| Outsmart Your Brain

Overcoming Fake Talk: How to Have REAL Conversations

April 28, 2013 By marcia Leave a Comment

How many conversations do you have that seem to go well but nothing happens as a result? How many other conversations do you have that don’t go well because no one wants to mention the truth about the situation fearing negative feedback and emotional retaliation? John R. Stoker, president of DialogueWORKS Inc. has written a new book to help people deal with these frustrating conversations. The book is called, Overcoming Fake Talk: How to Hold REAL Conversations that Create Respect, Build Relationships, and Get Results.

The worst situation is when you think you had a normal conversation but end up mystified when performance remains the same, accountability never improves, problems aren’t solved, customers aren’t satisfied, and challenges go unaddressed. You think you share your message, but obviously something about the conversation didn’t work.

It’s true that people easily misinterpret what they hear due to a lot of filters based on past experiences. As a normal human, you just as easily beat around the bush so people don’t really know what you want. So they shake their heads and move on, letting the conversation drift out of their memory as they face other important tasks.

You may not mean to engage in fake talk, but your emotions may sabotage your desire to be real.

Hold REAL Conversations

REAL is an acronym for four skills useful for all conversations.

Recognize and suspend judgments

Express thoughts, feelings, experience, or opinions without creating resistance

Ask questions to understand

Listen and attend to messages that others express verbally and non-verbally.

REAL conversations focus on establishing a respectful relationship while speaking. The intent is to ensure that you listen and respond while speaking so that others feel understood, valued and respected. Even if someone disagrees with you, they don’t feel as if you made them wrong or that you devalued their ideas. They feel acknowledged even if they have to change their behavior.

To assess the quality of your conversations, answer four questions:

Am I getting the results I want after one conversation?
Do people feel good about our relationship during and after our conversations?
Can I honestly say that I treat others as I would want them to treat me no matter who they are or what they do?
Can I be wrong? Are there times when this isn’t possible?

The last item is the most significant when judging the quality of your conversations. The greatest opportunities for holding REAL Conversations come when no one agrees with your view and you don’t get what you want. If you aren’t open to REAL conversations all the time, you put results, respect and relationships in jeopardy.

To achieve the results that you seek, stop engaging in fake talk; instead, hold REAL conversations. Engage in conversations that express what you truly think, feel, or want—and listen and accept what others truly think, feel and want as equal in value to your own input. Together, you can find a way to make and meet real expectations.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Leadership Tagged With: authentic conversations, building stronger relationships, Effective communcations, Effective communication skills, Fake talk, leadership effectiveness

How to Learn Instead of Waste Your Time Online

March 18, 2013 By marcia

At the end of the day, do you feel smarter? Yet how much time do you spend reading blog posts, scanning articles, and rushing through ebooks to get the highlights? It’s likely this time is wasted. Even if you take time to savor a well-written, hands-on book, probably the only thing you will remember is that you enjoyed what you read.

Force-feeding your brain information will not make you smarter, wiser or more productive. You can only stuff so many bits of knowledge into your short-term memory before other pieces start dropping out. Even if you choose a few morsels as worthy of recall, you have to take specific, conscious steps to transfer what you learn into long-term memory or they won’t stick.

First, know this – if the information is good for you to know but not surprising, funny, fascinating, beautifully visual, shocking, challenging, or even offensive you will not retain it. You are wasting your time, surfing pages for no sustainable reason.

There must be an emotional spark to stimulate the consolidation and transfer of data. Not enough brain parts are activated unless there is novelty; the brain can’t remember when it is bored. The words will go into your brain and bounce out as if on a trampoline within 48 hours or less, often much less.

As a child, you had to put rote and mind-numbing facts to music or into a jingle to make it fun enough to remember. You still need to entertain your brain to make it work effectively.

If you know what you are reading will be useful to remember, there are other ways to help integrate the information into your memory bank making you wiser over time. Here are a few techniques you can try:

