversations and gossip. Start your day with a curious eye, looking for good news to share and upright actions to honor. Take the risk to start a new conversation based on hope and believing in the power of the human spirit to triumph. If enough people join in, the leaders may follow. And if they don’t, focusing on what is good and possible is a healthier way to live.

P.S. Have you heard of ODE, the online community for intelligent optimists? Whether or not you subscribe to their magazine, click on Good News to sign up to receive three stories of something good in the news emailed to you every day.

Marcia Reynolds, PsyD is a sought-after keynote speaker, coach, and author of Wander Woman and Outsmart Your Brain.

Filed Under: Brain Health, Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Happiness and Wellness, Leadership

How Pictures and Music Can Shift Your Emotional State

January 5, 2009 By

Enjoy this short video . . .

http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap081231.html

When you are feeling stressed, fearful, angry or disappointed, find a picture, video or piece of music that can shift you into experiencing the miracle of being alive right now. What treasures do you have in your life? What amazing things are in your line of sight every day? Use this to help you to rise above the moment to see possibilities instead of danger. When you stay stuck, other terrible things can stick to you as well. When you rise above, they simply fall away.

Filed Under: Brain Health, Brain Tips, Emotional Coherence, Happiness and Wellness, Self-Awareness

Oh Brain, Where Art Thou?

September 9, 2008 By

I am a kind person…

until someone tries to cut in front of me as I stand waiting to board an airplane.

I am a friendly person…

until the guy next to me in line at the grocery store wants to talk about his work when I had other plans for my attention, like reading the gossip magazine covers.

I am a patient person…

until the woman driving the car in front of me who was talking on her cell phone was a little slow seeing the light had turned green.

I judge when other people are rude, like I never am. I’m annoyed when people don’t notice me and stand in my way, as if I were always aware of my surroundings. I also criticize the criticizers.

The good news…

I’m not a bad person. I’m just a normal person with a human brain.

No matter how angelic you can be, your brain will always deliver you a lesson in humility. Why can’t we always be good?

THE TRUTH: The brain reacts to our surroundings long before our capacity for logic, compassion and principled thoughts can be formed.

However, it’s not how you instantly react, but how you then choose to act after your brain has prompted you to act like most humans that matters.

Do you just justify your behavior (since logic follows reactions, we are masters at finding the logical excuse for our bad behavior. Even children master the arts of justification and rationalization early on)? Or do you beat yourself up for being so inconsiderate? Either way, you are giving more power to your brain than you should.

Brain control is a difficult skill. Better you work at being aware of your silly thoughts, and then tell your brain what you would like to think and do differently.

Know this about your brain…

The brain is paranoid.

Since the primary job of the brain is to protect you, it tends to first assume people are trying to hurt (ignore, cheat, disrespect) you, take something from you or not give you what you want unless you trust from experience that the person you are with is a friend with good intentions.

The brain is judgmental. You are kidding yourself if you claim to be a non-judgmental person.

In order to discern if a situation is safe or not, the brain must make immediate judgments about people and situations. We naturally discriminate and judge, thinking negatively or positively when neither judgment is justified.

BRAIN TIP: Notice when you assume bad intent or when you are expecting the worse to happen. Catch yourself focusing on the negative possibility. Then..ask what else is possible. Consider that the person you are with has good intentions in the end. This person is doing the best they can with what they know. Maybe you know better. Choose peace instead of conflict.

BRAIN TIP: Listen to the nonsense your brain is feeding you. Notice when you exclude someone or blindly believe in people just because some person or group told you to think a certain way. Choose to laugh at your criticisms of others, open your heart to compassion, and research what people tell you so you can make informed decisions on your own.

Also, forgive yourself for being human then put your brain on time out. Choose to feel differently about the task in front of you and the people who are struggling with this thing called “life” just like you are.

Finally, know that your brain is uncooperative.