Visualize how you will use the information. Whenever you visualize an activity, the same brain areas light up as if you were performing live. If you read communication or relationship tips, see yourself using them in an upcoming interaction. If you read an article about how people behave in another country, see yourself traveling there and honoring their customs or trying them out for yourself. The movies you create in your brain will be easier to recall than words on a page.
Transfer the key learning points into a story and tell it to others. It is likely that the information that caught your attention relates to something you have experienced in the past; most items that catch your eye either confirm or challenge what you know. Think of a time in your life where a lesson you learned, or should have learned, relates to the points you want to remember. Write the highlights of the experience into a story that includes 1) a brief setup, 2) the conflict or surprising event that led to the learning moment, and 3) a summary of the point you want to remember. Then tell the story to a number of willing friends.
Teach a a skill or concept to others in an engaging, interactive way. A good way to learn a complex process, concept or skill is to plan and teach it to others. This activity uses many areas of your brain, consolidating and solidifying the material for permanent use in the future.
Take full breaks and get a good night’s sleep. The brain needs processing time to transfer data from short- to long-term memory. Be sure you take real breaks during the day. Don’t just steal moments to check your email. Go for a walk and breathe in some fresh air. Find a friend to talk to about a movie you saw or share your plans for the weekend. Reflect on some pictures that make you smile. And most importantly, make sure you get a full night’s sleep. That’s when your brain does its best processing work.

The brain needs both stimulation and rest to create and strengthen neural connections. You can continue learning and growing smarter the rest of your life if you do more than just cram your brain with words.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Problem-solving, Self-Awareness, Time Management

Do You Know Too Much?

February 24, 2013 By marcia

Wouldn’t it be great to feel confident about your choices…to know the answers under pressure, to rightly respond to adversity, to choose the better path when the road splits in two?

Be careful what you wish for.

You might aspire to be like leaders who are boldly decisive. Be wary. They are dangerous.

You might have spent thousands of dollars on books, seminars and motivational speakers hoping to better control your mind. This is delusional. You can know your brain and work with it, but you can’t control it.

As a human, your brain cannot see all possibilities. Your experience is deficient, your intuition is fallible, and your intelligence is victim to your unreliable emotions and instincts. Having a sense of confidence in who you are is good for yourself and others around you. Feeling absolute confidence in what you know is risky.

The good news is that the more you feel confident saying, “I don’t know, let’s talk about it,” the more clarity you will gain.

Yes, taking the time to talk about a problem may not work in emergency situations. Yet when faced with daily decisions, the more you practice looking at all the elements that could be affecting your thought processes, the more natural and faster this analysis will become. But you can’t start this practice on your own.

Your best decisions will be made in conversation.

No matter how smart you are, thinking through a complex issue can rarely be done well in isolated analysis. For the same reason you can’t tickle yourself, you can’t fully explore your own thoughts. Your brain will block and desensitize you to self-imposed exploration. When someone else adeptly challenges your reasoning and dares to ask you a question that penetrates your protective frames, your consciousness can go to new depths. You might get defensive. If you are self-confident, you will pause as your brain synthesizes the new insight, and then you are likely to laugh at seeing what you should have known all along.

In other words, you need others to initiate the interaction that reveals your blind spots. The brain needs to be surprised. The greater the surprise you feel when you discover what elements are affecting your decision or hesitation, the more likely you will have a breakthrough in perception. This surprise is the “Aha” moment.”

A blind spot is something you didn’t know you knew at the time, or possibly, “you didn’t know you didn’t know because you thought you knew what you needed to know already.” Your brain doesn’t want to work that hard. You are functioning quite well with a high degree of ignorance and obliviousness right now. So why take the time to look beyond the sheath?

Blind spots hurt you when you don’t consider their existence when making an important decision or taking an action that will impact others. You instinctively know this because after you make a mistake, you admit you should have known better. Or you blame something else.

You might experience a breakthrough in your thinking when you read surprising results of studies or have an emotional reaction to a story. Yet the most long lasting changes in your thinking occur when you allow others to help you explore your thought processes and you trust them enough to feel uncomfortable with their questions.

Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman explains in his book, Thinking Fast and Slow, that the faults in our decision making are a result of “…our excessive confidence in what we believe we know, and our apparent inability to acknowledge the full extent of our ignorance and the uncertainty of the world we live in.” The irony is that this desire to feel more confident in what you know only strengthens the frames around your awareness, making it harder to listen to others and accept new ideas. To uncover your blind spots, you have to have the courage to feel vacant and vulnerable. Before a breakthrough happens, you will feel uncomfortable. This discomfort is a sign you are ready to learn.

As Malcolm Gladwell said in Blink, “We need to accept our ignorance and say ‘I don’t know’ more often.”

Do you have a friend you respect and trust enough to allow him or her to question your judgment? Do you know someone who will be honest and straight with you? If not, you need to find someone. In the meantime, hire a qualified coach. This deep, enlightening and gratifying conversation is coaching at its best.

Then commit to being this open and honest with others. If you are a leader looking to empower and develop others, spend more time asking questions than giving advice. A good question can help others make the right decisions for the right reasons without you telling them what to do.

For more ways to Outsmart You Brain, check out the other blog posts on the website.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Problem-solving, Self-Awareness Tagged With: accepting vulnerability, ambiguity, authentic leadership, benefits of coaching, Blink, brain-based leadership, Daniel Kahneman, Decision-making skills, Malcolm Gladwell, mental blind spots, Thinking Fast and Slow

Did You Mean to Kill that Idea?

January 10, 2013 By marcia

My partner, Karl, was telling me about how the new guy at work is finally settling in to his surroundings. He used to own a business, so he came into this arrangement asking a lot of questions. He wanted to know if they had ever considered doing things like their office procedures or equipment placement differently. Karl explained to me that everyone else had been working there a long time. What they did worked for them. It took a while but now, the new guy seemed to understand “the way of the world” according to everyone else.

This has been a common story in my 30+ years of business. No one likes the person who constantly talks about how things were done at their old place of employment. Obviously, it wasn’t that great if they were no longer there.

Even groups of consultants find a common path and then get irritated when an outsider or newcomer suggests they consider a different model or method of working.

Yet new people to any team can trigger creativity and innovation. Of course, you say, this is common sense. So why isn’t it common practice?

Humans by nature are tribal. They bond around an idea, a goal, or some other sort of kinship. Then they work hard to protect the behaviors and beliefs that define their tribe. They shield whatever they think they own, including their ways of doing daily business, from outside influence.

This can serve to make a team cohesive. It also serves to make the team blind to their bad practices and deaf to a good idea. Then if a person persists in telling the core tribal members about a better way to do things, that person becomes the village idiot where all his or her ideas are ignored or killed without any consideration.

Tribal behavior also creates

the fear of speaking up against the leadership
an avoidance of conflict
mediocrity as people quit thinking up new ideas or sharing a novel concept
fitting in is the highest value
less powerful members become rescuers as they attempt to buddy up and get the new person to accept the wisdom of the more experienced leaders

On the flip side, the new person can influence less powerful members to resist the leader’s decisions no matter what or they question the leader’s action enough to slow the process to an inefficient pace, making the leader look incompetent (this is called a Collusion of Rebels – sound familiar?).

If there is anything our country, business teams and each person needs right now it is creativity.

We need new ideas! Leaders should be inspiring the development of creative new products, processes and partnerships. Small business owners should be leaping out of the box. Teachers, writers, and speakers should be courageously sharing audacious notions.

So how do you stop the strangling of ideas?

Tell the Truth

Psychologist Erich Fromm said, “Creativity requires the courage to let go of certainties.” Get your partner or team to talk about how you will ask for and listen to new ideas. Create agreements to listen, accept and point out when idea-killers show up.

Be Curious

You can boost your creativity by seeking to know more about how other people act and make decisions, especially when you think you already know what is best. When someone makes a suggestion, ask at least two questions with the intention of learning more. Then keep learning if you can. When we listen with interest and “breathe in” what we hear, our brains can make new connections and discoveries. This is what “having an open mind” really means.

Surround Yourself with Open Minds

Be sure you have people around you who want to take risks and encourage you to see things differently. The people around you can either harden or broaden your creative capacity.

Ban Censorship

Don’t let your inner critic stop you from expressing new ideas. A new idea is only new and not yet accepted today. Quit worrying if no one will think your ideas are good. Your brain will try to protect you from rejection by making up lots of excuses to stay quiet. Thank your brain for doing its job, and then take the leap anyway.

You must go into any partnership or team with your eyes wide open. Everyone should feel safe enough and have a language for pointing out the possibility silencing ideas.

A great program that addresses all aspects of team collaboration is The Team Advantage by the Pyramid Resource Group.

When you quit killing ideas and stop others from “ideacide” you create a more open, respectful and enjoyable experience.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Emotional Intelligence, Organizational Culture, Self-Awareness, Team Building

The #1 Rule for Effective Leadership (at Home and at Work)

December 19, 2012 By marcia

Beyond the Golden and Platinum Rules, in our crazy busy world the one rule everyone should follow daily above all is, “Don’t be a jerk.”

When I am frustrated, under pressure or running late, I masterfully rationalize my “jerky” behavior. I act as if my needs are more important than anyone else and I am the only one who is aware of what is going on around me.