Unless you solicit the advice, you don’t like to be told what to do, even if the advice or direction is good, right? Well, this reaction, too, is your brain controlling you. The brain loves status quo. Change is hard. Even if you practice these tips today, you will go back to doing the same silly things tomorrow if you don’t create a discipline of awareness by practicing EVERY day.

Who has time for that? There your brain goes again…being the master rationalizer.

BRAIN TIP: Stay alert. Check in frequently to see what your brain is doing. Set an alarm on your desk to go off a few times a day (or an appointment in Outlook if you use it), reminding you to check into your thoughts. Then make a conscious choice about who you want to be in that moment, how you want to think and most importantly, how you will then act.

If we all outsmarted our brains, wouldn’t this be a better world to live in?

 

Filed Under: Brain Health, Brain Tips, Emotional Coherence, Self-Awareness

Brain Calisthenics for Staying Young

December 27, 2007 By

The School Sisters of Notre Dame nunnery in Minnesota on average, actively live into their nineties. Many live over one hundred with very few cases of dementia and Alzheimer’s. The nuns were featured in Life magazine in 1994 doing daily activities such as teaching, challenging each other with vocabulary quizzes, doing puzzles and debating about current issues.

Professor David Snowden of the University of Kentucky examined 100 brains donated at death by the nuns in Mankato and other School Sisters locations across the country. He found many more neural connections than the average regardless of age, giving them not only more thinking power but also the ability to reroute input when the brain is damaged by stroke or disease, counteracting the debilitating effects on the brain and keeping the nuns healthier and more active for years.

Were these women born with more neural connections? Not likely since they enter the nunnery from all over the country. The answer is more likely that their brains continue to develop with activity. “Use it or lose it” could be their motto.

BRAIN TIP: Exercise your mind every day as you should exercise your body. Here’s a website where you can find brain teasers (it’s too bad they allow annoying banner ads…use your brain to ignore them): http://www.brainvista.com

New studies are proving that the brain does not deteriorate with age unless it is idle. The only portion of the brain that has been proven to deteriorate with age is the language section, meaning it is harder to learn foreign languages as we grow older.

In addition, the brain has amazing powers of regeneration. Where once we thought people had permanent damage after strokes, medical researchers are finding miracle recoveries when working to activate the remaining healthy portions of the brain.

Yet we first have to start by believing this is true. Merely living longer doesn’t determine the quality of your life. You have the choice of slowing or increasing your aging process by how you think and behave.

Today the average age of Americans is 75. Scientists predict that in ten years, we will push the average age to 120! Are you going to waste away those years feeling old, or will you seek to feel as fully alive as possible?

Every day you choose to think and act old or young. The energy you project has no age. You can still feel like a child, dance like a teenager, create like a young adult no matter what your birth certificate says. The secret is in daily practice. Keep your body and mind active and don’t believe in those lies about aging. You might find yourself growing younger every day.

Filed Under: Brain Health, Brain Tips, Happiness and Wellness, Self-Awareness

Mind Over Body

December 27, 2007 By

Dr. Candace Pert, author of Molecules of Emotion, is a leading neuroscientist who has found scientific proof that links our thoughts and emotions to our physical health. In her recent audiotape program, Your Body Is Your Subconscious Mind, she describes recent studies with patients with multiple personalities.

Researchers have found that people with multiple personality disorders literally have different bodies with each personality. For example, one personality might have a severe allergy while the other personalities having no allergies at all. One personality is near-sighted, another is far-sighted and a third has perfect vision. Looking at antibodies in blood draws just five minutes apart show great immune reactions to no immune reactions.

WHAT THIS MEANS TO US: “Consciousness creates reality,” Pert says. “Depending on what mind is in the body, the body changes.” She further states that since emotions are what caused the personalities to split in the first place, they are a major factor in creating the physical states experienced by each personality. How we experience life has much to do with what emotions we have locked in our bodies and the emotions that are triggered in any given moment.