I forget that on other occasions, I too act without being aware of my surroundings, rudely cutting in front of people and forgetting to do something I promised. Yet I don’t forgive others for their lapses.

And then there are those times when I think I am right and someone else is a jerk, which then sparks my inner jerk. Most conflicts can be tracked back to the perception that one person acted entitled so the other had to teach them a lesson or settle the score.

I am not going to ask you if you relate to what I’m saying. If you say you don’t, then you are either not human or you are delusional. Often, your inner jerk is triggered in your brain as a means of defense. Or you are so stressed out that you have used up your reserve of adrenalin and are running on cortisol, making your anger “trigger happy.” There are stressed out, crabby people running around everywhere we turn.

Unfortunately, I have met many leaders who would not acknowledge their jerky behavior, claiming their actions were necessary to get results.

The truth is, if you want happy and engaged employees and good relationships outside of work, you need to catch when you are being a jerk. Once you catch yourself, here are some practices to follow if you would like to live up to the #1 Rule:

Don’t yell, snap, bark, or back someone down with your eyes. If you start this, stop. Take a breath and shift your emotions before you open your mouth again. If you can’t find some patience, compassion or a human fallibility to laugh at, go outside for a breath of fresh air or call a friend to vent.

Don’t belittle “the help.” Don’t act as if you are somebody and the clerks, assistants, employees, and other people who walk into your path are nobody special. You won’t get what you need in the long run.

Don’t act as if you are doing anyone a favor. I remember a former boss wondering why the employees weren’t happy after receiving a bonus. The culture was toxic. Money can’t fix that. The true gift you give to others is acknowledging how valuable they are and showing gratitude for the specific things they do, no matter who you are on the food chain. Innovation consultant Deb Mills-Scofield says many leaders treat their employees as employees — nicely and kindly, even generously — but not as humans. “My manager-mentors made it clear that I mattered not just for what I could do,” Mills-Scofield said, “but also for who I was.” It wasn’t about the generous benefits but that her boss insisted she take time off to relax, genuinely showing he cared. He trusted her too. Show that you know we are all on this life boat together.

Look them in the eyes and see the human inside. Remember, the person you are angry at is doing the best he or she can to survive too. You don’t have any idea what their struggles are. Stop and REALLY look at the person you are mad at. A true human connection is both humbling and uplifting.

Smile at the next jerk you see. Demonstrate that you have big light inside you. You just might be adding to world peace as well as your own.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For more tips on how to outsmart your quick-to-react brain, check out the archived Brain Tips at http://outsmartyourbrain.com/brain-tips-archive/

Filed Under: Brain Health, Brain Tips, Emotional Intelligence, Happiness and Wellness, Leadership, Self-Awareness Tagged With: affects of cortisol, anger management, emotional awareness, emotional intelligence, human connection, leadership behaviors, managing emotions, peace of mind, Self-awareness, stress management

7 Lies Leaders Love to Tell

November 30, 2012 By marcia

The excuses leaders give for doing the wrong thing rarely change. The ingredients for good leadership shift over time, but in my 30 years of teaching leadership, I’ve found the reasons leaders give for not taking these actions or developing new leadership skills such as coaching stay the same.

To reach your highest potential as a leader, be careful of telling the following seven lies:

My employees don’t want me to ask questions. They just want me to give them answers so they can get back to work. This is a lie of convenience. If you think coaching people to work on their own takes up too much time, you will tell this lie. Try believing that the time you take to help people think for themselves will help you save time in the long run. You might see that they enjoy learning more than being dependent on you.
If they need something from me or don’t understand something, they will ask. Even if people compliment you for being approachable, you still hold a title of authority. People might not feel comfortable letting you know they aren’t smart enough to figure something out. They might have a history of other bosses belittling them for not knowing everything. Your employees will appreciate you asking, “What can I do to help you? Is there any support you need?” Then share stories about what you learned from your mistakes so they know it’s okay to be imperfect.
No one is complaining so everything is fine. You may be a good leader but you aren’t perfect. Leaders who don’t spend time sitting with their people at lunch or for coffee and asking questions about how things are going are out of touch with the struggles their people face. Be sincere when you ask what is going on. If you feel they are holding back, ask a third party to hold a focus group or regularly survey the level of engagement to discover what is adding or detracting from giving their best work. When you keep your fingers on the pulse of your team, you will know what you need to do to maintain motivation.
If a good person does something bad, it won’t happen again. They will self-correct. This is the most common rationalization for avoiding giving negative feedback. Whether you worry that people won’t like you or they will react adversely and you won’t know what to do, you need to let people know when their actions have had or will have a harmful outcome. The sooner you share this information, the better. Use the AID model where you describe the Action they took, define the Impact the action had on others and the result, and concisely suggest the Desired action they should take in the future to get a more positive impact and outcome. Be clear about the Impact. That part of the formula will be most meaningful in the interaction.
If I praise my employees, they expect more money or a promotion. Unfortunately, many people are uncomfortable accepting praise. Therefore, they often refrain from giving other people compliments. Giving people positive feedback makes them feel good. Also, they repeat behavior that is acknowledged. Use the AID model outlined above to give positive feedback so people know the impact of their good work. Unless you promised more money or a promotion for their good work, they may want the reward but they won’t expect it. However, they will expect you to recognize them again when they work hard.
The best employees want to be left alone to do their work. Yes, you have problems to solve. But high-achievers want positive feedback too. They want recognition for their good work. They want to know you appreciate their effort and how their contribution is significant. Don’t risk losing your best people because you are too focused on solving problems.
Once most women have children, they don’t want to travel or rise too high on the corporate ladder. This is the greatest lie that leads to top-talent women leaving their jobs. These days, women often have support in raising their children and have found new ways to include their children in their work-life. Ask before you make assumptions about anyone.

Quit believing and telling these lies. Not only will people call you a leader, you will probably find being a leader is easier.

And if you aren’t a leader, please share this with the leaders you know, coach and teach.

Filed Under: Leadership, Professional Development Tagged With: effective leadership skills, employee engagement, leader as coach, Leadership development, success as a leader

What You Gain with a Future-Focused Brain

September 1, 2012 By marcia

Do you want to keep growing, keeping your life meaningful, interesting and fun? Is part of your job as a leader or coach to help others see their careers flow instead of stagnate? If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, you need set your brain to focus on the future.

Knowing where life is going takes more than an annual review or composing a list of New Year’s resolutions. Keeping your eye on the path should be done in frequent short conversations about what is changing and what is possible.

According to Beverly Kaye and Judy Winkle Giulioni, authors of the new book, Help Them Grow or Watch Them Go, there are three types of conversations you can have to prompt, guide, reflect, explore, activate enthusiasm and drive action focused on development.

Hindsight conversations where you look backward and inward to determine what most energizes and inspires good work.
Foresight conversations looking forward and outward toward changes, trends and the ever-evolving big picture.
Insight conversations where hindsight and foresight converge, shining a light on the best possibilities in the future based on who you are, what you love, and what you do well.

The three conversations are essential because we often make decisions out of fear or frustration instead of by mapping a way forward. Too often, we look at what is popular today without considering 1) who we are at our best and what we most love to do and 2) what will stand out as being more important tomorrow than today.

The conversations can be used for self-discovery as well as to develop others. In today’s world, retention, engagement and productivity depend on people feeling their careers are in flow. These small and regular conversations will decrease the gossip, worrying and complaining that occurs when people aren’t sure about where they are going.

Even in self-discovery, it is good to have a “thinking partner” to have these conversations with. A coach, colleague or friend who wants the best for you can help you stand back and answer questions focused on your future that will continually challenge and satisfy you.

Kaye and Giulioni say the frequency of the conversations is important. “When you reframe career development in terms of ongoing conversations rather than procedural checkpoints or scheduled activities, suddenly you have more flexibility and the chance to develop careers organically, when and where authentic opportunities arise.”

In Help the Grow or Watch them Go, the authors provide powerful questions for each of the conversations, provoking reflection, insight, constructive discomfort, and ultimately, action. All it takes to use their questions is having a genuine curiosity. “Curiosity might be the most under-the-radar and undervalued leadership competency in business today,” say Kay and Giulioni. Yet cultivating a true sense of wonder can ignite your own enthusiasm as well as the energy of others.

Constant questioning can stimulate creative tension as it brings up uncertainty about the future. Yet when it comes to our lives, few people live peacefully in a comfort zone. You are either moving forward or feeling stuck and a failure. As a coach, I have experienced many times how a period of contemplation following a thoughtful and powerful question eventually sparks answers and fuels a sense of forward motion.

Consider these questions:

1. Looking at your past, what has disappeared from your ambition and desires? If you allow these to go, what opens up for you instead?