This research demonstrates that we have the power to heal ourselves, feel better and choose how we want to experience life. What we think is fixed—our body structures, ailments, mental acuity, appetites, and dependencies—are actually fluid, affected by our mental states. Humans are constantly shifting from one state of body to another.

TIP: Learn how to hear what is going at an emotional level in your body. With this information, you can begin to understand what is guiding your life. Frequently ask your body what it needs. Seek to discover the possible emotional sources of physical and mental difficulties and immune system breakdowns. Determine what is most valuable and important in your life, then assess when these items are being threatened or ignored. Consider hiring a personal coach to help you explore what is missing and to determine how to re-align yourself with your values and passion.

Above all else, BELIEVE that you have the power to mold yourself and your life to match your dreams.

Filed Under: Brain Health, Brain Tips, Emotional Coherence, Happiness and Wellness

How to Get High

December 27, 2007 By

Most people love feeling good, and seek this sensation in many ways. There are four methods we can turn ourselves on:

1. Artificial Drugs

2. Adrenalin

3. Endorphins

4. Serotonin

Most artificial drugs (including caffeine), cause fast-acting shifts in our moods. Unfortunately they diminish our own natural process for creating pleasure. For example, although nicotine may quickly decrease anxiety, it lowers the brain’s natural source of pleasure, serotonin. As a result, when people feel they need a cigarette, they get cranky, crave food, and may even experience symptoms of depression. Additionally, since serotonin is needed for healthy brain functioning, the lack of it can cause us to think slower and less clearly when not under the influence (this is a nice way of saying we get stupid with age). Consider the downside the next time you reach for another cup of coffee or end your day with a cocktail.

The next drug of choice in our society is adrenalin. We can naturally pump ourselves up by setting too many goals, by taking on the responsibility for too many problems, by over-achieving and under relaxing, and by seeking the “rush” we’ve come to love.

Adrenalin can help us to handle many things at once. However, the body can take only so much adrenalin before it crashes, making us sick, moody, and possibly burnt out with no feelings at all. Biochemist Matt Church says, “If you draw on adrenalin for everyday activities you will either die from heart disease or become so moody from the resulting chemical imbalance that your relationships fall apart.” We often blame our woes on external stressors when in reality, we’ve created the stress by overproducing adrenalin.

As you can guess, it is better to produce happiness naturally, with endorphins and serotonin. These naturally-produced chemicals act as neurotransmitters, meaning they facilitate the network of cells in the brain to communicate with one another. Neurotransmitters regulate mental functioning, mood, the sleep cycle, appetite, and memory. They are activated by certain foods, exercise, and our emotional states, particularly happiness and appreciation. Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio says that “joy and its variants lead to greater functional perfection.” Cheerfulness increases ease, efficiency, rapidity, and power in the operations of the neural network.

When it comes to getting high naturally, endorphins have received most of the press. We’ve read about this natural pain killer dubbed “the runner’s high.” However, most of us do not run the distance it takes to elevate our endorphin levels. To increase your endorphins without running, try laughing more often. Then stop and smell the roses. Appreciation, love, and laughter increases brain functioning, feeding creativity and clearing the way to see more options and possibilities.

On the other hand, regular exercise actually produces serotonin, which is just as good as endorphins and lasts longer. 

In fact, the most powerful mood booster is serotonin. A brain stocked with serotonin evens out our temperament, keeping us off the roller-coaster of emotions most of us experience in a day. When you are feeling sluggish or crabby, boost your serotonin by eating a small dose of carbohydrates, such as a piece of fruit or energy bar. You can add in some protein, such as a hand full of nuts or a few slices of turkey which also has tryptophan to make you feel good. Also, drink lots of water. A craving for sugar can actually be the initial stages of dehydration. Stretching, low impact aerobics, yoga, tai chi and light weight lifting all keep serotonin levels in ready supply. Also, singing, chanting, and playing or listening to music evens out the rhythm of our brain waves.

Go for the natural high. Not only will you feel great, you will act much smarter.