2. When someone you know introduces you to a stranger, how do they describe who you are and how you stand out? How can you apply these traits and expertise even more powerfully in the future?

3. What do most people around you complain about not being able to do? Is there a way you can help them get what they need?

4. When you look at what is possible for you in the future, what would you most regret not trying?

Keep a notebook to jot down moments where you feel truly joyful and inspired. These are clues you can use when calculating your future.

Notice when others experience these moments. Take the opportunity to ask them how they can design their future to repeat these experiences.

Weave these questions and ideas into your thoughts and conversations. Hope is both a wonderful emotion to feel and a great gift to give to others.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Happiness and Wellness, Leadership, Professional Development Tagged With: Career Development, engagement and retention, focus on the future, Help them Grow or Watch them Go, hope for the future, professional development

Do You Have the Courage to Sabotage Your Success?

August 11, 2012 By marcia

Which route to success is better for you? 1) exceeding goals and expectations or 2) challenging your goals and expectations to create something better.

The first option can lead to satisfaction, money, rewards, and recognition, even fame, for a while. The second option is harder and may lead nowhere. Even those who choose the road less traveled often burn out and fall back onto the safer path. So why take it?

If you stay on the first path, success grows more vulnerable over time and becomes demotivating.

Organizationally, the process of cascading goals from the top frequently hurts innovation and efficiency. In privately held and non-profit organizations, there is often a charismatic leader, family head, or controlling director that runs the show, crushing dissent blatantly or subtly. Or the leader picks an impenetrable executive team.

In publicly held companies, leaders bow to the faceless power of shareholders, demanding people meet short term gains over the imagination, experimentation, and adaptability required for longevity. They may give lip-service to creativity, but most corporations are still top-down instead of community-ruled.

Even if you or your organization starts with an openness to all ideas, once a level of success is achieved, ears shut down. Some leaders boast their support of collaboration without seeing this as another form of generating hand-clasping over conflict.

Neuroscientist Dr. Robert Sapolsky has explored why successful people shut down to new ideas. He says when you look at highly accomplished people you find a level of eminence, at least in their own little world. So why should they do anything new? “It’s really difficult to recognize that something is going wrong and needs to be changed,” Sapolsky says. “…it’s 1000 times harder to recognize that something’s right but nevertheless, it’s time to make a change.”

When problems surface, most leaders just ask people to work faster or harder instead of seeking a different approach. I am sure this attitude plays into why the US has dropped to 10^th place in the 2012 Global Innovation Index by Insead.

Some leaders act as if they are trying out new ideas when all they are doing is trying something out that worked for them years ago. This isn’t change; it’s regurgitation.

And then if you are given the rare chance to try something new and you make a mistake, the sharks eat you alive.

Some smart employees give up trying. Others take their ideas to competitors or start their own businesses. Unfortunately, once they win the revolution, they fall into the same trap of protecting their positions and making all decisions instead of opening channels to the new ideas of others.

From a neurological perspective, Sapolsky says the brain rules over innovation. People want to recreate what made them feel good and they silence threats to their credibility, control and admiration.

Margaret Heffernan explored this phenomenon in her brilliant Ted talk, Dare to Disagree. She says that our brain drives us to be with people mostly like ourselves. This makes life easier. Organizations strive to hire the best people and then fail to get the best out of them.

So what can you do personally and organizationally to challenge current thinking?

1. Seek creative confrontation. Heffernan suggests mustering the courage to work with people who seek to prove you wrong. Once you fill in the holes they discover, you will know you are right.” It’s a fantastic model of collaboration—thinking partners who aren’t echo chambers.”

Organizationally, build creative confrontation into team charters. Make sure ideas are questioned, not people. Ensure the challenges are intended to improve on ideas, not tear them down. Allow people to try out new ideas after they listen to challenges, bringing their improved suggestions to the table instead of giving up.

2. Practice emotional intelligence. Learn to recognize when you resist new ideas. This requires patience and present-moment awareness, two things busy people lack. You have to be willing to change your mind. Most people agree this is a sign of a real leader yet few leaders practice these skills.

3. Reward courageous thinking. Praise people who question the way things are done. Make “a passionate commitment to ongoing excellence” a requirement of leadership instead of “managing up to make the current leaders look good.”

Sapolsky says that leaders (and families) should provide a “benevolent setting” where failures are an acceptable part of the learning process and people are not punitively blamed for mistakes. Don’t insist on doing it right all the time. Sapolsky says, “You can encourage craziness 50% of the time because all we need is the other 50% to be phenomenal.”

When people can actively explore new possibilities, they work with inspiration and excitement.

4. Seek champions and partners instead of going it alone. One voice can easily be drowned out by a crowd of people trying to appease their leaders. Find one influential person who believes in and will champion your ideas to others. Then enroll others who will help you get the data you need to prove your ideas are right.

5. Travel! Seek people with different backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives. See the world through their eyes. Don’t rely on the Internet. In another TED talk, Eli Pariser explains that search engines keep us in a filter bubble, only linking us to what matches our personal tastes instead of to information that could challenge or broaden our worldview.

Long term success requires we cultivate the habit of being curious and accepting of other’s opinions and ideas. Do you have the courage to go beyond your own success?

Please share you comments and this post. We need to keep the conversation going and support each others great ideas!

Filed Under: Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Organizational Culture, Professional Development, Self-Awareness, Team Building, Women in Leadership Tagged With: effective leadership, maintaining ongoing success, organizational culture, organizational success, personal growth, Self-awareness, what it takes to succeed

Presence: How to Choose the Impact You Have on Others

June 30, 2012 By marcia

Ask yourself, “What effect do you have on people when you enter a room?”

Now ask yourself, “What happens when you leave the room?”

Just as an observer alters behavior by the fact that the behavior is being observed, whenever you enter or leave a room, your presence affects the thoughts and behaviors of those in the room. Even if no one seemed to notice, their brains selected to ignore you, minimizing your impact.

However, if you are a leader or a contributor to the group, you need to determine the impact you want to have. The presence you project is more important than the words you carefully rehearse.

3 Realms of Presence
There are three realms you need to consider to regulate your presence: 1) Mindfulness, 2) Intent and 3) Emotional Tone.

Mindfulness is bringing yourself into the present moment.

Intent is what you expect and want to happen.

Emotional Tone is a based on what you are feeling. Your emotional energy affects how people will interpret and accept what you have to say.

1. Mindfulness happens when you observe your body, your emotions and your thoughts. The more you are skilled at mindfulness, the more you will be able to monitor and adjust even as you interact with others.

Exercise: Take a deep breath in and slowly release it. Feel your feet on the ground. Become aware of the ground beneath you. Gradually move your awareness up your body. When you notice a point of tension, release it so your body relaxes. Work your way up your legs, your torso, your arms, your shoulders, your neck, and your face. How does your body feel? Make yourself as comfortable as you can while staying alert.

Next, determine what emotions you are feeling separate from your thoughts. Are you angry, anxious, cautious, distrustful, resentful, frustrated or impatient? If so, try to calm your emotions by breathing and clearing your mind.

Now, notice your thoughts. Has your mind drifted to work or people concerns? Are you judging the value of this moment? Clear your mind by putting your awareness back on your body.

Keep your mind focused on your body as you start to become aware of the room. See if you can notice the room and people around you without judging and thinking.

With practice, you should be able to ground yourself and become aware of your body, emotions, thoughts and surroundings in a matter of seconds.

2. Intent is being clear on what your purpose is in any interaction and what you expect to happen as a result.

When was the last time you interrupted someone? What was your intent, really? Had you been listening to understand their point of view or listening for the chance to respond? Was your intent to engage the person or to have them accept your point of view? What did you want them to do as a result?

When was the last time you presented to a group? What was your primary intent? Secondary intent?

The Buddhist teacher Pema Chedron said, “Patience means allowing things to unfold at their own speed rather than jumping in with your habitual response.” But sincere patience depends on your intent.

Ask yourself, “What do I expect to happen?” Will there be resistance? Will people be excited? Will they eagerly accept or reluctantly comply with your point of view?

Then, based on your expectation, ask yourself, “What do I want to happen?” Do you want people to be inspired or enthusiastic? Do you want them to accept your ideas without argument? Do you want to facilitate collaboration? Do you want to create a sense of win-win where everyone gains? Do you want to explore possible solutions? Do you want to discover the source of a problem? Do you want to create a plan of action?

Once you determine what you want to happen, determine who you want to be in the moment – an inspirer, expert, commander, detective, facilitator, advocate, explorer, or architect. Use this as a keyword to return to your intent if you find that you are not getting the result you want.

3. Emotional Tone
The emotions you feel set the energetic tone of your words and will impact how people will accept what you have to say.

If you are recognized as the “socially dominant” person in the room (a leader), you will set the emotional tone for everyone else. Therefore, your emotions will either bring the energy up or down.