Filed Under: Brain Health, Brain Tips, Happiness and Wellness, Self-Awareness

Just Say No to Techno

December 27, 2007 By

I’m sure you are painfully aware that our techno-toys have added more work instead of taking some away. Email, cell phones, pagers and the latest gadgets are bombarding us with too many messages for our brains to handle and eating up all our free time.

Technology can run 24-7. We cannot. The problem is that sooner or later we hit psychological overload, making us feeling overwhelmed, crabby, burnt-out and confused.

It’s time we say “no to techno” and recapture our lives. We need rest, fun, exercise and good meals to operate smoothly. Our minds and bodies need regular tune-ups. You need to feel balanced and truly present to the situations you are facing to get the results you desire.

Put fun on your “to do” list. Take a playground break; playing on a swing is a great way to relieve stress. Meet a friend for lunch. Buy yourself a cool hat or belt. Schedule a day to play hooky.

Then, when in your office, you need time to think clearly and creatively. When working on a project, turn off all techno-distractions such as your computer and telephones. It’s too tempting to check for incoming email when the computer is on. It’s hard not to answer a ringing phone.

While meeting with someone or connecting by telephone, make your surroundings quiet and free from interruptions. There is nothing more demotivating than having the person you are speaking to treat you as if their phone or computer is more important than you.

Finally, know when you are done for the day. Kick yourself out of the office on time. Don’t bring work home, mentally or physically. Go in early if you have to, but give yourself a life after work.

Remember, the more centered you feel in life the more successful you will be at work. Use your technology wisely. Don’t let it abuse you. Say no to living a techno-life. Say yes to feeling human.

Filed Under: Brain Health, Brain Tips, Happiness and Wellness, Organizational Culture

The Burden of Greatness

December 27, 2007 By

He looked tired, sad and smaller than I ever remembered him to be. I wanted to shake him, to shock him, and to tell him to stand up and fight like he had always taught me to do. Yet every time I started to argue with him, he turned off his hearing aid and said he needed to get some sleep.

The routine was the same every night of the two weeks prior to my father’s passing. I know what surrender looks like. I saw it in his eyes when he told me he was ready to go.

If he had lived a long life and was fatally ill, maybe I could understand his death wish. He was only 59. Besides going deaf, he had epilepsy and a brain tumor. Yet the doctors said the tumor was operable. However, they had recommended, and the family insisted, that he stop working. That was the death sentence.

It is not that he didn’t try. For a year, he went on trips with my mother and tried different hobbies. The seizure he had on the cruise ship and his inability to focus on what he called “waiting-to-die diversions” made him grumpier and sadder by the day. By the time we started our nightly ritual, he had fled to a mental ward.

IS SUCCESS SWEET OR TOXIC? I’m still haunted by my father’s death. In searching for answers, I found psychologists Paul Pearsall’s book, Toxic Success. Dr. Pearsall writes, “Success poisons our life when we begin slipping from a sense of ample opportunity to fully enjoy life, into a nagging sense of obligations to seek a better life.” The continual striving for greater accomplishments and the craving to accumulate more than we need are never satiated. We seek the perfect job, the perfect home, the perfect pet, and the perfect vacation. We starve our natural needs for love and connection by feeding the appetite of our materialistic needs. After decades of driving ourselves into the ground, we don’t know how to climb out.

“I’ve was never UNHAPPIER than the moment when I finally attained the level of success I had devoted my life to achieve,” said eight-time Olympic gold medalist Matt Biondi. “Success enslaved me, because once I seemed to have it, it ended up having me.”

I have come to call my fathers overriding illness, “The Burden of Greatness.” With the best of intentions, our parents raise us to excel and our society persuades us to achieve. Being ordinary is not an option. We work 50-60 hours a week or more to achieve the “American Dream,” and then to support the lifestyles that imprison us. We become too busy, too distracted, and too absorbed in our work to realize that we have forgotten how to find joy in the moment.

My father not only forgot how to find joy, the possibility of not being seen as the successful business man terrified him. Who would he be? Why would anyone care about him? He totally lost his sense of self.

Then we pass on this drive to our children. As a result, American children are learning how to strive and compete, but not how to be content and happy. Then they deaden themselves with TV, video games, and possibly drugs and alcohol.

BRAIN TIP: Maybe it’s time to redefine success. I’m not suggesting we throw out the merits of excellence. But maybe we can also teach our children to equally honor contentment, calmness, and the enjoyment of spending time with family, friends, and in nature.

For me, I’m working on my success addiction by looking at where I can live with mediocrity. I miss my father, but I do not have to live out his life. I am closing my office doors earlier at night, re-evaluating ALL of my purchases, turning down business to stay home with my friends and possibly, meet a mate with whom I can share what is extraordinarily ordinary in my life.

What can you do to make life more blissfully ordinary?

Filed Under: Brain Health, Brain Tips, Emotional Coherence, Professional Development, Self-Awareness

Stress is a Human Invention

December 26, 2007 By

Even with all of our medical advances, stress-related illnesses are at a record high. It appears that humans are very good at the art of getting sick.

THE PROBLEM: Chronic stress is a human invention. According to Robert Sapolsky, author of Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers, our bodies can handle acute stressors, like being chased by a lion or speeding to claim the empty parking space, but we were not made to handle prolonged psychological stressors like traffic, work deadlines, sales quotas, mortgages, difficult in-laws, and first dates. Our hearts are overtaxed. Our bodies cannot find balance. The aging process is the progressive loss of our body’s ability to deal with stress.

THE RESULTS: Stress is a stew of anger, fear, frustration, anxiety, disappointment, and even boredom, causing biochemical reactions in our bodies. Our bodies can absorb and even use these chemicals in short spurts. Yet over time we create the condition of chronic stress, which wreaks havoc on our metabolism, raises blood pressure, weakens the immune system, gives us gas, increases allergies, ruins our sex lives, and eventually damages our brains.

Even if you are a master at suppressing your emotions, this only means that you do not recognize the quiet war they are raging in your body.

THE DILEMMA: Using self talk to ignore stressful circumstances can help in the short run. But if the disappointment continues, the illness worsens, the relationship turns hostile, or the job responsibilities grow too big, the rebound affect of depression or anger is often worse than the initial stressor. Denial and optimism are not the same.

Often people just give up, creating a state of “learned helplessness” due to a perceived lack of control and of hope for a better future. They quit trying to make things better. They lose their joy for life.

It’s clear the world is not going to slow down, machines are not going to make life easy, and we cannot surround ourselves only with people we adore. So what can we do to create a healthy and happy mental life-style?

THE SOLUTION: We have to become conscious about the emotional reactions we are creating by our thoughts. We have to recognize when we are falling victim to road rage, jealousy, resentment, and fear. Then we need to:

  • differentiate real from imagined threats.
  • determine what circumstances are within our personal control to change and what are not so we can focus on our locus of control.
  • consciously look for the good in situations instead of focusing on the bad.
  • make sure we have a strong support system of both family and friends.
  • engage in activities that release frustration such as dancing, sports, playing music, and breathing (relaxed deep breathing is the quickest way to shift the body out of a stressful response).
  • shift emotional states to gratitude, confidence, appreciation, love, hope, calm, and trust (not only do we alter the body’s chemistry, but these emotions trigger neurochemicals that help the brain to remember, making learning new responses easier).

This is not easy work. We know what is the right thing to do, but it does not flow naturally into doing the right thing. Our complex human brains are often controlled by our base needs and motives, and our emotional reactions.

We have to practice healthy emotional responses until they are learned. As with learning any skills, repetition is essential. Over time, the brain will remember, and your body will thank you by glowing.

Filed Under: Brain Health, Brain Tips, Happiness and Wellness
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