Are you angry, anxious, cautious, distrustful, resentful, frustrated or impatient? If so, try to shift your emotions to feeling calm, hopeful, optimistic, proud, grateful, caring, respectful, curious or amused. What can you feel enthused about? What are you curious to discover? Can you see the humor in the moment? Do you care about the success of the project and the people in the room?

Choose how you want to feel. Practice mindfulness, clarify your intent, and then choose one “feeling word” to anchor the emotion you want to spread in the room.

When you are mindful of your body and thoughts, clear about your intent and deliberate about your emotions, you are in control of your presence. You impact people when you enter a room and when you leave it. If you practice mindfulness plus mental and emotional choice, you are in control of your presence.

If you need help releasing negative emotions, c lick here for a few techniques that should help.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Effective Communication Skills, Emotional Coherence, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Self-Awareness Tagged With: communication intent, Effective communication skills, emotional awareness, emotional coherence, emotional intelligence, leadership effectiveness, leadership presence, mindfulness, self-awareness techniques

7 Ways to Unitask

June 2, 2012 By marcia

Beware of praise for multitasking. For better results, be a serial unitasker.

“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl isn’t giving the kiss the attention it deserves.” ~Albert Einstein

Most heavy multitaskers rate their ability to do many things at once as very high on surveys. When tested, their perception is wrong. This ability rarely proves to exist. Multitasking may speed you through your to-do list, but it also makes you more likely to make mistakes and less likely to retain information.

You only have 100% of your attention to give. If you divide it up, something suffers.

Psychologists Strayer and Watson from the University of Utah have found those who talk on cell phones while driving have proven to be worse drivers than those with a legal limit of alcohol in their blood. When driving or even walking while multitasking can prove to be dangerous. Hands-free phones are less dangerous because they don’t impair your vision but they still impair your cognition.

Even the younger smartphone, e-reader, video game generation who grew up with abilities to shift attention quickly do not show any increase in abilities to effectively multitask than their parents. Only a small percentage of the population, maybe 2%, represent what scientists call “supertaskers” than can defy the odds and split their attention effectively.

True geniuses and those who achieve mastery know how to focus not split their attention.

Attention is limited in capacity. Complex tasks require both focus and the flexibility combined with the ability to block out distractions. In other words, you have to be able to not only tune out or suppress some input, you also have to know how to turn up the volume on what matters most right now. This is called “unitasking.”

Here are seven tips to help you unitask:

1. Carve out 20-30 minute slots to work. You can stack your slots but it is easier to keep your time “sacred” in smaller chunks. Remember to turn off your phone and close the door. You might let people know your schedule so they don’t judge you as rude or inaccessible.

2. Quiet internal distractions. The chatter in your brain tends to be stuck in the past or the future instead of the present. You have two choices:

Suppress your concerns and deliberately move your attention into the present or
Let go of what is not resolved from the past or you are worrying about in the future.

Consider these three trigger points – 1) a sense of security, 2) a feeling of control, or 3) a need to be accepted, respected or liked. When listening to the conversation in your head, are you trying to regain one of these three things from the past? Or is your fear of not getting one of these needs met transfixing your thoughts in the future? What can you do to let go of your regrets? What can you do to trust that the future will turn out all right? You can ruminate and worry later. You can even designate a time for these thoughts on your schedule. Take a breath and come back to the present for the next 20-30 minute time slot.

3. Ban external distractions. Be aware of what steals your attention. This includes background noise such as a television or music with lyrics. When interrupted, make a conscious choice to return to the task at hand.

4. Take breaks every hour to move your body. This gives your brain a chance to process what you have worked on. When you return to your task, you can refresh your focus and produce new ideas more easily. If you don’t get up and move, it’s likely your mind will drift because you need a break anyway.

5. Think good thoughts. Positive emotions improve the brain’s executive function and encourage creative and strategic thinking. It is possible that the dopamine released when feeling happy, laughing or appreciating someone or something can increase your ability to multi-task. Improve your emotional balance by actively thinking about things that make you happy.

6. Leave things behind. When you turn to a new task, part of your brain is still thinking about the last one. Before starting something new, go for a walk, climb stairs, or do some deep breathing to clear your head.

7. Finally, learn how to say “no.” You have to take control of your time or other people will enjoy controlling it for you.

Filed Under: Brain Tips, Emotional Intelligence, Self-Awareness, Time Management